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 Posted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 7:56 pm
Pace
You miss took what I wrote, but most of all what I sent,
Loveless, I’ve fallen at your feet,
In dire need of the lust that makes this heart beat.
You take me in your arms, broken and beaten as I may be,
You take me in your arms, and my heart begins to beat.
Restless, I hold you tight through the night as you tear me of my innocent mind,
Like the binding of a corset being ripped open for the first time.
You read me like a book you explain,
A book who’s binding you have bent back, pages you have ripped,
But still hold by your bedside.
I felt used, like a two cent pair of shoes,
Your hands running up my sides,
Heart still racing, barely keeping pace to the time.
This wasn’t meant to be,
And it left me with the chills and nightmares in the fear of my defeat.
I ripped out my heart, and laid it on the table to be prodded.
It made no use for me anymore,
As the tears of blood ran down my fingers.
Don’t open your eyes, if your not up for the fight,
I whispered,
I close my eyes before I’m about to strike but my hand was caught,
My lips entangled and the only words I could think,
Were those of your lips, your kiss.
Kiss me Breathless, I’ll leave you Restless,
For my heart has no outlet,
No salvation and you will be my forever-long curse.
[[EDITED]]
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Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 1:30 pm
This piece had an interesting rhythm- it was not always constant but that added to the piece I think (because as I understand from the "barely keeping pace to the time" not everything could stay caught up- maybe I'm just looking too much into things but that's how I took it.). What took away from the piece were the places where there were grammatical errors and I had to stop and wonder what exactly you were trying to say- there were only a few places, but they still distracted me as a reader. For example, in the first section you wrote 'broken and beated'- did you mean beaten? Little things like that made me stop, but other than that I thought it was very good!
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Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 5:23 pm
[[I know, I kind of posted it like right after I wrote it -.- but I worked out most the grammer stuff I think...]]
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