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Crystal-1ite Vice Captain
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 Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 5:34 pm
The Test
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went off!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves." blaugh
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Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 12:25 am
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. The boys say he is two bricks short of a load, or couple fries short of a happy meal.
To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Junior said, "No sir, you see if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"
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Crystal-1ite Vice Captain
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Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 2:24 pm
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Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 3:27 pm
Find a Wife Biblically
Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. -- Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
Find a prostitute and marry her. -- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. -- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. -- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. -- David (1Samuel 18:27)
Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). -- David (2 Samuel 11)
Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). -- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
A wife?...NOT!!! -- Paul (1Corinthians 7:32-35) rofl .... rofl .... rofl .... rofl .... rofl .... rofl .... rofl .... rofl .... rofl .... rofl .... rofl .... rofl .... rofl
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Crystal-1ite Vice Captain
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Crystal-1ite Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 11:24 pm
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
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Professor Reddman rolled 20 10-sided dice:
9, 3, 6, 7, 1, 3, 7, 10, 7, 7, 4, 4, 3, 6, 9, 9, 3, 2, 3, 6
Total: 109 (20-200)
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Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 3:12 am
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Crystal-1ite Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 3:05 pm
The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it.
Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial.
After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment.
Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently.
Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.
The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said.
"It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling." lol
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Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 3:18 pm
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in the other members' private lives. Church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... and left it there all night!
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Crystal-1ite Vice Captain
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Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 12:02 pm
lolz!!! rofl wow those are great especially the last one. ^^
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Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2008 1:27 am
One Sunday a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.
Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
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Crystal-1ite Vice Captain
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Crystal-1ite Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2008 1:33 am
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
And there sat our Rosie all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him!" eek
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Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2008 1:39 am
There was a little old cleaning woman that went to the local church. When the invitation was given at the end of the service, she went forward wanting to become a member. The pastor listened as she told him how she had accepted Jesus and wanted to be baptized and become a member of the church.
The pastor thought to himself, "oh my, she is so unkempt, even smells a little, and her fingernails are not clean. She picks up garbage, cleans toilets - what would the members think of her." He told her that she needed to go home and pray about it and then decide.
The following week, here she came again. She told the pastor that she had prayed about it and still wanted to be baptized. "I have passed this church for so long. It is so beautiful, and I truly want to become a member."
Again the pastor told her to go home and pray some more. A few weeks later while out eating at the restaurant, the pastor saw the little old lady. He did not want her to think that he was ignoring her so he approached her and said, "I have not seen you for a while. Is everything all right?"
"Oh, yes," she said. "I talked with Jesus, and he told me not to worry about becoming a member of your church."
"He did?" said the pastor.
"Oh, yes" she replied. "He said even He hasn't been able to get into your church yet, and He's been trying for years." gonk
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Crystal-1ite Vice Captain
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Crystal-1ite Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 10:48 am
A pastor had a practice of leaving his pulpit for a brief time during the morning service. While one of his staff made the announcements, he went to tell a Bible story to the children in children's church. One new member didn't understand. One day he said to the minister, "Pastor, you're the first preacher I ever saw who takes a coffee break during the service."
Pastor's Announcement Before Offering:
"I would like to remind you that what you are about to give is deductible, cannot be taken with you and is considered in the Bible that the love of this is the root of all evil."
A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: "FOOL." The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."
The chairman of the pastor search committee informed the congregation:
"Next Sunday our visiting preacher will be the Rev. Bill Oaks. If you would like to see the other preachers, you will find them hanging in the vestibule."
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Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 12:13 pm
A sign was hanging in an office window. It read:
Help wanted.
Must type 70 words a minute.
Must be computer literate.
Must be bilingual.
An equal opportunity employer.
A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth, and walked into the manager's office, making it clear he wished to apply for the job.
The office manager laughed and said, "I can't hire a dog for this job."
The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."
So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.
The manager said, "Alright, here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it."
Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.
The manager still wasn't convinced. "I still can't hire you for this position. You've got to be bilingual."
The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."
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Crystal-1ite Vice Captain
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Prophet of Holy Fire Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 5:32 pm
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Reply
