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 Posted: Sun Aug 21, 2005 1:25 pm
Everytime I struggle, I get kicked back down,
A dagger in my back, I fall to the ground.
I'm at your merci now, do with me what you will,
Pins and needles, Love.
The truth is hidden, behind a thousand lies,
Feeling and emotions, locked in disguise.
I wish I could show you, just how I feel,
Pins and needles, Love.
I'll get my revenge, some day I will,
For the best or worst, I'll get my fill.
You'll be mine now, a puppet on my finger.
Pins and needles, Love.
You're at my merci now, and whatever I will you must,
See how it would have been, if you had kept my trust?
I'll let you go on day, when I can let go myself.
Pins and needles, Love.
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Posted: Mon Aug 22, 2005 2:10 pm
Oh yes... I'm not realy gonna share -what- this is about, but it could be about what I wrote it about, or possibly an abusive relationship? It sounds like it could be about that. xD
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Posted: Mon Aug 22, 2005 2:12 pm
I like the imagry ad wording but it's a little awkward to follow... verry nice though
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Posted: Mon Aug 22, 2005 2:21 pm
Kesna I like the imagry ad wording but it's a little awkward to follow... verry nice though Whoo! Someone read it. xD Thanks.
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Posted: Mon Aug 22, 2005 5:15 pm
The repetition made this sound like a song to me. But one thing that put me off was the word 'merci' cos like, merci means 'thanks' in french. I think you me mercy... at least I hope you do otherwise it would read 'I'm at your thanks now...' rolleyes blaugh
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Posted: Mon Aug 22, 2005 6:28 pm
Queeny The repetition made this sound like a song to me. But one thing that put me off was the word 'merci' cos like, merci means 'thanks' in french. I think you me mercy... at least I hope you do otherwise it would read 'I'm at your thanks now...' rolleyes blaugh Ugh. Yeah, I meant mercy. xDD I feel suddenly rather stupid. Ooooohwelll. lol
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Posted: Mon Aug 22, 2005 7:37 pm
I like the repetition, though as mentioned before it does kind of make it sound like a song... the rhythm was good though, which was a plus, and the imagery was pretty good! The 'merci' thing confused me, but now that that is cleared up, all is well. Some things could have been worded differently to make it flow a bit better, but nothing serious I thought needed changing. Overall, good job!
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Posted: Tue Aug 23, 2005 6:27 am
I thought it flowed real well, plus your imagery is great! And, yes, it does sound a little like an abusive relationship. ^_^
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Psychotic Maniacal Sanity
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Posted: Tue Aug 23, 2005 6:43 am
cyberwitch-2006 I thought it flowed real well, plus your imagery is great! And, yes, it does sound a little like an abusive relationship. ^_^ Thanks. <3 About the song thing people have been mentioning, it was in fact going to be a song. I was considering it, and was thinking of writing like a course.. And all that type of stuffs. But I changed me mind.
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Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2005 2:05 pm
Amyane Everytime I struggle, I get kicked back down,
A dagger in my back, I fall to the ground.
I'm at your mercy now, do with me what you will,
Pins and needles, Love.
The truth is hidden, behind a thousand lies,
Feeling and emotions, locked in disguise.
I wish I could show you, just how I feel,
Pins and needles, Love.
I'll get my revenge, some day I will,
For the best or worst, I'll get my fill.
You'll be mine now, a puppet on my finger.
Pins and needles, Love.
You're at my mercy now, and whatever I will you must,
See how it would have been, if you had kept my trust?
I'll let you go one day, when I can let go myself.
Pins and needles, Love.
i liked the repetition of the last line, it brought the poem and what had been said back to the title. you kept well to the four-lined stanza and had good rhyming. you just had three slight spelling errors, but overall nice job...
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Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2005 4:43 pm
N.Infinity18256 Amyane Everytime I struggle, I get kicked back down,
A dagger in my back, I fall to the ground.
I'm at your mercy now, do with me what you will,
Pins and needles, Love.
The truth is hidden, behind a thousand lies,
Feeling and emotions, locked in disguise.
I wish I could show you, just how I feel,
Pins and needles, Love.
I'll get my revenge, some day I will,
For the best or worst, I'll get my fill.
You'll be mine now, a puppet on my finger.
Pins and needles, Love.
You're at my mercy now, and whatever I will you must,
See how it would have been, if you had kept my trust?
I'll let you go one day, when I can let go myself.
Pins and needles, Love.
i liked the repetition of the last line, it brought the poem and what had been said back to the title. you kept well to the four-lined stanza and had good rhyming. you just had three slight spelling errors, but overall nice job... Thanks. The weird Merci-mercy thing was stupid Microsoft Word. For some reason it kept making it Merci. Stupid thing. D:
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Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2005 10:06 pm
Very beautiful! I have those same feelings within the depths of my mind. The rhyming short verse is very becoming. Keep up the nice work; I look forward to seeing your future works.
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Posted: Sun Aug 28, 2005 8:36 am
Naomi Tinuveil Very beautiful! I have those same feelings within the depths of my mind. The rhyming short verse is very becoming. Keep up the nice work; I look forward to seeing your future works. =O Thanks. ^_^
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Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2005 7:22 am
Amyane Naomi Tinuveil Very beautiful! I have those same feelings within the depths of my mind. The rhyming short verse is very becoming. Keep up the nice work; I look forward to seeing your future works. =O Thanks. ^_^
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Psychotic Maniacal Sanity
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Posted: Sun Jul 16, 2006 7:28 pm
To me it seems to be about . . . maybe someone is abusing the relationship or someone wants revenge for the other person's cheating. It's not really my forte, but I liked it.
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