Welcome to Gaia! ::

I do believe that I'm slipping back into a depression of sorts. It's not the same type I had years ago when I was emotionally a mess, but it's more of the lack of ambition, or drive, or motivation to do much of anything.

I've missed work in its entirety last week, will miss today, and most likely tomorrow as well. I've not been feeling well, but in all honesty I wouldn't classify it as physically ill. Perhaps it is simply procrastination.

The more frustrating aspect of all this is that I realize what is going on, yet haven't done anything about it. I would justify to myself that I do not know what to do, which could very well be true. Added to that is a sort of subconscious resignation to the situation. A sort of, "I'm here, I might as well get comfortable" thing.

I have found joy in the things I would normally find joy in; made new acquaintances on my xbox 360 live account, people that I play with nightly and have a ton of fun with. I am trying to ask out a girl (trying as in I asked her to a specific movie, but she said no to that movie, and we haven't yet progressed to the "let's do something else" phase of the conversation which is taking place through delayed private messaging via Facebook). So it's not all bad, I suppose. Still, it is troubling.

No idea at this point. She's either sidestepping the question, or she really doesn't know what I'm talking about.

I *did* outright ask her.

Anyway, I feel things are too hard, in general. That's what my depression is telling me. That to get to where I've been the past few years--which is essentially working a dead-end job, and going out every now and again--felt like the whole time I was dragging a huge weight. It's wearing, and tiring, and exhausting to keep up and I don't know why it should be, or why it is, only that it is. It's like I'm walking in thick mud with weighted boots.

I don't blame you or anyone for not sympathizing, that's fine. I'm getting tired of sharing my feelings anyway.

~slaps forehead~ I can't believe I totally mis-read that! That's like the worst kind of mis-reading that could ever be made. Real sorry! >_<

I'm a little better now, and have been going to work again, though I may leave soon so I can settle down for a couple of weeks, gather myself, and start putting some focus and direction in my life.

Some people are afraid that if I quit my work it will be very difficult to get going again. I kind of justify it as me making a change. Of course I could just as easily look for a new job and THEN quit my job now, but I'm not so sure I could wait that long.

As for the girl, she's already going out with someone so it's not something I could've changed, or controlled. What I'm saying, is that it was something beyond my effect; there was nothing I could've said or done 'better', per se. It is what it is, and it's better this way than her just saying no, or continuing to dodge the question.

Writing has always been tricky for me. I've 'over relied' and 'under utilized' it, both at the same time. 'Over relied' in that I keep telling myself it's my true talent, my knack, my gift, and riding that fact into conversations about the future, or perspectives into careers. 'Under utilized' in that--aside from that one term of english--I haven't yet done anything to really help my writing. I'm still lacking focus, cohesion, and depth (or true depth, as opposed to something forced or faked).