|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 9:53 pm
Why do you deside been what you are? Dom, Top, sub, bottom, or what ever you are. we all deside our ways for a reason, tell me yours...
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 6:38 pm
I dont' think we decide. I think it is more of a predetermined thing. It might be genetics, or it might be environment, but I don't think we really choose. If we chose, then a Sub would have no problem Domming the hell out of someone else, and we all know that isn't possible. True subs will know what I mean. It's uncomfortable, awkward, to be put in an opposite position.
I only say this because I cannot adequately explain why I am inherently submissive. I myself am not a Sub, a bottom maybe, but I feel awkward Dominating my boyfriend and I can't explain why. It's always seemed natural to me to bend to the will of others that I respect and care for.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 12:29 pm
Shylim I dont' think we decide. I think it is more of a predetermined thing. It might be genetics, or it might be environment, but I don't think we really choose. If we chose, then a Sub would have no problem Domming the hell out of someone else, and we all know that isn't possible. True subs will know what I mean. It's uncomfortable, awkward, to be put in an opposite position.
I only say this because I cannot adequately explain why I am inherently submissive. I myself am not a Sub, a bottom maybe, but I feel awkward Dominating my boyfriend and I can't explain why. It's always seemed natural to me to bend to the will of others that I respect and care for. Agreed. mrgreen
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 8:05 pm
This is a really cool thread. I wish people would post here.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Feb 17, 2008 5:50 pm
I was taught to respect experience, knowledge, intelligence, confidence, and reservation. On top of which, I've been a mite shy and did some reading whist growing up. You know, the sort that has the young hero trudging barefoot for miles on a gravel road, ignoring the bleeding soles of his feet because his daimyo told him to?
That really helped to shape that side of me, I guess... The image of someone doing what their superior said just because they said so, trusting that they were right.
And Shy, I must say, I disagree. I can Top the hell out of someone. This someone must ask for it, and the time must be predetermined as well as very concrete boundaries drawn, but the actual domination and control aspect is quite doable for me, and I don't think that makes me any less of a ' true sub'.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Feb 17, 2008 10:24 pm
I agree whit Zurah, we dont deside things like to be tall or skiny, we born that way.
we all come to this world the same exact way, we are like cups at our kitchens, as life go on, we start to get fill whit what is around us, and by what we pass trow.
some cups end up been fill whit rock, sands and the glass never brake, some others were fill whit water and blood, and the glass take it damage, we are at a point a product of our suroundings. and that how we become Dominant or submisive. things and situations teach us to love and act thus ways.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 7:00 pm
Yeah. We're shaped not only by how we were born and such, but by how we were raised and what influenced us as children.
What shapes our personalities and dispositions also shapes our orientations, really. Makes sense to me...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 7:33 am
I guess what I believe about nature vs. nurture would force me to agree with you guys a little bit. I do believe that most people are a product of their surroundings, and if that really is the case, then we still don't choose. I was raised as an upper-middle class, publicly schooled, modern girl. I can't escape that. I couldn't truly feel oppressed or poor if I tried. That doesn't mean I haven't pretended not to be who I am for periods of time. (Yes, I'm one of those people, admittedly.)
Maybe you have better control of yourself if you can switch for a period of time. Maybe you are just more comfortable with yourself. I know that I am able to Top others, I've done it before and I've done it well, that doesn't mean I want to if I am not told to. The only reason I have played Dom or Top in the past was under an order.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 1:13 pm
Honestly I don't think nature vs nurture has anything to do with this. I don't think we can make a conscience choice to be a dom or sub. If you think about it, the actual deffinitions of dominate and submissive have nothing to do with BDSM, they're simply classifications of a personality. If you take a step back and look at a 'normal' relationship which has no BDSM encounters, there's always one person who's more dominate, the man who likes to handle the family's finances, likes to be the one that works for a living. In a nuttshell a persons BDSM orientation isn't something we can choose, yes there are those of us who can switch back and forth, but for the most part we can't choose to be one or the other.... It'd be like choosing to be gay, or choosing your favorite color. Why is red my favorite color? I don't know, there's no logical reason why, I just like the way it looks.
If you can relate choosing someone's BDSM orientation to those comments, then it'd be like how we connect a mood to a color. Why does red mean angry, yellow happy, and blue sad? There's no reason, there is absolutely no logical reason, it's just the way we feel.
If you still think that we can choose our orientation, then try taking a completely submissive personality and making them dom. No matter how much you tell them you want it, they'd continuesly feel bad for what they were doing. Apolagizing each time they let the wax drip onto your body, or crack the leather against your a**. They'd simply be doing it because they're submissive, and their master told them to. So they're not really chosing to dom, they're having the choice made for them.
Well, one last thing. To answer the original posters question, the choice I made was to follow what felt right to me. So I guess you could say I am dom because I love the feeling of having complete controle over another. Of being able to teach in my own ways even when they don't want to learn, being able to mold someone like clay, being able to take someone who's normally proud and headstrong and make them grovel >.< But another of the major things is the sense of trust. To have another trust me enough to tie them down, where they have absolutely no power to stop me, and push them to their limits, occasionally past what they think their limits are, and being there to bring them down and back.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 8:43 am
I see where you're going with it, trefold, but I sort of disagree-- I believe it is connected to the nature vs. nurture debate, but wherever personality falls in that, one's orientation (Dom, sub, etc, in this case) falls, too.
Anddd~ when it comes to your draw to being Dom, I agree, though in the place of the sub. The fact that there is someone out there that I trust my life to, without a doubt, means so much to me. It says that there are still some people around that are worth keeping in touch with and caring about.
As an assignment, of sorts, a dear friend of mine (who was Doming me 24/7 the best he could over a long distance) told me to write an essay on our situation: how I thought it could work, my opinions on D/s relationships as a whole, and why I enjoyed them. It was a fairly open-ended assignment, and I'll let you copy/paste the essay into another program if you're interested in reading it.
As things go, I’m a fairly well-behaved sub. None of us are perfect, and for myself… major flaws are present. I am self-centered, lazy, manipulative, procrastinating, indulgent, sinful, demanding, and often need to be reminded of my place. However, I know to submit to your authority, and rarely must be told something twice.
Admitting one’s weaknesses is a vital part in a Dom/sub relationship. It may even be described as embracing the weaknesses of two people, and turning them both to strength. In the intoxicating blend of subtlety and control, hints and sparks of erotic themes flourishing among the twilight of sin and justice, sadism and masochism, decadence in its’ most cruel yet tender form. As two pieces of a puzzle interlock, so must the participants in the relationship. Not only must they have the right disposition and role, but all of the other details must as well align. If neither had weakness, neither would have strength, and all remaining would be two polygons and that wouldn’t be much fun.
There is a sense of unity, of one-ness with a partner that a platonic or vanilla relationship can simply not supply. When you rely on your partner for your most basic needs, and they take you, showing you, telling you how they would like you to obey their every desire, you become a slave to their dreams as they become to your needs. In some ways, it is very swayed and biased, and in others, it is frighteningly equal. As a dog pleads its’ owner for food, the owner still seeks out the favorite pet in times of need and sorrow.
Distance can both strengthen and undermine a Dominant/subdominant relationship, due to its’ tendency to dilute actions. For example, if the physical realm, a lengthy kiss upon the lips means quite a bit more than in mere fantasy. It is in the same way that a physical threat loses ground. However, more mental mind ******** can be far more potent. If all one person hears of/from another is via a screen with text, or some sort of speaker, the desire to keep what is there, and to, hopefully, gain more in time is very strong. Punishments such as refusing to speak to someone or denying them a sort of conversation can be more effective than face to face.
It is in similar aspects that the more erotic aspects are taken toll of. Photographs or recordings can become more valued, as well as conversations and/or just about anything sexual given. Often, a few mildly provocative things and perchance one or two quite erotic ones can be very nice, as they need to replace physical memories. Five fairly politically correct photographs coupled with one to two more exciting ones seem to work quite well, though most of them should not be more than a few months old. Also, there is a lot more trust that must be built, for there is no true way to be sure that the other is doing what they say they are. I believe attempting to prove such things is just silly, and that they should be assumed true, unless reason or circumstance warns them to be otherwise. Again, in order for a long-distance relationship to prosper, I believe all parties must be honest and open, as well as accessible.
In general, Dom/sub relationships can be quite satisfying, though have their own minor sets of codes as well as pros and cons, whilst relying upon the weaknesses and strengths of the other to not only cement but add another dimension, and are quite possible, but must be adapted for long-distance durability. Not only do I enjoy them, but have minor experiences with both flavors of long-distance relationships and, though not necessarily as pleasurable as a relationship with a local can be, they can be quite fulfilling for all involved.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 10:22 am
Anyways give me a moment to get my mind back on track here, when I start thinking I tend to ramble >.< Ok, so I guess we've all agreed that our BDSM orientation is not a choice, but something that's developed in life. A nature vs nuture scenario. But it'd seem that most people are siding with nurture, which I must disagree. It goes right along with the color and such that was in my last post, we don't dom because of logical reasoning, we do it because we like the way it feels, it feels more natural to us. Same with subs.
I think that nurture has more to do with our behavioral traits, like what Zurah said about the books she read and way she was taught, those books and such effected how you behave, but it didn't change the way you feel towards that stuff. It's like..... Pains89's argument, about how we are like cups, all the same and get filled with stuff as we go. But if I look in my cupboard, I see cups that are all different, different shapes and sizes, they all hold stuff differently, they were designed by nature to react differently. the argument that we were all born equeal is flawed. What about the people born paralyzed, or OCD, or with any other type of dissorder. I can't see life as being a cookie cutter ok here's your human race, deal.
Zurah, you're response to your masters essay was really well done. Infact I'd like to chat with you about a long distance S/M relationship. It's not really something I have much skill in, but someone on here was talking to me about it, and well she's dropped quite a few clues that she's considering me for such a relationship. I've told her that I'd try, but I've really no experiance in long distance stuff. If you'd be willing to chat please send me a pm, if not, thanks anyways.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 11:57 am
Do I want to get into a debate on OCD and how much of it is culturally/socially enforced? Not really. If you'd like to, I'd be more than willing to hop onto that slender twig, but otherwise, I'd rather stand on this mostly semi-solid ground. -Grins-
That leads me to ask (the whole guild, really) which Master has more sway over their sub or bottom or slave. Is it the one who brandishes the whip and they cower, or the one who phones in and they obey? Which is happier? Which is more satisfied?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 9:38 pm
I have one comment about the color thing. If you had never seen red before in your life, could it be your favorite color? It's the same with BDSM. If you have NEVER been exposed to either side, would you have an orientation? Maybe you would, but you wouldn't understand it, you wouldn't follow it. I do believe, as I stated in my first post, that your Submission or Domination is something you are born with, like your ability to interpret wavelengths of light as colors. But likewise, if you are never exposed to a Dominant/Submissive relationship you will not understand your tendencies and therefore probably dismiss them. A blind person can't tell you what color he feels when he is sad or happy because he doesn't have any comparison. Do you get my point?
Secondly, I have a quite interesting story involving a long distance S/M relationship. It's for private discussion only, thought.
Third, I really like this debate, I'm seeing a progress here that I had given up on in Gaia.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 10:10 pm
no, I'll pass on the OCD thing, that's a poor example, and now that I think about it I agree with you on that part. Also I think the phone and obey master has more power. It's much more effective to get into their head then to scare them into doing your bidding. And plus, eventually the beatings will get old, and they'll realize that even though they're slaves, they still have the power to walk away from the relationship.. then where are you leather happy masters gonna be ;-P
Good point about the color thing, though I kinda have to argue about the orientation. I too think it's something you're born with, something naturaly given instead of nurtured. I don't think that you could shrug something as strong as a BDSM tendacy off though. I mean technically you couldn't shrug off a dom/sub tendancy, seeing as outside the BDSM world they are classifications of a personality. But I can actually relate to trying to shrug off BDSM urnings. When I first got 'into' BDSM, I had no clue what it was, or that it even existed. I was just terrified, I'd go asleep and have very encentric dreams of a man much like myself taking girls hostage and doing, what was at the time, thought of as horrid things, to. At the time I had no clue what BDSM was, and I was scarred to death that I was gonna grow up to be some rapeist. So what did I do? I tried to simply ignore it. I can't really get into the details, but a long story short, if I didn't have a few good friends who were studying to become psycologists I probably would have been paying quite a few trips to a shrink, and might have even been commited.
And one last thing, yeah I like debates like this. this is kinda an antidote to my problem. This is more then a 'everyone pops in here, posts their views and then leaves never to give it another thought' thread, this allows us to see personality in peoples posts.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 11:29 am
I have been addicted to porn for awhile so I knew that it was out there. I guess that might have been what ultimately turned me on to the sexual part of the lifestyle. I saw videos of girls being tied and beaten and it turned me on. That scared me a bit, but after a few conversations with friends and "examples" from closer friends, I realized that I wasn't insane or even a rare one. I'm really glad I found it and I'm glad that I'm accepted by so many people like you guys who don't look down on it or criticize me for it. That's the main reason I made this guild.
About the taking girls hostage thing, I thought about that one a lot too. That specific thing. An old rusty shed filled with ropes and shackles, a woman's scream... It was all vivid in my mind even at the age of ten and eleven.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
