The Arm Lasso
* by Tadgh Geargail
* first draft - January 2008
* Superhero Inventions - genre ?
“Clyde Clatsop here, showing you my new-fangled idea in practice.” The Grizzled Redneck said, with an eyepatch to the left. “The Myth of the Grappling Hook, seen on Dark Knight has been busted on Scientific Exploration Crossing.” He had a squashed smile, stretching the thick mustache to his right cheek of his face. “Even though the Dames, of S.E.X. did a great job wearing tight form fitting clothes... some of you guys who work at Construction Jobs, emailed me to come up with something that even a grunt laborer can use.”
He Demonstrates the Arm Lasso Pullysystem in front of the Camera.
“As much as I would like to talk about this invention... watch how this item helps to rescue someone out of a rather sticky situation !” He leaps off the platform, and lands up to his thighs in the mud. Belching and gurgling sounds. “Accidents do occur at the job site. One of my e-mail fans talked about dredging dirt out of the river, and didn’t pay attention where he was stepping into.”
Unhooking the lower ropeloop, he coils it around the loops of his leather shorts, hooks the rest of the slack back at the bottom extention.
“The Batman and Robin would of needed something like this to climb over buildings.” Clyde smiled back, “Consider that huge silicone costume is pretty heavy, that his shoulder would dis-locate with all the weight.” He spoke further, as the ground continued to bubble, and slurp to his belt buckle.
Clyde outstretches his arm, with the invention strapped on like a gauntlet and looks at the crosshairs.
“Anyone who’ve ever gone fishing, can aim at a target... and then cast.” Clyde smiled back. He pressed a button, and then one more button that sent a light violet surge of electricity, to cause the grappling hook-arms to stretch... it curled around the I-Beam just above him.
The Ground continued to swallow him up to his rib-cage. “Even by this time, my e-mail fan started to get nervious. Thought of drowning to his doom, made him scream for someone to help.” He did this smirk again with his mustache stretching to the right side of the face. “Now, some guys have a reputation of being macho... you’ll never hear me panic.” He looks at the ground as it reaches to his muscular pecs, with his outstretched arms on the surface. “This stuff actually tickles... heah, heah.” his pecs wiggle around on the ground. “I’ll have to break for a commercial... so you get to see how the arm lasso in action.”
* * * *
Clyde Clatsop, the host of Superhero Inventions is now up to his mid shoulders in thick goopy mud.
“I need something to drink, can you get that intern boy some gatoraide ?” Clyde spoke back.
A young man leans down with one knee on the platform - handing over the bottle to the Host. “Here you go, Amigo.” Watching Clyde grab the drink with his free arm. The ground continued to move as he reached out and chugged the juice as is dribbled down his mustache.
“Thanks, Bearcub.” Clyde smiled back, after finishing the bottle. Leaving the plastic container on the ground.
“How deep are you allowing yourself to go, Mister ?” The Intern boy whispered.
Clyde caused the ground to undulate by moving his legs underneith. “Something like this, boy...” He pulled himself up to his chin and earlobes. His upper arms sinking under the billowing mud with just the lower forearms exposed. Then taking his right wrist to latch onto the Intern Boys’ arm. “Don’t worry, I can handle this. It’s just like a swimming pool.”
“I can’t help it, Clyde... this scares me.” The Bearcub spoke.
“Hey, I have an idea... how about getting your arse in this pit. Then I can prove how this arm lasso works. I’ll hold on to you tight.” Clyde spoke. “What’s your name ?”
“Kelly Donegal.” The Bearcub smiled. He slid his legs into the muck. “Hopefully, I won’t upset the production folks.”
“Dude, I am the production guy...” Clyde spoke up. “This show can’t go on without me.” He reached out to grab Kelly by the hips as he watched the bearcub sink down to his ribcage.
Kelly placed his hands on Clydes’ muscular shoulders to keep balance. This caused Clyde to sink under the surface level past his ears. “Don’t go drowning on me... Sir.”
Clyde smiled, with grains of sand entering his mouth, mud coating his mustache. “Think of it as savoring a cup of coffee grounds and choclate syrup in reverse.” He reached as he sank at the shoulders. “Heres’ the gameplan... the camera is turned back on, and I’ll just do the talking....”
* * * *
The Camera shows Clyde up to his nostrils, with muck coating his cheeks and face.
“It’s time to talk to you about technology, known as an Earbud.” Clyde spoke. “I’ve got this connected to my eyepatch, and it’s waterproof.” He smiled. “The kind of stunts I pull, you love to hear the sound effects and what the stuntperson is saying.” He looks over to the young intern production assistant. “This is my boy, Kelly.”
Kelly slightly knods, and smiles but is up to his shoulders.
“Sometimes, a stunt goes wrong - and didn’t anticipate sinking deeper in this material.” Clyde smiled. “I’ll be having my bearcub support my shoulderblades, while focusing on the second safety lasso to the I-beam.” Clyde moved around to face his muscular shoulders away.
Kellys’ torso facing against Clydes’ backside. The Intern Boy reaches his hands around to grab Clyde’s muscular pecs.
“One of the perks of having a sidekick... in case of oversights.” Clyde’s upper torso is exposed and coated in mud.
Clyde aims the second lasso pully from the upper bicep by peering at the crosshairs, shooting at the I-beam bar. He reaches to find the lower apperatus to get the motor to pull himself and his sidekick intern production boy out of the pit.
They managed to pull themselves back up on the platform.
* * * *
Both men are taking a shower with their clothes on.
“So how did you like the choclate sause and coffee beans ?” Clyde smiled.
“A bit surprised, the mud was edible.” Kelly smiled back. “It was interesting that you took a chance on me, Clyde.”
“It’s probably something you don’t want to hear... but I used to be your age.” Clyde smiled. “I looked up to anyone who paid their own bills, and became their own Boss.”
“Actually, it’s better than flipping burgers at some restaurant - with a bunch of drunk people at the Drive-thru Window.” Kelly spoke back. “That Zero Tolerance Policy - scares me too.”
“There are some dirty jobs, where you need all the support one can get.” Clyde smiled back. “I’ve got a spare terrycloth robe hanging on the wall.... when your done using the Shower.”
* * * *
Clyde pulled out a parchement spellbook. He uttered a poem in a Foreign Language, and his body went from being old and weatherbeaten, to a much more younger and athletic body. Then looked at his shorts, and uttered a poem. This filled out his leotards.
He looked at himself through a full length mirror. The front cover of the Book of Alchemy could be seen in an ornation. “I hope that Master Loki, knows how badly I would like to have a boy like Kelly.”
_____________
END OF SCENE
