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 Posted: Sun Jan 27, 2008 12:29 pm
All right. As some of you know, I was in an online relationship with a girl from Florida. It's now become a long distance relationship, as we've finally met up and I'm to go visit her again in March. Things have been going quite well, except for one thing.
When it comes to my mother, she does not like this relationship. It's not the fact that it's girl/girl. I am pretty sure I'd get the same reaction from her no matter who it was I was dating. She is quite convinced that I am moving there as soon as I graduate, which may or may not be the case. I've not really thought about it much, nor has my girlfriend, but my mother has. And, according to her I am lying to her if I don't tell her I'm even thinking about it. I never told her because of the exact reaction she's giving me now.
One thing I have discerned is that she doesn't want me to make the mistakes she did, something she just recently told me. She said that when she was my age she wanted to move out, did so, married my father, and then settled down and had children right away. She considers this a mistake, though I don't quite get it, as she had 4 children and is still with my father over 22 years later. So it wasn't too much of a mistake.
She believes that I am not close to living on my own now, even though I am in a dormitory where I have paid all the expenses for it and do not go home except for when I am made to. I know it is not the same, but she doesn't consider it even a stepping stone to being on my own. She prefers I come back home, learn to live on my own, find an apartment, furnish it, etc. She believes that my girlfriend would baby me and take care of me, which isn't the case. She also believes that I should move to Florida for some other reason than just my girlfriend, but isn't the point of a long distance relationship eventually to have one partner move to be with the other? Otherwise the relationship doesn't work out. My girlfriend cannot move near me; she has a daughter and will not take her daughter far from the father, which I completely respect and knew this from the beginning before we even began a relationship.
I already cannot stand being at home, and have never really been close to my family. I also do not like being in my state, which is too close minded for me, barring college campuses. At home I am made to hide and I respect my mother's wishes on this. However, she doesn't believe me when I say I wanted out of the state way before I met my girlfriend. I know there's something more out there for me.
I want to go spend the summer with my girlfriend and get a job there. I know I need a job to pay for my student teaching in the fall and I know I have a chance to make more money in Florida than here in my home state. I know my mother will throw a fit when I tell her this, so I'm keeping it on the downlow and trying to find a job beforehand. I won't go unless I have a job. My girlfriend and I are considering it to be a trial living together thing in case something does happen later. It'd be almost 3 months, enough time for the honeymoon period to end and to deal with each other day to day. I'd rather be anywhere but home for the summer though.
Does anyone have any advice to deal with her? Especially those who've been in my shoes before? I know my mother isn't going to be happy unless I do as she says, but I know there has to be some way to ease the blow a bit?
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Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 9:25 pm
Obviously there are some loomomg empty nest/control issues here. Your profile says you are twenty one, so you are legally free to do what you want, perhaps she feels threatened somehow?
The bit about making a mistake in her youth, it's hard to say what she means by that. She might have felt that all along, but decided to stay in her relationship for any number of reasons, like raising her children, or she might only now be finding her own life unsettled and is blaming your father for it, and claiming it was a mistake from the begining, even if that isn't true. And the sad thing is, she might really believe it.
If (I said "If..." ^_^ )you think there is something legitimate to her saying that, then it might be useful to ask her to explain what she means. It may be useful to make it sound like a teaching moment for her if possible, ie: "Well, I don't want to make the same mistake, mom, please tell me how it's a mistake so I can think about it?" Be prepared, you might get a litany of complaints a mile long, only six of which are actually legitimate, but atleast you might have something to go on. And maybe it would help her if she could vent and think someone was listening.
As for you, most women get married in their early twenties, so at 21 you are right on target. I don't think it's going to be an issue, just as long as you are careful to find the right person.
As for moving, it sounds like your mother is partly right, you ARE moving. But maybe the thing is that she doesn't realise how well prepared you are? Have you been able to talk to her about how you are job hunting and not going until you get one? Were you some sort of wild teenager that was hard to trust? Maybe you haven't earned it back.
If not, has she always been an over protective sort? Maybe you think you are being reasonable, but she thinks she is getting all sorts of "I can't WAIT to run away from home..." vibes. Again, it isn't nessessarily true, but if it is what she believes, that's where she is coming from.
Is she worried about your safety? Does she think Florida is too far away? Does she fear you will get into trouble and not be able to get help? Is she afraid marauding hoards of Republicans are going to make you a mindless convert to their cause? ( ^_^ )
I get the feeling you are proceeding apace with your life and you mom has an issure or two and you are the person she's pinning her emotional energy on. If you can talk to her, try to talk this out, but if she won't listen please realise you have to get on with your own life, it might not be possible to soften the blow if you can't talk. Still, try not to be the one to cut off communication if you can help it, you may find she will come around after a bit and your relationship will improve. In the worst case, yes, you can sever the ties, but be sure you've tried everything else first.
Finally, what about your dad? Is he on her side or yours? Maybe he can help calm you mom's fears if he knows there is a problem? It is a recognised difference in parenting styles that moms often want to hold on, shelter, and protect their children, whereas fathers want to encourage their children to grow, develop, and get on with their lives. He may be more understanding of this than you mom is. Assuming you can, have you talked to him?
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Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 9:38 pm
Although I'm not in a situation like yours, my mom is almost exactly the same as yours. Since it seems like you're completely independent of her financially, here are the steps I recommend:
1) Sit down with her and explain to her that how she has been treating you regarding all this has been very frustrating to you. Make sure you speak calmly and respectfully and provide many examples of things she has said. Listen to what she has to say and tell her that you appreciate her worries, but that she needs to let you be your own person and to find your own way. If she starts telling you what she thinks you're going to do and won't listen to you otherwise or if she disrespects you or belittles you in any way, tell her that you'll continue this conversation with her when she's ready to talk with you - not at you.
2) Act on your own as an individual, you can't wait around for her to mature - doing so will just make her think of you as even younger and younger as you get older and older
Best of luck to you!
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Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 6:04 am
Saapento No Naga Obviously there are some loomomg empty nest/control issues here. Your profile says you are twenty one, so you are legally free to do what you want, perhaps she feels threatened somehow? The bit about making a mistake in her youth, it's hard to say what she means by that. She might have felt that all along, but decided to stay in her relationship for any number of reasons, like raising her children, or she might only now be finding her own life unsettled and is blaming your father for it, and claiming it was a mistake from the begining, even if that isn't true. And the sad thing is, she might really believe it. If (I said "If..." ^_^ )you think there is something legitimate to her saying that, then it might be useful to ask her to explain what she means. It may be useful to make it sound like a teaching moment for her if possible, ie: "Well, I don't want to make the same mistake, mom, please tell me how it's a mistake so I can think about it?" Be prepared, you might get a litany of complaints a mile long, only six of which are actually legitimate, but atleast you might have something to go on. And maybe it would help her if she could vent and think someone was listening. As for you, most women get married in their early twenties, so at 21 you are right on target. I don't think it's going to be an issue, just as long as you are careful to find the right person. As for moving, it sounds like your mother is partly right, you ARE moving. But maybe the thing is that she doesn't realise how well prepared you are? Have you been able to talk to her about how you are job hunting and not going until you get one? Were you some sort of wild teenager that was hard to trust? Maybe you haven't earned it back. If not, has she always been an over protective sort? Maybe you think you are being reasonable, but she thinks she is getting all sorts of "I can't WAIT to run away from home..." vibes. Again, it isn't nessessarily true, but if it is what she believes, that's where she is coming from. Is she worried about your safety? Does she think Florida is too far away? Does she fear you will get into trouble and not be able to get help? Is she afraid marauding hoards of Republicans are going to make you a mindless convert to their cause? ( ^_^ ) I get the feeling you are proceeding apace with your life and you mom has an issure or two and you are the person she's pinning her emotional energy on. If you can talk to her, try to talk this out, but if she won't listen please realise you have to get on with your own life, it might not be possible to soften the blow if you can't talk. Still, try not to be the one to cut off communication if you can help it, you may find she will come around after a bit and your relationship will improve. In the worst case, yes, you can sever the ties, but be sure you've tried everything else first. Finally, what about your dad? Is he on her side or yours? Maybe he can help calm you mom's fears if he knows there is a problem? It is a recognised difference in parenting styles that moms often want to hold on, shelter, and protect their children, whereas fathers want to encourage their children to grow, develop, and get on with their lives. He may be more understanding of this than you mom is. Assuming you can, have you talked to him? I am the oldest of 4 so I would be the first to leave the nest, so to speak. I don't know what she means by mistake. I do know that there have been points in teh past few years where they have fought and been close to divorce, but that they've stayed together because of us. I also know that I am to be my little sister's legal guardian if something happens to them before she's 18. I may be in a relationship, but I've no plans of marriage any time soon right now, and neither does my girlfriend. Both of us are the sort of people who need to make sure it's the right thing before it happens. She also has a daughter to think of. We've discussed marriage in general terms, and not in relation to us. I have not spoken to her of the summer thing yet. I want to wait until after spring break for that. However, she is having me do research for teaching in the state, and the area, which was my idea. I told her about it because I knew she'd want it and she agreed. My dad and I aren't close or at least not as close as I am to mom (which isn't saying much). He and I have never even discussed my being gay so I have no idea how he even feels about that. Mom doesn't like it if we go behind her back to dad, so I probably wouldn't try that, if only to keep the anger less. KatieRedHead Although I'm not in a situation like yours, my mom is almost exactly the same as yours. Since it seems like you're completely independent of her financially, here are the steps I recommend: 1) Sit down with her and explain to her that how she has been treating you regarding all this has been very frustrating to you. Make sure you speak calmly and respectfully and provide many examples of things she has said. Listen to what she has to say and tell her that you appreciate her worries, but that she needs to let you be your own person and to find your own way. If she starts telling you what she thinks you're going to do and won't listen to you otherwise or if she disrespects you or belittles you in any way, tell her that you'll continue this conversation with her when she's ready to talk with you - not at you. 2) Act on your own as an individual, you can't wait around for her to mature - doing so will just make her think of you as even younger and younger as you get older and older Best of luck to you! I am not completely financially independent, though very close. She'll still buy me clothes and such when I go home and sometimes send me the rare $20 at school... like every two months. I do own my car, which I bought from my parents (and am almost done paying off) and pay for everything that goes with it. At school I take care of all my expenses. I'm close, but not quite. Mom and I have been talking, slowly. We both know it's something that isn't very pleasant to discuss, but we discuss it until she gets upset or something and stop. We haven't talked about it in a few days though because it's something that doesn't need continually discussed right now. She knows it's there and she knows how I feel and I know how she feels. In the end I will act on my own, as that's the sort of person I am. I don't like it that she wants me to live my life the way she should have at my age. I also hate regrets.
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Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 10:13 pm
"Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention..." lol
Sounds like your mom has a few, and a few more... alas... sad
Sorry, I hear Dr. Phil in the background spouting something about "Children would rather be from a broken home, than in one..." stressed I think your mom must have had regret for a long time, but has been swallowing it, trying to do the right thing. Gotta give her credit for trying at least. Too bad your dad is so distant, and just when you could use a daddy too... sad
Based on what you've said, I get the impression she really has your best interest at heart, but is going about it in all the wrong ways. Sigh, be gentle, and love her, what else is there to do? heart
In the end you are going to be whoever it is you have to be, so be of good courage, if you are true to yourself, you'll survive... smile
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