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 Posted: Sun Jan 27, 2008 3:48 pm
Here are some poems I've written:
The Darkness
The darkness traveling
Above me
Underneath me
Around me
It follows
My footsteps
It follows
My eyes
It won’t go away
It’s always there
It moves
Inside me
Spreading
Through me
Covering
My heart
My now
Black heart
Emotions
Disappear
My gold eyes
Become bleak
Unreadable
And very disturbing
So stay away
All of you
Just stay away
For you do not
Want the darkness
To take
Over you
next
She is
She is the light
In my dark sky
She is the brightness
In my eyes
She is the smile
On my lips
She is the mystery
I must solve
She is my heart
My soul
My life
And I cannot
Live without her
She is mine
I am hers
Together we are one
She is everything
To me
She is why
I walk this earth
She is why
I am surviving
Without her
I will die
I need her
I want her
And I claim her
As my own
I love her
I always will
She holds
My heart
And she always will. [ I wrote this poem for the love of my life, Sam heart ]
Please feel free to comment on any of these poems =]
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Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 7:56 pm
Both are really choppy, they don't really flow. Try to, when writting anything, keep the person in the peice of work and not on a hill in lala land.
The darkness all around
All round me now
Speading though me
Filling me to the brim
Never leaving, this darkness
My heart, so very dark
A blank face
Two empty eyes
Staring and uncaring
Don't come near
Stay away
This speading darkness
Will spead to you
Even if you are only near
Ya know, something like that. And is rarely a good way to start a line, and though I do it all the time, it's because I'm not listing.
"And when the light came
Chasing the darkness away
The blood still red
Catching in the sun light."
But yeah, keep us captivated and try not to use and when listing to start off a line.
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Fashionable Businesswoman
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Posted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 12:17 pm
Pay very close attention to how you rewrote that little bit of my poem.
It is too long and drags on.
Many people (myself included) do not like poems that drag on.
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Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 5:04 pm
Well, actually that was the whole poem in my style. But it's not like I'm ganna use it at all.
But to me, yours also seems long, and choppy. I do admit that mine is flowery.
I guess, your style works with those who like it.
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Fashionable Businesswoman
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Posted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 1:10 pm
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Posted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 8:26 pm
hey hey hey children. No fighting. We all have our own styles. xd
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Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 12:24 pm
Children?
I'm far from a child.
And we are not fighting. We're discussing it. XP
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Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 8:14 pm
Okay, you may not be a child but you're still younger than me..... so... mind your elders sonny! xd
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Posted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 10:51 am
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Posted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 11:26 am
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Fashionable Businesswoman
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Posted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 5:03 pm
What makes one a child? Is it age of years or an unwise mind? The way we act or what we talk about?
I was being nice. As nice as I can be. I'm not nice, so that was very nueturally nice.
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Posted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 5:51 pm
Lol. I was saying that as, I'm 18, "legally" an adult. He's not.
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Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 3:00 pm
Lol, don't even get me started with that age thing.
I'm 17, my parents died so I now own a house and a restaurant. I have a daughter named Abby and 3 more which I adopted (dont ask how)
I am far more mature then my 17 years.
Legally you are an adult, yes, but that doesnt count for many things.
You can be 20 and still act like a child.
Age does not matter.
The things you experience in life makes you old and grow, not your age.
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Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 3:41 pm
eek Sorry! I was joking around. I'm not some stupid immature person anyway, I swear.
I think it's awesome that you're taking care of those kids BTW.
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Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 4:02 pm
Yeah, it's hard sometimes. But seeing the love shine through their eyes makes it worth it.
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