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Shirtless Conversationalist
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 Posted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 5:39 pm
Rated PG for mildly violent imagery and being a waste of time ( rofl )
Receding into spiraling light, blinding, and hard;
dizzying shades of white, screaming for attention.
A grainy impact on smooth perfection,
like sand littering the unmarred surface.
“What happened?” I cried
squinting through the glare.
“All that is, you have brought with you”,
a booming reply from a disembodied voice.
I stare around at the eggshell landscape,
and start to sink into the quicksand of my hope.
No use to struggle, just descend.
It’s all over anyways.
This cloying shroud is no worse than the brightness.
But as coarse oblivion clings my lassitude dissolves.
I make one desperate attempt, reaching,
“I’ve lived in the light, I can survive.”
A shadow grasps my hand,
and a gentle breeze cools my face.
A sense of a smile then everything fades to tranquility.
“Welcome to my heaven.”
This is a revision of an earlier poem, tell me what you think. Be mean, it needs it!
And despite what it sounds like, I'm not emo. I swear!
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Posted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 10:45 pm
It's actually really, really good! It is supposed to be free verse, correct? ^w^
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Shirtless Conversationalist
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Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 3:11 pm
Yes, I tend to have a hard time sticking to syllable count and such stuff. I write my poetry to be read out-loud. But thank you for the compliment. mrgreen
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Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 7:03 pm
I loved the metaphors and personification! It was really good. 3nodding
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Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 10:05 am
Twisted_Seraph Yes, I tend to have a hard time sticking to syllable count and such stuff. I write my poetry to be read out-loud. But thank you for the compliment. mrgreen No problem. I do the same thing. You might have to dig around in the forum to find mine but eh. They're floating around here somewhere. ^w^
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Posted: Sun Feb 17, 2008 9:26 pm
Thanks Cheese.
I'll look for them Yukiko.
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Shirtless Conversationalist
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Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 9:35 am
It sounds like somethij g out of a fairy tale.. in a good way."eggshell landscape"
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Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 7:18 pm
This has 1 curse in it and I guess mild language(?) so PG-13 rating.
Don’t
Don’t fall for me,
I’ll leave you cold.
A vertex in the night,
destroying
your being
and stretching your
ego
till it snaps.
Don’t fall for me.
You were beautiful
when we met, but
beauty
fades with use.
And I’ve been using you up.
Don’t fall for me,
you’ll wind up
empty.
Cleaned out
through any attachment,
like a big-a** mosquito.
Be with me but (please!)
don’t fall for me.
Sweet,
that’s how you were
at first.
Innocence and curiosity
abounded in your soul.
Don’t fall for me.
Don’t change.
I’m no good
for you.
So (don’t leave and)
don’t fall for me!
(Despite these poems I'm not emo. I swear! ninja )
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Shirtless Conversationalist
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Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 11:46 pm
I really like that second one. I can't exactly pin-point why, but I really feel like I could feel the emotions of the speaker. Bravo!
*edit: I love short verses like that too. Kind of gives a rapid-fire, gotta say it all before you're gone, gotta get it all out here and now, desperation, kinda feel
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Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 12:13 am
Thank you Belesama, apparently writing keeps me on an even keel so extra emotions get shunted there.
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Shirtless Conversationalist
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