Another untitled, 5 minute poem that needs serious editing. | Page 1 | Poetry | Guild Forums

hospitalflowers

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Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 1:53 pm

HELP

Think y'all can help me edit this? Thank you if you can! If you can't, please just tell me what you think.

I’m not going to lie to you
Because this isn’t one of those things
Where people always say to you
You need to pass this on.

This is a message from my heart
To everyone out there reading this,
To never give up on life,
To never give up on love.

Life will deal you its hardships,
Life will deal you your death.
Life will deal you everything,
You just have to accept.

All you ever have to do,
Is play your cards correctly.
Don’t do anything stupid or rash,
It could end your game all too soon.

Listen to what others have to say,
Because that’s just how it is, and
Life is too short to ever complain,
So make the best of it.

Don’t exclude when there’s still room
Just because you don’t like the person.
We’re all the same in one simple way,
Just many of us never see it.

We’re all different, we’re all unique
So how are we the same?
You’re reading this now, for why?
I know not. But now you know what I think.

This is a message from my heart
To everyone out there reading this,
Don’t ever give up on love,
Because love is the meaning of life.

Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 11:35 pm

In_My_Broken_Heart

HELP

Think y'all can help me edit this? Thank you if you can! If you can't, please just tell me what you think.

I’m not going to lie to you
Because this isn’t one of those things
Where people always say to you
You need to pass this on.

This is a message from my heart
To everyone out there reading this,
To never give up on life,
To never give up on love.

Life will deal you its hardships,
Life will deal you your death.
Life will deal you everything,
You just have to accept.

All you ever have to do,
Is play your cards correctly.
Don’t do anything stupid or rash,
It could end your game all too soon.

Listen to what others have to say,
Because that’s just how it is, and
Life is too short to ever complain,
So make the best of it.

Don’t exclude when there’s still room
Just because you don’t like the person.
We’re all the same in one simple way,
Just many of us never see it.

We’re all different, we’re all unique
So how are we the same?
You’re reading this now, for why?
I know not. But now you know what I think.

This is a message from my heart
To everyone out there reading this,
Don’t ever give up on love,
Because love is the meaning of life.

These sound more like sayings, or proverbs. Maby you should write them like that. Perhaps even in haiku form.

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hospitalflowers

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Posted: Sun Feb 10, 2008 7:44 pm

Gah, I hate writing Haiku's, and this is why.

The thing with haiku,
You start with this deep message
And then you run out--

It's just annoying... gah... I can't write them to save my life. >.<

I don't know... anyways, thanks for the advice, though!!! ^.^

Posted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 4:32 pm

A haiku is small
The words, brief and meaningfull,
The message is clear...

Some verses are lost,
They drown in their own sorrow,
Their length is their foe.

In my simple words,
I can still find my own length,
Haikus become one.

The trick is to not really care about getting the wole message accross. Make as many haikus as you want. Just make it very vague, and make it sound deep. Overall, use haikus when you don't have much to say, or you have somethign small to say. Otherwise use another form.

27x

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MysticBlackWolf14

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Posted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 2:54 pm

I_27_04

A haiku is small
The words, brief and meaningfull,
The message is clear...

Some verses are lost,
They drown in their own sorrow,
Their length is their foe.

In my simple words,
I can still find my own length,
Haikus become one.

The trick is to not really care about getting the wole message accross. Make as many haikus as you want. Just make it very vague, and make it sound deep. Overall, use haikus when you don't have much to say, or you have somethign small to say. Otherwise use another form.

yeah, u could do a haiku for this. I never do them myself because I don't know how to do them properly without making some mistake or another, and I don't really understand them that well to get what their supposed to be.

Posted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 5:07 pm

Hmm... okay, maybe I will try it that way.

hospitalflowers

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Numikea

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Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 9:03 pm

I personally liked the format. It's a deep freestyle filled with sayings and morals. It definetly came from your heart. i like it the way it is. ^^-

Posted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 6:44 am

Numikea

I personally liked the format. It's a deep freestyle filled with sayings and morals. It definetly came from your heart. i like it the way it is. ^^-

Thanks!
But did you find any mistakes in it that I can fix?

hospitalflowers

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