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 Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 1:09 pm
I am not sure if this is in the right subforum, but here goes:
Okay, I recently wrote a very cut-off peice, but I personally really like the way I wrote this. I am undecided on weather or not to continue it, as well as in desperate want of critique. I would really like it if anyone just read it and dropped a little comment on if it's catchy, or what I should work on changing. I'm really risking myself with this, for reasons I'd rather not explain other than that it's a personal story, and would like to just let you know of that, but here it is and could anyone give me advice on weather to continue with it?
A Dream Never Heard
“I can’t believe it,” I whispered to myself, setting the letter at my spot at the table with a little extra force than needed. I turned around quickly. I had to go, now. Two steps to the door- only two steps. I reached out for the doorknob. I could make it . . .
“RENA!” the yell came down the stairs from above.
I winced; glancing upward, hand now resting on the doorknob. I almost didn’t dare move, or make a sound – but I had to. “YES?”
“RENA, COME HERE!!” dad yelled.
I sighed, stomping up the stairs, caught again, I thought, will I EVER be able to make it to one of these? When I got to the top I stood as still as I could in the doorway to father’s room. I could only see partially into the room that I’d never stepped into. I’d never seen the rest of it, other than that one blank wall, and whatever junk was strewn about on the floor between it and me. I could smell the sweat and rotten food from inside the room, and I could hear a rat scratching inside somewhere I shuddered and tried to ignore it. I craned my neck to see more, but I knew I couldn’t. It was like this every day.
“Rena. Where did you think you were going? Out on another little midnight masquerade with that BOY and his friends?”
I opened my mouth to speak, but he beat me again.
“Don’t answer me, I know that was it. I saw you reading the letter down there. Who was it from? That BOY?”
I shook my head, even though he was out of sight, and opened my mouth once again, but yet again he cut me off.
“Don’t LIE to me, girl. You NEED me, and you know it. You can’t LEAVE me.”
I wasn’t lying, I thought, and you only THINK I need you. It’s really the other way around. But I knew better than to say that today.
“Now, before you try to sneak out again, just come up here and POLITELY tell me where you’re going, like a GOOD little girl like you should. Now go. Wherever it is you were going to sneak out to, go. Get yourself into all the trouble you want. I don’t care. Just rid me of your presence for a few hours.”
Surprised, but not about to question him, I turned, and without words sprinted back down the stairs and to the door once again. I opened it and walked into my room, quickly grabbing the two things that I only ever needed when I was with them, and I hurried back out the door.
As I lifted my guitar into the back of Shane’s pickup ten minutes later, I laughed to myself about how stupid my father had become. He’d carved several holes into the floor of his room just so he could spy on me and pretend he could see through walls. He didn’t have a single window in his room, claiming that the light of the sun would burn him, and he always thought I was sneaking out at midnight when it was really twelve noon.
“Got it?” Shane’s voice jerked me back to the reality from thinking of dad’s delirious words.
“Yeah,” I replied, heaving my other bag quickly into the back as well, and closing the door. I moved around to the passengers’ side of the truck and climbed in. He, without words, backed up and pulled away. In minutes we were at the outside of the city.
About five more minutes drive we came to an old shed that was about ten yards from the ocean trail. The trail followed the beach.
Shane stopped outside the shed and the two of us climbed out. I walked around to the back. He’d beat me today and was opening it already. He pulled out his own guitar and bag, after handing me mine.
We walked together to the shed door. The place was on the verge of falling apart, and we knew it, but we still had a special knock. Shane set down his guitar and did it.
I heard a giggle come from inside and knew that the others were already there. The door opened a moment later.
“Hey” Nick said.
I saw three figures standing behind him, and I could hear the voices of more people inside.
“Hey, man. How’ve you been?” Shane said, immediately grabbing Nick in one of those guy-to-guy arm grip and hugs.
I realized that it was Mark and Mitch behind him, along with Rae, who was clinging to Mark with some sort of protective resolve.
Mitch immediately reached out and grabbed my bag from me, and Nick broke from Shane and took my guitar carefully inside. Both boys disappeared temporarily as I hugged Rae and half-hugged Mark.
We all began to walk inside. I could feel someone’s amp blasting, and shaking the surface below my feet. They’d already started? Or were they practicing? Shane had said that it started at eight, and it was only four. They were probably just having some fun messing around. They knew the room below was soundproof.
I saw in the light from the gaps between the large shed’s wooden walls that a lot of our group were sitting around a small card table in the middle, seated on various couches and chairs.
I did a quick head count before they all stood to greet us: Zan, Fi, and Cally on one couch; Ian, Josh, and Em across from them; and in the chair Dave. Also, now Mitch and Nick standing with them, and then Mark and Rae. That meant that at least Tay, Keegan, Jack, Allee, Cam, Lissa, and Sacha were either gone or downstairs.
In all that meant all twenty of us were in on this; ten girls—Myself, Allee, Lissa, Sacha, Zan, Fi, Cally, Em, Rae, and Tay—and ten boys—Josh, Ian, Keegan, Mark, Nick, Mitch, Shane, Dave, Jack, and Cam.
I couldn’t believe I could still keep track of us all, since our organization had grown so much from when it was only Keegan, Tay, Nick, Mitch and I. Mitch had gathered Mark, Dave, and Cam, I had gotten Shane, Rae, Allee, Zan, Cally, and Fi, Tay had grabbed Lissa, Sacha, and Em, and Nick and Keegan had gotten Josh, Ian and Jack. And that was how we’d all gathered.
We were basically a community of teens, ages ranging from fifteen (only one, who is Sacha, the rest are sixteen or above) to nineteen (Allee is the eldest, the rest of us are eighteen or below). We all banded together to form a group that was, first of all, against the following: schools that only accepted students with an attendance average of a certain number and a certain family history, teachers that side with whoever pays more (long story), parents that abuse or ignore their children, and many more. We are for the following: creativity, making music, being involved in a group that you can talk to like a diary, mini communities where everyone loves everyone like a sibling, enjoying life (highly misusing life is way different), and much more. We do things from sneak off on spring break vacations to someone’s cottage, to spend evenings playing soccer on the beach while the sun goes down, to build secret buildings like this, to creating our own language, writing, Morse Code system, and postman system. Our shared dream is that one day the world does the things we do without having to sneak off and be constantly under secrecy to do them.
So, a half hour later, we were all downstairs in the plain, yet roomy hundred square foot floor space room. I was tuning my electric guitar while lounging on a chair near the outer wall of the middle of the room, watching Rae sing, eyes closed, no microphone “Impossible Feat” as Shane and Keegan fingered slow melody along with it. Tay, Mark, Em, Cally, Zan, and Lissa stood around either talking or listening to Rae, almost all of them holding cans of some sort of pop. Allee, Sacha, Dave, Ian, and Josh sat around on the furniture in one or the corners of the room playing some kind of extremely hilarious card game by what I could tell. Cam and Jack were over by the three drum sets messing with one of the larger parts that held it together. The last three, Mitch, Nick, and Fi stood around near me. I couldn’t help but notice both boys staring at me while Fi told us one of her stories about being extremely spoiled by her parents, but not liking that they bought her stuff to win her over and did nothing else to make her feel wanted.
“I’m going to go start another song when Rae’s done. Who wants to play a little, since I want a full four-person? I don’t care what song,” I said, sitting up and directing my question at Mitch, Nick, and Fi.
“Oh, I’ll play bass if you do any of the ‘sky or ‘beach songs,” Mitch offered.
Fi shrugged, “I’ll drum or lead if you want. I don’t care what you do. Are you gonna sing or lead?”
I nodded to Mitch, and then answered Fi, “I think I’ll sing. I’ve got the perfect song, but I need guy vocals too. Fi, I’d be cool if you drummed. Nick, would you like to sing some with me? And I’m sure Shane or Keeg will lead guitar.”
Fi grinned and Nick nodded after the slightest hesitation.
Mitch looked curious, “there are only four songs in ‘sky and ‘beach that require male and female vocals.”
“So?” I asked, standing and stretching, letting the strap hold up my guitar.
Nick smiled, “so which song? Close, Without It, Sunset Dock, or No-Day?”
I shrugged, beginning to walk around the outer wall to the other side of the room, “which is your favorite?” I asked daringly to Nick, who followed me along with Fi and Mitch.
“I guess I’d have to say Close,” Nick replied. I could hear the nervousness in his voice at choosing the song.
“Exactly the one I wanted to sing,” I said, looking at him. I knew that Nick, Mitch, Shane, and Keegan all wanted to ask me out; they couldn’t hide it from me. But I knew also that they were only nervous when I wanted them to do something with me, because they were excited. They all tried not to show too much enthusiasm, but it was obvious to me that they had trouble.
Rae got to her last note just as we reached the area where all the mics, amps, and cords were strewn about. I set my guitar down near the wall. Rae walked over to talk with Mark and Zan, and I walked up to Shane and Keegan as the last string echoed one last time.
I realized that there were tears in Keegan’s eyes when he and Shane looked up at me. Shane blinked and rubbed his own eyes before I could see into his.
“Man, I love that song,” Shane whispered, almost inaudibly. Keegan nodded, now wiping his eyes as well.
I remembered that Rae had been solo singing to the acoustic version of the song the two of us had written about trying as hard as you could to be noticed, trying and failing to make a difference, and never being given the credit for all of the things you do. It also hinted on the story behind Rae’s and my own lives, because we’d both never been given the chance to do anything on our own. I remembered my favorite line, the last line in the song, “I may have been born to fail, but I’ll die trying . . . trying to do this for you”. I couldn’t help but nod in agreement with the two of them. That was another thing I loved about this community; the guys were a little bit more open than most, and sometimes actually cried or told emotional stories in front of everyone else.
I blinked a couple times to remind myself what I was about to sing, and started, “me, too. Hey, do either one of you want to lead guitar to the song “close” from the “MFBSky” disc?”
Keegan nodded, beating Shane to answering, “I will. Who’s going to do the other parts?”
I glanced at a defeated Shane as he stood to walk away, and reminded myself that one of them would win me over one day. In answer to Keegan I nodded toward Mitch, Nick, and Fi. Mitch was untangling the cord to one of the amps, and Nick and Fi were adjusting the location of one of the drum sets so that it faced the center more. I looked back at a chuckling Keegan.
“Okay,” he said, “I’ll have to grab a better amp, then.”
Five minutes later I found myself holding a microphone and introducing the song to the others just for fun, “Okay, guys. We’re going to sing the double version of Close. Here we go!”
Throughout the song Nick glanced at me admiringly, and at every lyric we both sang, we made perfect harmony. And out of the corner of my eye I could see Mitch and Keegan getting into the song as well. It was, despite the lyrics, a pretty fun alternative/rock sort of song. Or at least we thought. I had actually written that one with the help of Fi, Mitch, Shane, Keegan, Rae, Cally, Nick, and Tay.
As Mitch’s guitar faded out we got a nice applause from the others.
Fi was up and cheering with them with more enthusiasm that a puppy when you first mention the word ‘walk’. She ran over to me, her dyed neon-purple (quite distracting) hair bouncing in heavily gelled, now sweat-streaked locks above her ears, drumsticks twirling in one hand. At first I received a simple energetic hug from her, but afterward she wrapped an arm around me and quickly whispered in my ear, “If you don’t choose one of those boys they’ll kill each other for you. I saw Nick, Mitch, and Keegan exchanging glances during the song.”
I nodded, knowing that I’d known already that I’d have to, but dreading the possibility that I had to choose one of the four boys that I loved like friends. I knew, actually, that I liked the four of them more than all the other boys, the same type of like they had for me, but I couldn’t just choose one of them. It was weird how I liked all four. I decided that I’d think it over tonight and I’d make myself choose one of them by tomorrow. Then I’d just hope for the best until that one got the courage not only to ask me to come to one of our mini concerts, but to face the other three after I accept.
After another three hours or so of hanging out, talking, eating and drinking, sometimes singing or playing, three of us, who just happened this time to be myself, Zan, and Fi, went upstairs to the old shed, bolted the door, and snuck out the electricity control panel out from behind one wall. It was hard to see in the dark room, now that the sun had gone down, or at least was setting, but we knew the switches by heart (even though we’d only had maybe twenty parties like this one . . .).
With a little help from Fi, I slowly dimmed the lights in the room below. After a second I switched them off completely. Then I engaged all power to the increased speakers, soundproof walls, and, of course, lighting.
There were several black lights in large low-light strips circling the outer walls and spray-painted ‘band square’, as well as dozens of disco-ball like lights on the ceiling. There were many other lighting systems installed that were also activated. We even had about seven motion-sensing spotlights that would automatically follow any one person on stage as long as they held a microphone or amp that was plugged into one of the tracking jacks. There was also an item like that which was remotely controlled inside every pair of drumsticks. So it was technically foolproof for spotlights.
After a second of adjusting, Fi closed the thing and slid it back. We met Zan at the stairs and walked back down. The first thing I heard was an enthusiastic scream from Rae. Someone was already starting her favorite theme song with electric guitar instead of violin. I made my way across the room and relaxed in a chair next to the table that Allee, Josh, Ian, Nick, and Lissa already sat around. These showoff chances were amazingly fun, and anyone that wanted to could go up and do any song they chose. If we started at eight, they usually lasted until midnight or past. But usually I was outside watching the last of the sunset or just walking the beach or ocean trail during some of that time. The music would pound and no one ever noticed me gone for a little while. It was too dark to see who left anyway. I slumped back in my chair to listen to the song for a while . . .
“Rena?” someone’s voice jerked me out of deep thought as I watched the waves lap on the moonlit shore. I looked around toward the source of the voice. It was Nick.
“Rena, what are you doing out here?” he asked, taking a step closer to me. He was about five feet away.
I turned away from him now, gazing up at the cloudless, starry sky. It reminded me of a song I used to listen to as a younger kid. “Light up the Sky” by “Yellowcard”. “I just wanted some fresh air and a little quiet for a while. What are YOU doing?” I replied.
I could hear him shuffle one foot uneasily. “I . . . was looking for you.”
“Were you?” My arms were folded gently, and I looked down at them. There was a long scar along my right forearm. It was from when I was twelve, I fell rock climbing with my mother. She’d also fallen, dying from impact with the ground. I had reached out and stopped myself, cutting up my whole hand and part of my arm in the process.
Back to Nick. “Yeah,” he said, “I, umm, noticed that you were gone since I wanted to do a song with you. Hey, are . . . are you okay?”
I could hear his words but looking at the scar had reminded me of my life before my mother died. I had burst into tears halfway through Nick’s words.
Shaking with sobs, I staggered foreword and fell to me knees. I leaned foreword and put out my hands as well. I heard Nick run the few steps over to me and kneel down, but my eyes were closed.
I felt his hand placed cautiously on my back, but even if I’d have enjoyed that feeling normally, all I could think about was my mom. His other hand was soon on my arm, gently stroking it. I shifted from hands and knees to kneeling. I blinked tears of rage away, but couldn’t stop myself from more convulsing sobs. I could hear Nick’s worried voice, but I couldn’t understand his words. I could see my mother’s image in my head; I could see her face as she fell. I could hear her screaming, and me screaming just as loud after her. I could see her body on the ground, blood pooling quickly next to her head. I could see the present scar on my own arm, but I could also see the blood from years ago, the flesh almost gone from my hand, bright red trailing in the rock behind me as I’d gripped the cliff. I could taste the blood from biting my tongue on impact, I could feel the wet rocks in my hand, stained and soaked with my own blood. It was like I was reliving the scene. It was torture.
And then I was in Nick’s arms; he was cradling me and talking to me. I gripped his hand in one of my own, part of his shirt in my other hand. My head was buried in his shoulder and I could feel him stroking my back. My face was hot and wet, and I could feel more tears pouring from my eyes. Why was I so shaken up? Why had I broken down?
I realized that I could hear what Nick was saying, “It’s okay. I’m here. You’re okay . . .” he must’ve realized that I’d quieted down relatively. He stopped talking and gripped my shoulder. I leaned back and looked at him. There was concern in his eyes, and his whole expression was blank curiosity.
“I . . . my . . . oh, Nick,” I couldn’t even manage speaking without breaking into more sobs. I sniffed, and blinked more, trying to compose myself. I was sitting on a beach sobbing my heart out while one of the four guys that I’d die for and that would die for me was cradling me in his arms with no idea what my problem was. I blinked again.
Nick reached out a hand and brushed the tears from my cheeks and smiled at me. “Rena, you don’t need to explain. Whatever it is, you’re okay. I’m here,” and with that he cradled my head in his hands and pressed his lips into mine. I kissed him right back, wrapping my arms around him and trying not to cry. And we sat there for who knows how long.
Maybe twenty minutes later the two of us lay on the beach looking at the stars and listening to the ocean. I had told Nick, the very first person in maybe five years, about my mother and how I’d been sent here to live with my crazy father, and how I’d suddenly seen the scar and just broken down, probably because I’ve had to hold it in for years without a word about it. He’d already told me that he understood, and that he didn’t mind me losing it in front of him. He’s already said, getting a nervous chuckle from me, that he was actually grateful in a way that I had, because he’d had no idea what to do to smooth the situation over if I hadn’t have burst into tears. He’d already told me that he loved me and knew that I had to choose one of them. He’d already told me that he didn’t care if I didn’t choose him, he just wanted me to know how he felt. And now we were just spending a little time together, since I’d told him I suddenly knew it would be him.
“Do you see the North star?” Nick asked, sitting up slightly and pointing up at the sky with his free hand (the other was clutched tightly in my own).
“Yeah,” I whispered, feeling more like a child than I had since my mother died (I had never had a ‘boyfriend’).
“I never—,” he began, but I pulled him by the hand over to me as I sat up, and locked his lips into mine in a passionate kiss. He stroked my black hair from my eyes as he moved closer. I closed my eyes and just let him wrap his arms around me. It felt so different, but so good, to be loved and actually love back for once.
And suddenly the moment was broken. I was blinded by light and sound shook my head like needles in a little box. Air rushed into my lungs as my lips broke from Nick’s and opened my eyes. I was standing and running to the trail in an instant, Nick right behind me, dragged by a gripped hand. We both saw it at the same time. Stunned, I let go of Nick’s hand and sprinted closer down the trail toward the shed. The sound was gone now; I couldn’t hear anything but my heart beat against my chest, my pulse pound in my head. I couldn’t see anything but the blinding light dancing in front of me in devilish forms, the rest of my vision blurred by more tears. Suddenly I was stopped by Nick’s hands around my waist. He pulled me strongly to him as I screamed, trying to pull away and run into the shed. My sobs were all I could hear and feel now as Nick wrapped his arms firmly around me, gripping me in a tight hug. I turned as he turned around, burying my face in his clothing as I squeezed his shoulder. All I could do was breath and cry. All I could feel was the heat, and Nick’s tight, protective grip. All I could think was NO. All I could hear was his breath in my ear as he watched the shed, the room below, and all of our friends disappear before us as taunting flames engulfed what seemed to be our whole world.
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Posted: Fri Feb 15, 2008 1:22 pm
Mm, this should probably go in showcase, but I will read through it for you. However I reserve the right to proof read it and correct any grammatical stuff that makes me twitch. OK?
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Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 12:29 pm
Okay! fine with me.
Thank you for posting, at least... xd
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Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 1:39 pm
Hello??
By the way i've edited the story a little bit since I posted it here.
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Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 5:57 am
Sorry, I've been cramed with school. . . plus I'm lazy sweatdrop
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Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 4:21 pm
I don't mind. Thanks for at least posting so far.
I'm just a little surprised no one else has posted...especially my real-life friend or two in the Guild. crying
Ah, well.
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Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 4:26 pm
This is GREAT!!!! Keep writing it, please! I want to know what happens! It makes me want to get my own story posted sooner!
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Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 7:58 pm
Please continue, I must know what happens next or I might explode
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