Welcome to Gaia! ::

Ooh, darling, don't despair. People in this guild tend only to post their own material and not read others'; however! I'll be reading yours shortly and give my opinion. Just had to post this nice und quickly, ja.

My, we're quite the writer. I like this story very much! A very enjoyable read; a rather nice sojourn from what I usually read, nowadays. heart

Since you've asked for someone to criticise your work, I will; however, keep in mind that anything I write can easily be ignored! You already are quite talented and easily able to keep the reader's attention. Remember, first and foremost, to be true to your own style (for it is beautiful) and your own opinion on wording. Feel free to tell me to stuff my opinions. 3nodding

As a note, this turned out much longer than I anticipated. Damn to rambling. Erm. I encourage you to skip it all; I post because I said I would. *coughs*

As to the prologue:
In the second paragraph, you've written that the two shaded figures sat "amongst" the table. It implies that one is surrounded (for example, lying amongst the grasses); just something to bear in mind. There's nothing wrong with saying they're seated -at- the table.

In the fourth paragraph, you've written, "In his other hand, sat a clutched pencil." The comma there is unnecessary, even if one intends to pause when reading this aloud; it's a complete thought. Also, the word 'clutched' seems a bit off; the verb 'sat' seems to indicate that the pencil was there resting, while clutched contradicts such. You might want to get rid of 'sat' and just go with 'clutched'; as in, "His other hand clutched a battered pencil," or something of the like.

As to the first chapter:
I love first person perspective (my random note) Just watch how often you use "I", like the Miki said.

First paragraph! "I glanced through the darkness..." Keep in mind that a glance is a very brief sort of look, not at all searching. It's quick and disinterested--or, too, it could be one of those furtive little looks you give someone when you don't want them to see.
Und then...moving onto the next few paragraphs: it seems a little irrelevant to me to state the character's favourite colours at such a time--but only because you're in first person. Such means that you're writing down what the character is observing and thinking; I don't think anyone would have the presence of mind to, whilst crying, observe that black was one of their favourite colours--especially when the dark is scaring them.

Being too lazy to count paragraphs now, I quote: "I stood up, sniffing heavily as I wiped a few tears from my eyelids. I gasped, as the silver strands became thicker and thicker, and purple added to the mix." The first comma is unneeded.
[Running out of caffeine, now--apologies for any abruptness.]
"The floor illuminated, as if glow-in-the-dark planks of wood." Here you're going to change something for grammar's sake; otherwise one's left wondering, '...Glow in the dark planks of wood are doing what, now?' Try saying something like "as if it were comprised of glow-in-the-dark planks of wood," or something along those lines.

"I shivered, as a draft cutting through my red pajamas." The comma is unneeded again, my dear. Also, your word ought to be 'cut' instead of 'cutting'.

"I ran, until I no longer found ground." Comma, bad!

"Below me, I laid on a soft, handmade rug." First, you -lay- on the rug, not laid on it. Laid is when you're setting something else down. That the rug would be below the character is an unnecessary detail; unless we're in Alice in Wonderland's rabbit hole, lying on something means we're on top of it. Either leave out that you're laying on it (i.e., Beneath me was a soft, handmade rug.) or leave out that it's beneath you (i.e., I lay on a soft, handmade rug.).

"I fluttered my icy blue eyes, my long eyelashes fluttering also as I struggled up, sitting in an upright position." Again, liebling--First person means your character is narrator. When you think, do you notice the striking hue of your eyes or those gorgeous lashes you happen to posses? Nein. Perhaps wait to describe her when she gets in front of the mirror, later on. I'll continue with this idea in some other sentences: "My legs were outstretched in front of me, and my arms were playing with my shoulder-length chestnut brown hair. My fingers attempted to remove the knots and tangles overpowering the slightly wavy volume." In this situation a character could very likely noticing her hair to this degree unless she was very vain.

"I stood up, spinning my torso so I could crack my back, and stretching my arms out." It ought to be "stretched my arms out" unless you accidentally forgot to continue your sentence.

"I slowly stepped to the bathroom, walking in and immediately flipping the light switch." Walked in; watch your tenses.

I sipped, making sure not to make too many noises so I could hear my ‘’hallucinations’’. Period, inside quotations.

"A pale, blank figure stepped toward me. It stepped toward me slowly, making every step count. My heartbeat and her footsteps confused my ears. Her footsteps were slower, and my heartbeats were racing.
It stepped up to me, and I noticed a face." In these sentences, watch your pronouns. If it's a blank figure you don't know its gender; yet it started out a she, switched a moment back to it, then again was a she.

"She has gorgeous amethyst eyes, glaring into my own icy blue eyes." Had.

...Connor is sexy. *coughs*

"I groaned in annoyance and pain, not daring to move a muscle, as I laid face-first into the carpet, my arms hung limp by my sides." The second comma is not needed; and, too, it's 'lay,' not laid. You also need a semicolon betwixt 'carpet' and 'my arms'.

"I was pulled up by the back of the collar on my shirt and was stood up, and the moment I was on my feet, duct tape was pulled over my lush red lips." Darling, there goes that vanity bit again with the lush red lips.

Finally I'm through, and please don't be discouraged by any of my comments. You're wonderful, and I'm honest in that. You're very imaginative. However, after having one very picky English professor and now writing three or four essays a week (alongside 'fun' writing), being a grammar-Nazi is hard to avoid. Forgiveness. sad

*3*

Yes! Please! PLEASE RAMBLE!
I've been begging for criticism. On here, on DeviantART and even on Quizilla. xDD

I LOVE YOU ALL. YOU ARE SO AMAZING.
-glomps Miki and Tai- {(heehee. awesome nickname. i love Thai food. =D)}

Thank you so much for the critique. I really needed it.

The tenses sometimes confuse me, so I getting messed up when writing and I get confused. But thank you lots!

And I honestly can't thank you enough. {(yes, i am freaking out about it. xD)}
You two are great - and don't worry about being grammar Nazis.
I don't really know what else to say except thanks. =]

I'll get bettur! And and and and I don't know what else! whee
Thanks for the millionth+ time!
Heehee.

-mel

I'm absolutely in love with the way that you receive critiques. Most kind of shrug and mutter something about 'My way was better...' heart heart You, my dear, are awesome. I'm glad we could be of some help to you.

Random, likely uninteresting fact for the day: Taibhrigh [Tie-vree] is an Irish verb; to dream. I find I like Tai very much, though! whee

lol, me too. I really want to be an author when I'm older because writing isn't just a hobby to me, it's a passion. And you do take criticism really well~! *gives a cookie* 4laugh My friends used to hate it when I help them out, but some of them are beginning to like it. Lol, I think that it gives them better grades in English... sweatdrop I just hope that they are learning also. But anyway, You do write really well, and with some refining you could make it totally awesome!

~~See your name on the book shelves! heart