All In A Day's Work
"Stop right there." our daughter told one of her students. Pointing to the Guinness on the seventh grader's shirt, Wendy said, "You can't wear clothing with a beer logo on it." "Beer?" said the girl. "I thought it said Genius." Shirley Neubauer
I was prediding over a wedding when the best man asked if I wouldn't mind also keeping an eye on the gift table. "There are a few people here the newlyweds don't trust around all that money," he confinded. "Then why on earth were they invited?" I asked. Looking at me like I'm nuts he said, "They're family." David Gilbert
The well-dressed woman stood out among the usual truckers after wandering into our credit union, near Los Angeles. Clearly lost, she asked, "How do I get to Beverly Hills?" Our head teller knew the quickest route: "Marry rich." Lynda Chitwood
My real name is Wilton, but everyone at the plastics factory calls me Dub. And that's where the confusion began. A woman from the front office came by with a form to fill out. But when she asked for my name, I wasn't sure which one to give. Waiting patiently for me to make up my mind, she said, "I don't have any easier questions." Wilton Rose
Humor In Uniform
I revently married an Army officer. My seven-year-old daughter took one look at his uniform and, noticing the double bars of his captain's insignia, asked, "Is that your pause button?" Angela Owens
Laughter is the Best Medicine
Three contractors bid on a minor fence-repair job at the White House. The first contractor from Florida, comes in with a bid of $1000: $400 for materials, $400 for labor and $200 for profit. The second contractor from Tennessee, says he'll do the job for $800: #300 for materials, $300 for labor and $200 for profit. Then comes the contractor from New Jersey, who submits a bid of $100,800. "Why so much?" askes the startled government official. "Well," says the contractor, "I figure, $50,000 for me, $50,000 for you, and $800 for the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
My cousin's not too bright. She got an AM radio--took her a month to realize she could use it at night. Bob Fenster
Two drunks stumble out of a bar after a long night of boozing. They have no idea what time it is. One askes, "Is that the sun up there, or the moon?" "How should I know? says the other. "I don't live around here."
Returning home early from a business trip, a man finds his wife in the bedroom. She isn't wearing a stich of clothing. Surprised, he says, "It's the middle of the afternoon. Why aren't you dressed?" "I have nothing to wear," his wife answers. "Nonsense," he says throwing open her closet. "You have a red dress, a green dress ... hi, Harry ... a purple dress ..."
Life in These United States
My wife wanted to play the violin at our wedding reception, but right before, a string snapped. Her mother made the announcement to our gursts: "I'm sorry to say that Amy cannot perform today. Her G string snapped." Bret Walker
The train conductor walked up and down the aisle, reminding passengers to "stay seated and do not wanter aimlessly about." As he passed me, he mummbled, "That's my job." Al Leggs
