First of all, if you read this entire thing, I will be more than surprised... I do tend to get naggy when I let it all out. But you guys told me I should come here for letting it all out, right? D:
Well, mainly, the reason I've been gone is that I haven't been feeling well. No, not sickness, but more like depression's rearing it's ugly head again. Blah blah, teeange angst right? Not really. My life is going good, minding the fact my father's dying right before my eyes.
Every day he tells me he's going to die soon. Every day he tells me that he might not be around forever. Every day he tells me that I never loved him.
Excuse me, what? I love the man half to death. Ungh. Mom says he's just trying to make it so I miss him less, but that will never work. I love him, always.
Although, there will be some things I don't miss. Like, him calling me names, making fun of weigth, and making fun at my looks.
I know I'm not the skinniest lil' b***h around, but I'm just a little chubby. I admit that. Anyways, my dad likes to have the habit of calling me Dumbo, because he says I look like an elephant. 'A big walrus'. Ha, funny funny man you are, a*****e.
Besides that, just recently I was snuggling against him at the table, stretching my arms out, when he noticed my arms. 'Showing your Italian side?' 'Huh?' 'Your hairy gorilla arms.' Now, I'm not one to care about my arms, since they only look hairy because I'm pale, and my hair color is a dark brown, so eh, my bad for being pale. But when my own father says something like that to me? Ouch. It stung, really bad. I literally cried... Well, hid it, because my parents were there.
So, yesterday I shaved my arms and legs and showed him, and he laughed at me, then calling me a freak girl. I wanted to cry. I shaved my arms for nothing.
*Sigh* Sometimes I wish we could back to my childhood memories... Oh, that brings up another reason. Lately, more than ever, I've been having horrible flashbacks whenever I look at people I knew.
Take for instance, this man named Ron. Now, Ron was a two timing son of a b***h, and he helped cause my family to break apart when I was seven. My dad was in debt to him, and they kept it a little secret. Until he told mom. Mom was angry. She took all of dad's CDs (some of my favorites growing up) and sold them. Got his tools, and sold them.
Where's my dad in all of this? In San Fransisco for medical reasons. He'll stay there another few weeks because mommy's mad.
When I looked at that b*****d Ron, it all came back to me. Memories I had gotten rid of, memories that should have stayed gone. But they triggered more.
Our friend Jose yelled at my mom about my father. He was screaming at her outside. I was inside, crying, holding my blankie tight, and wanting him to go away. I always looked up to him, until that point. I wanted my dog to rip him in half.
More memories. About my liking for pain and blood and all that. But we'll save that for another time.
Basically, the worst parts of my childhood.
That was only because of me looking at one man.
At High School, there are some kids I haven't seen for years. Mostly all the ones that tortured me through highschool, and the guy I was foolish enough to like... And have my heart ripped out from me.
No, looking at each bully's face, I remember how they treated me back then. I remember all the punches, the kicks, and most of all the names. Those horrible names...
There are a few girls I remember that treated me like I was nothing, and all the guys loved them. They still do.
How I hate memories.
Anyways, I haven't been online because of all that, and I've been playing RagnarokOnline to help calm me down half the time. Killing stuff rules.
But, I haven't forgotten about you all. I've sent out gifts, gifted people outside of the guild telling them to come here, and mentioned it to my friends on Gaia.
I'll make you guys a promise. As long as I have you guys to help me through these struggles, I'll visit every day, alright?
I love you guys, Thanks for putting up with me.
Well, mainly, the reason I've been gone is that I haven't been feeling well. No, not sickness, but more like depression's rearing it's ugly head again. Blah blah, teeange angst right? Not really. My life is going good, minding the fact my father's dying right before my eyes.
Every day he tells me he's going to die soon. Every day he tells me that he might not be around forever. Every day he tells me that I never loved him.
Excuse me, what? I love the man half to death. Ungh. Mom says he's just trying to make it so I miss him less, but that will never work. I love him, always.
Although, there will be some things I don't miss. Like, him calling me names, making fun of weigth, and making fun at my looks.
I know I'm not the skinniest lil' b***h around, but I'm just a little chubby. I admit that. Anyways, my dad likes to have the habit of calling me Dumbo, because he says I look like an elephant. 'A big walrus'. Ha, funny funny man you are, a*****e.
Besides that, just recently I was snuggling against him at the table, stretching my arms out, when he noticed my arms. 'Showing your Italian side?' 'Huh?' 'Your hairy gorilla arms.' Now, I'm not one to care about my arms, since they only look hairy because I'm pale, and my hair color is a dark brown, so eh, my bad for being pale. But when my own father says something like that to me? Ouch. It stung, really bad. I literally cried... Well, hid it, because my parents were there.
So, yesterday I shaved my arms and legs and showed him, and he laughed at me, then calling me a freak girl. I wanted to cry. I shaved my arms for nothing.
*Sigh* Sometimes I wish we could back to my childhood memories... Oh, that brings up another reason. Lately, more than ever, I've been having horrible flashbacks whenever I look at people I knew.
Take for instance, this man named Ron. Now, Ron was a two timing son of a b***h, and he helped cause my family to break apart when I was seven. My dad was in debt to him, and they kept it a little secret. Until he told mom. Mom was angry. She took all of dad's CDs (some of my favorites growing up) and sold them. Got his tools, and sold them.
Where's my dad in all of this? In San Fransisco for medical reasons. He'll stay there another few weeks because mommy's mad.
When I looked at that b*****d Ron, it all came back to me. Memories I had gotten rid of, memories that should have stayed gone. But they triggered more.
Our friend Jose yelled at my mom about my father. He was screaming at her outside. I was inside, crying, holding my blankie tight, and wanting him to go away. I always looked up to him, until that point. I wanted my dog to rip him in half.
More memories. About my liking for pain and blood and all that. But we'll save that for another time.
Basically, the worst parts of my childhood.
That was only because of me looking at one man.
At High School, there are some kids I haven't seen for years. Mostly all the ones that tortured me through highschool, and the guy I was foolish enough to like... And have my heart ripped out from me.
No, looking at each bully's face, I remember how they treated me back then. I remember all the punches, the kicks, and most of all the names. Those horrible names...
There are a few girls I remember that treated me like I was nothing, and all the guys loved them. They still do.
How I hate memories.
Anyways, I haven't been online because of all that, and I've been playing RagnarokOnline to help calm me down half the time. Killing stuff rules.
But, I haven't forgotten about you all. I've sent out gifts, gifted people outside of the guild telling them to come here, and mentioned it to my friends on Gaia.
I'll make you guys a promise. As long as I have you guys to help me through these struggles, I'll visit every day, alright?
I love you guys, Thanks for putting up with me.
