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That is really good. It has a lot of intense emotion in it and good word choice. There are a few sentences that are hard to read, though.

"Such a fascination was held, my; such utter captivation." It took me a second read over to understand what that said. The "my" in there really knocks off the flow. I understand that you're trying to get across her shock, but it could be more easily read in two sentences. For example: "Such a fascination was held. My, such utter captivation."

"You see: as her world drowned in sanguine tides, it shone like some debauched lighthouse." You should use a comma after "you see" instead of a colon. Both punctuation gives off the same idea, but it's easier to read with a comma.

"As her hopes were shredded by depravity, it held up a new one; single, awful, beautiful." "it" could probably be changed to another word. The meaning is not altogether clear as to what "it" is. The same goes to the sentence after it. But I love that ending "single, awful, beautiful." Very dramatic.

"No; 'twas only me who knew, and I was already too ashamed of her to help." I love that sentence, it seems so honest and regretful. There should be a comma after the "No", though.

"The mask is, as ever, in place; or so it seems to me. " Comma instead of semicolon, or seperate into seperate sentences.

"Only illusion is left, now." There shouldn't be any comma at the end. the sentence flows without needing a sudden stopper.


heart That was really, really good. Very dramatic. If I could suggest anything, it's to watch your use of semicolons. They are very nice to use, but when there are too many, they become very repetitive and hard to understand. In many cases, a simple comma will suffice. biggrin