Title: B.O.R.E.D. Meets Rammstein
Author: amukuwannabe
Character(s): Till Lindemann, Richard Kruspe, Paul Landers, Oliver Riedel, Christoph Schneider, Flake Lorenz, Kevin Druhlimeshi, Emily Nonaka, Amuku Takahiski
Couple(s) if any: Umm... Richard and Amuku?
Rating: PG-13, I don't think even that.
Summary: Three members of B.O.R.E.D. meet up with Rammstein and a whole new mess appears! (No suprise there to any B.O.R.E.D. Fans...)
Well, This is just something I came up with. It involves some characters from my Graphic Novel B.O.R.E.D. and RAMMSTEIN!!! 4laugh A lot of people will be like WTF?! But hey, it involves Rammstein, so I'm putting it here.
B.O.R.E.D. and RAMMSTEIN!
“Kevin! Can we see the Eiffel Tower? Please, please, PLEASE?!” Amuku whined.
“No.” said Kevin.
“Okay then, how ‘bout the Coliseum! There are lions there right?! OOOH! Lemme see the lions!”
“No.”
“Please oh PLEASE?!” Amuku asked once again. Amuku was about to have a screaming fit when all of a sudden Kevin snapped.
“Amuku! Were in Germany. Not France, not Italy, GERMANY!”
“Well, why the hell are we in Germany?!” Amuku shot out. “We’re gonna get sick here! It’s full of germs! That’s why they call it Germany, right? Cuz’ there’s many germs?”
Kevin slapped his forehead. That only made his head feel worse. Driving a bus full of crazy friends half-way through a country he knew very little about, with a screaming idiot by his side, was just about all Kevin could handle.
“Du fehlst mir, mein Emily…” was all he managed to whisper. Amuku, not understanding a word Kevin said but still knew it was German, was reminded.
“Ah ha!” Amuku said. “Do you remember your vows? You should probably practice before we get there y’know?”
Remember? How could he forget! It was Kevin and Emily’s wedding day, the one day Kevin promised himself he wouldn’t screw up. Kevin quickly recited his vows flawlessly in perfect German. Just doing that made his tie seem tighter. Kevin spoke German fluently, but was still frightened by error. Heaven forbid he said “hate” instead of “have”, or “Teil” in place of “Till”. Kevin winced.
“Dude, that was perfect!” Amuku exclaimed. “I had no clue what you were saying and you looked like a complete idiot, but whatever! I don’t care! I’m not the one getting married! Way to go buddy!”
Kevin couldn’t take it anymore. “Amuku, I gotta go… I need… Some rest… Will you drive for a while please?”
Amuku immediately got into the driver seat and left Kevin to lie down.
“Poor guy,” Amuku sighed, and then began to think. “Wait, were in Germany right? That’s in London? People drive on the left side of the road in London! Kevin was so stressed he was driving on the wrong side of the road this whole time! Good thing I know my geography!”
Amuku, the idiot that he was, failed to realize that Germany was not in London, It is in fact its own country, and they drive on the right side of the road just like Americans. Amuku hummed pleasantly as he moved instantaneously into the left lane.
Kevin sat down on the bus seat (unaware of Amuku’s driving abilities), closed his eyes, ready… Somewhat.
***
“RICHARD!” Screamed Paul Landers. “GIB MIR MEIN NAIL POLISH!”
Richard Kruspe giggled as he ran circles around the Rammstein Bus, with Paul chasing him fast and furious.
“Come und git it, shorty!” Teased Richard.
“I’M NOT SHORT! I’m…….. Petite….” Paul replied.
Flake Lorenz looked up from his book. It was not uncommon for him to be distracted by two 40-year old men acting like school children. He was used to it. It seemed to happen on a daily basis.
“Huff…puff… You… Jerk… Just vait… I vill… get you…” Paul managed to say.
Richard was about to jump back inside the bus, when Oliver Riedel and Christoph Schneider suddenly stopped him.
“Stop eet, you guys! Zis ist serious!” Schneider exclaimed. “How can you guys be fooling around at a time like zis!”
“Ja!” Olli corresponded. “Get back in ze boous! Ve haff to get going!”
Richard pouted. “But vhyyyyyyyyyyyyyy??? I vant to stay here. Go find Till on your own!”
“Vhy should ve?!” Exclaimed Paul, finally catching up with Richard. “Ist your fault Till is missing!”
They were right. It was all Richard’s fault…
… Till Lindemann was busy practicing his bird calls in a forest when Richard suddenly came through.
“Till! Oh no! You can’t do zat here! You haff to go deeper into ze forest!”
“Vhy?!” Till wondered. “I like it here. Go avay!”
“Nein Till! Ze birds can’t hear you here! Ist too noisy!”
“It vouldn’t be eff you shut your mouth vounce in a vhile!”
Richard tugged on Till’s sleeve. “Come Till, deeper into ze forest. Vait, I show you!”
Till sighed, and followed Richard deep into the forest. REALLY deep.
“Vhere are ve Richard? Ist been over three hours!” Till complained.
“Shhhh!” Whispered Richard. “Do you hear zat?!”
Till stopped and listened. His ears perked up at the sound. “Ist zat really…”
“Ja! Ja! Till! Ist ze call of ze Nerdy Nose Picker!” Richard shouted excitedly.
Till couldn’t believe it. The Nerdy Nose Picker was one of the rarest birds in the forest. Thought to be extinct.
“Zat bird…” Till murmured. “I MUST HAFF IT!”
Till grabbed his flamethrower out of his backpack getting it ready, while Richard wondered how he even fit it in his bag to begin with.
“Till… How’d you…”
“I VILL GET YOU LITTLE BIRDY!” Till shouted as he fired his flamethrower and missed.
“Vait Till! Vat are you doi-”
“VE’RE HAFFIN’ CHICKEN TONIGHT! HUZZAH!” Till said as he blasted his flamethrower, burning about 500 trees to ashes, but somehow completely missing the bird.
“Squawk.” Was all the bird managed to say as it flew off.
“Oh no you don’t!” Till yelled. “You can’t speak to me like zat! Come back here! I KEEL YOU!”
“Till! VAIT!” Richard screamed. But it was too late. Till was too far away and too preoccupied with the Nerdy Nose Picker to acknowledge Richard.
“Oh no…” Richard said. “I am stuck in ze forest… all alone… vith no Till, no fan girls… nobody… I’m so scared! Vhatever vill I do?!”
Richard pondered for a moment, then was struck by inspiration.
“I know! Eff ze vorld ist round, then I vill valk straight forvard until I reach the boous again! Oh I’m so smart!”
And so, Richard embarked on his journey around the world, (a total of four hours, mostly due to the fact that he got lost again and turned around), until he reached the bus again. Paul, Flake, Oliver, and Schneider were there to greet him.
“Vhere haff you been, Richard! Ve’ve been vaiting for hours!” Schneider asked with his hands on his hips.
“Ja! Ve are all late because you veren’t here on time!” Oliver pointed out.
“C’mon guys, don’t be so hard on him.” Said Paul. “Ist not his fault it takes him longer to valk! He just has to carry zat big butt around vith him!” Everyone laughed except Richard. Richard turned around to look at his butt.
“Ist not zat big… Ist just beautiful! Anyvone vould be happy vith zis butt! You guys are just jealous!” Richard said shaking his butt back and forth. Flake looked up from another one of his books, shook his head, and continued reading.
“Ja, ja, whatever…” laughed Schneider. “Ve haff ze pretty a**, now vhere ist ze fat a**?!”
Richard looked around in confusion. “Vhen did ve get new band members? Are zey popular? I haff never heard of Pretty a** and Fat a**!” Everyone slapped their foreheads.
“Never mind.” Said Schneider. “Vhere ist Till?”
“Oh! Till!” Exclaimed Richard. “He ist busy chasing a bird vith a flamethrower. He vent six hours zat vay!” Everyone fell silent. Flake even dropped his book!
“Vat?” Richard asked.
“Six hours zat vay ist Berlin!” Paul screamed. “YOU SENT TILL VILD VITH A FLAMETHROWER INTO BERLIN?!?!”
“YOU IDIOT!” Shouted Flake, chucking the book at Richard’s head.
“Vhoops….” Said Richard.
***
Emily Nonaka was pacing around the church nervously. “Ohgodohgodohgod… I don’t know any German! Why did I want our vows in German! Why, WHY?!?!” Emily looked in the mirror. She was somewhat shocked and pleased at what she saw. She was no longer a boyish, Rammstein-hat-wearing, eyes-covered-in-black-eyeliner girl, but a beautiful, long-white-dress-wearing young woman. A young woman about to make the biggest decision in her life. She was getting married to her best friend, Kevin Druhlimeshi. She was no longer on her own. She had someone to share the rest of her life with.
“Ick…” Emily said as she looked down at her dress. “Good thing I don’t have to wear this squalid thing all day… I’m gonna go change. The wedding is not for a while anyways.”
Emily quickly changed out of her dress, put on her Völkerball T-shirt, some black pants, and her hat with the Rammstein logo safety-pinned to the side. You could hardly tell it was the same person.
“I need some fresh air.” Emily said leaving the church. “Why are churches always so stuffy?!”
Emily looked around. Hundreds of people in Berlin, but none were people she recognized. Emily came to Berlin hoping to steal a glance of the band Rammstein, or even just Till Lindemann. A fools dream, she knew, but that never stopped her from thinking about it.
“Oh how awesome it would be to meet Till Lindemann!” Emily thought to herself. “Yeah, he’s as old as my dad, and he is a little chubby, but still…” Emily fantasized about Till for a good five minutes until she shook her head and snapped out of it. “For goodness sakes Emily!” She told herself. “You’re getting MARRIED! You can’t dream about other men! Even if they are sex gods!”
Emily sighed. “It’s not like I’d ever meet Till anyways. It’s a one in a gazillion chance just to see him, unless you go to a concert. It’s just a dream to forget about I guess.”
Emily was about to turn around and head back to the church when all of a sudden a strange bird landed on her head. “Squawk.” Was all it said.
“Oh wow! A bird! I wonder what kind it is?”
Unfortunately, Emily wouldn’t have the time to research it. Just as the bird had landed on her head, Emily saw a glimpse of something heading her way. Something big. A person. A chubby person as old as her dad with a flamethrower in his hands. Emily hardly had any time to spit out his name before Till Lindemann leaped and landed on both Emily and the Nerdy Nose Picker.
“HUZZAH! YOU ARE MINE LITTLE BIRDY! ALL MINE! HAHAH-- Oh! Excuse me, It seems zat I haff squashed you little girl! I’m so sorry!”
Emily looked up. She couldn’t believe it. She was in the middle of Berlin, with a million people staring at her, and Till Lindemann was lying on top of her. “O……M……..G…….” Was all she could say.
Till got up, stuffed the bird in his bag and helped Emily off the ground. “Hello! My name is Till Lindemann, singer of Rammstein…” Till looked at Emily’s hat and shirt. “Oh, but I guess you already knew that. Vat ist your name?”
Emily looked down in shyness. “My name… Is… Emily. Emily Nonaka.”
“Vell, nice to meet you, fräulein Emily! You look like just vat ve need. Please, come vith me!”
“HUH?!” Emily exclaimed as Till carried her off. “Wait! What are you doing! Let me go!”
“Ve are making a music video, and ve need a girl just like you! Sorry, but I am late. My idiot band members are probably searching for me right now, and ve haff no time to lose!”
“VAIT! I mean wait!” Emily said. “What music video are we doing and what part will I play?”
“Heirate Mich.” Till exclaimed. “I vill be ze groom, and you vill be my bride!… Or maybe I‘ll be ze bride and you be ze groom… I haven‘t decided yet.”
“WHAT!” Emily cried.
***
Kevin had just barely gotten up from his nap when he heard Amuku’s voice. “What is that idiot up to?” Kevin wondered.
Kevin headed out into the drivers compartment and saw Amuku driving just the way he was when he left him. On the wrong side of the road.
“AMUKU YOU IDIOT! YOU’VE BEEN DRIVING ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD THIS WHOLE TIME!”
“Huh?” Replied Amuku. “No I haven’t. We’re in London. I’m on the right side aren’t I?”
Kevin’s headache started up again. “AMUKU LONDON IS IN ENGLAND!!! WE-ARE-IN-GER- OMIGOD! LOOK OUT!”
It was too late. Amuku had been driving on the wrong side of the road and obviously wasn’t watching where he was going. The bus came closer and closer until- CRASH! Well, you know.
“Ugh.” Said Amuku. “What the hell was that?!”
“We just crashed into another bus!” Yelled Kevin. “AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!”
Amuku hopped out of the bus and went to see the damage he had caused. He wouldn’t have to look long because he was about to be told off by the driver of the other vehicle. A tall bald guy with what looked like a bass guitar strapped to his back.
“LOOK AT VAT YOU DID TO OUR BOOUS! I KEEL YOU!”
“Shut up baldy!” Said Amuku. “Why don’t you learn to drive on the right side of the road!”
“HOW DARE YOU! BECAUSE OF YOU VE ARE LATE! NOW VE MAY NEVER FIND TILL!”
“Hey! Don’t take that tone of voice with me!” Replied Amuku. “It not like I can understand you anyway! I don’t speak germ! Stupid Bacterian!”
Amuku was about to kick the other driver in the shin, while the other driver was about to hit Amuku with his guitar, when four other men came out of the bus Amuku had crashed into. Amuku had no clue who they were, but Kevin did, and that’s all that mattered.
“AHH! It- It’s RAMMSTEIN!” Kevin squealed with excitement. “Oliver! Please excuse my idiot friend! He is very stupid and does not know your greatness! Bow Amuku, BOW!”
“Uh… Ist okay…” Said Oliver. “I vould’nt vaste my precious guitar on some vorthless speck of dirt like him anyvays.”
“HEY!” Shouted Amuku, no longer bowing.
“Ooh! Fans!” Shouted Richard. “Oh vait… none of them are girls. I vas mistaken vith the blonde guy’s high-pitched voice…”
“HEY!” Shouted Kevin, also no longer bowing.
“Vell, this is all nice and dandy, but ve haff to hurry!” Cried Schneider. “Till ist still loose in Berlin and ve haff no vay to get there!”
“Wait. Till Lindemann is loose in Berlin?!” Kevin asked.
“Yes. Richard here got him lost!” Said Paul.
“I did not! Not really… I just led him to ze Nerdy Nose Picker…”
“VE DON’T CARE ABOUT ZE NERDY NOSE PICKER!” The rest of Rammstein cried.
“I think I might know where your lost singer is.” Kevin said.
“Yeah! Me too!” cried Amuku. “He’s in Germany!” Kevin hit Amuku over the head.
“Really! How vould you know vhere to find him?” Asked Flake.
“Well, my fiancée is in Berlin waiting for me-”
“Oh you’re getting married! How sveet!” Exclaimed Richard. “Can I be ze flower girl?” Paul, Oliver, Flake, and Schneider all hit Richard over the head.
“Ahem…” Kevin continued. “My fiancée Emily is in Berlin, and she is a BIG Till Lindemann fan. I’m pretty sure if Till is in Berlin, and Emily knew it, all we would have to do is find Emily and she would be attached to Till… Or the pieces left of him…”
“Ja, that’s nice, but how vill ve find zis Emily?” Oliver asked.
“Easy!” Laughed Kevin. “Just start playing your music and she’ll come running faster than a fat guy wanting cake!”
“Oh that’s pretty fast!” Said Richard. “I’ve seen Till run vhen he vants cake… I can never keep up vith him!” Everyone laughed.
“Okay, so ist a plan! Ve play and find Till!” Exclaimed Schneider.
“Yeah! And then Kevin finds Emily and they get married! Happily ever after!” Amuku cried.
And so the adventure began. Kevin, Amuku, Richard, Paul, Oliver, Schneider, and Flake set out to find their missing comrades. Little did they know that their comrades were busy trying to find them too…
***
“HEY! What are you doing! That’s my wedding dress! Don’t ruin it!” Emily yelled.
“How very ironic for you to haff a vedding dress! Are you sure you haffent been stalking me?” Till asked while trying desperately to fit into Emily’s wedding gown. “This video is going to be so perfect! Usually Schneider vears ze dresses, and now I see vhy… Zey can be very comfortable!”
“Argh! TILL! I need that! PLEASE don’t ruin it! You can’t fit into it!” Emily pleaded.
“ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?…” Till growled.
“Um… No…” Emily said softly. “You are sexy… Totally sexy… Sex god… All bow down before you… ARGH! KEVIN WHERE ARE YOU!”
“Yesh, I sexy, you know it…” Till said while admiring himself in Emily’s stretched out dress. “Now if only ve had ze rest of ze band, ve vould be all set!”
Emily sighed. What would she say to Kevin? ‘Sorry, we couldn’t get married because a man I fantasized about in dirty ways was busy trying on my wedding dress’ was not going to cut it. Emily could already predict what would happen. “Those poor wedding dishes…” Emily said to herself.
“It is almost time for rehearsal.” Till exclaimed. “Do you know vat to do?”
“No, not really.” Emily sighed.
“Vell, most of our videos haff either fire or sex in them. Maybe I should light zis dress on fire?” Till wondered.
“NO!” Emily yelped, remembering how much the dress cost her in the first place.
“Oh, vell, Then ist sex! Oh, you are a such a dirty girl, you are!” Till said with a smirk.
Emily frowned. She did not like being called a “dirty girl”. Sure, she had dreamed of Till calling her that, but this was different. The only person she wanted to call her a dirty girl was Kevin, and even then she would feel uncomfortable.
“Vell, lets get this show on ze road!” Till exclaimed. “Take off your shirt.”
“What! NO!”
“Do eeettt….”
“I won’t!”
“Pwease….”
“No.”
“Don’t be embarrassed, I’ve seen girls vith no breasts before. You’re not a freak.”
“SHADDUP YOU PERVY OLD MAN!”
“Old man! I’m not an old man!”
“But you’re a pervert!”*
“No, I just vant to haff sex for the video!”
“PERVERT!”
“Fine, if you von’t take off your shirt, zen take off your pants.”
“ARGH! NO!”
Till then started fiddling with Emily’s belt buckle, trying to find his way through the loops while Emily was kicking and screaming the whole time.
“Stand still! Geez! Your vorse zan a child!”
“Child? I am not a child!”
Till finally had loosened Emily’s belt and had halfway pulled down her pants, revealing her childish (but cute) Sesame Street undies. Emily blushed.
“Um… Till……………..Where is the video crew?” Emily asked looking around. She couldn’t find one camera.
“Uh… Zey are finding… the film???”
“It’s the digital age… Nobody uses film anymore…”
“Uh…Um…” Till stuttered nervously. “I-I knew zat! Zey are just busy!”
“Doing what?”
“Doing…Doing… Somezink! That’s vat!” Till muttered as he fiddled with his own belt under the wedding dress.
Emily pondered for a moment. There was a 45-year-old German man wearing her wedding dress, lying on top of her. Undoing his pants, trying to have sex with her for a video that wasn’t being filmed. And this was something she dreamed about.
“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!” Emily wondered out loud.
Till came closer and closer. Emily finally smelled the alcohol on his breath.
“Wait! Till! Are you drunk?!” She yelped.
“Janeinohmayberieieiei…….” Till slurred.
Emily thought quickly. “Wait Till! You don’t want to have sex with me! Trust me! You don’t know what your getting yourself into!”
“Vhy not?” Till asked.
“Because…. Because….” Emily thought hard. “OH! Because I’m Richard!”
“Ja, so?” Till murmered, looking awfully bored.
“Um… Then I’m Paul?”
“Don’t care.”
“Flake?”
“Been zere, done zat…”
“Ollie?”
“Meh…”
“Schneider?”
“More voman zan you vill ever be…”
Emily was running out of people. Who could it be that Till would not have sex with? She wondered.
“Till…”
“Vat?”
Emily did her best Lord Vader impression. “I… AM YOUR FATHER. (Psssssskkkkk)”
Till rolled his eyes. “Vati, don’t be stupid. You’re dead. Go avay.”
“ARGH! TILL! YOU HORNY b*****d! GET OFFA ME!” Emily cried.
Emily continued to kick, while Till continued to struggle, when all of a sudden both stopped. They both heard a familiar noise, one they both knew very well…
“DU… DU HAST… DU HAST MICH…”
***
“DU HAST MICH GEFRAG… DU HAST MICH GEFRAG…” Came blaring out of the stereo.
“This is stupid.” Said Amuku. “You guys write, play, and perform the songs, but intead of that you place a CD into the stereo? How screwed up is that?!”
“Shaddup!” Said Richard. “Ve could play ze songs, but vat is ze use if Till isn’t here to sing zem?!”
“Oh yeah…” Amuku exclaimed. “Well, I can sing!”
“PLEASE! NO!” Everyone cried.
“Poohey.” Muttered Amuku.
The boys walked and walked until they reached a church. Out of curiosity, they went inside to check it out.
Kevin looked down at the ground and noticed something: Emily’s black, safety-pinned, Rammstein hat. He knew it was her’s because she had made it herself, and it was the only one in the entire world.*
“OMG! I FOUND HER HAT! WE’RE CLOSE! WE’RE CLOSE!” He cried.
“Und lookie zere!” Richard cried. “A Rammstein shirt! Is it her’s?”
“Um… Yes…” Kevin exclaimed, wondering why Emily had her shirt off.
“HEY!” Yelled Amuku. “I found her shoes!”
“Her shoes?” Wondered Kevin.
“I found somezink too!” said Paul. “Vait… are these… SOMEONE’S PANTS!”
“OKAY! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!” Kevin screamed.
“Vat do you mean?” asked Oliver.
“CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME…” Kevin growled trying to suppress his anger. “WHY MY FIANCEE IS RUNNING AROUND BERLIN NAKED?!?!?!”
Amuku and the Rammstein boy’s eyes all seemed to get wider. Everyone stepped back a bit.
“IF I FIND OUT… SHE IS WITH ANOTHER GUY…” Kevin grabbed the stereo that Oliver was holding and threw it across the room, smashing it into a million pieces.
“I vant my mutti…” Richard cried.
“Me too… I’m scared!” Amuku said, clinging onto Richard.
“LET’S BE SCARED TOGETHZER!” Screamed Richard.
“YES! LET’S!” Yelled Amuku.
Amuku and Richard both went to hide in a dark corner away from Kevin, but soon came back when Richard realized he didn’t want cobwebs in his beautiful hair. Amuku came back just because he didn’t want to be separated from Richard.
“Richard…” Amuku said as he stared deep into his eyes. “I have never met someone that has perfected the art of idiocy as well as I. You are a real role model.”
“Amuku…” Richard said staring back. “You make me feel smart. Zat’s how stupid you really are. Feel proud.”
“I am…” Amuku cried with tears in his eyes. “I really am.”
“Oh mein Gott.” Cried Paul. “Vould you idiots get it together! Ve haff to find Emily!”
“Ja ve do!” Richard cried. “Poor girl must be cold vith no clothes on!”
“And we have to find Till too!” Cried Amuku.
Kevin had no comment on the matter. He was still on a rampage. Ripping doors from their hinges left and right until he ripped one off and saw something that would scar him for the rest of his life…
“AAAHHHHHH!!!” Kevin cried.
“VAT?! VAT?!” Everyone yelled. “Did you find them?!”
“No…” Kevin said. “Just two spiders mating.”
“EWWWWWEEEEE!!!” Everyone cried.
Just then, a noise came out from another one of the doors. It sounded muffled, but Kevin still could understand it. So could the rest of the guys.
“Hey, No! Stop it! Please! You can‘t do this!”
“That’s Emily’s voice!” Kevin shouted outloud.
“Just relax, everyzink vill be okay. I promise.”
“Und zat’s Till’s!” Cried Schneider.
“I vonder vat zey are doing?” Asked Richard.
“Yeah, me too!” Said Amuku.
“Probably haffing vild, passionate sex.” Paul exclaimed.
“WHAT!” Yelled Kevin.
“Let’s go see vat zey are up to.” Said Flake.
“No… Ve shouldn’t bother zem during ze ‘art of love‘…” Exclaimed Oliver.
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘ART OF LOVE‘?!” Kevin screamed. “THERE IS NOTHING GOING ON IN THERE!”
“Ah! No Till no! It won’t fit! It’s too big! It’s too big!”
“No it isn’t. You just haff to stretch your legs a little farther.”
“Ow OW OWWWW!”
“Oh I’m sorry! Did I make you bleed?”
“Yes, but it’s okay Till. Just be more careful.”
“See? I told you.” Said Paul.
“AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!” Cried Kevin.
Kevin didn’t waste any time. He was ready to barge in there and take the love of his life back, even if he had to battle Till with sharp objects. He took a deep breath, gathered up his courage, and stormed through the door. He was surprised at what he saw.
Kevin stood there like an idiot, jaw to the floor, staring at Emily in her outstretched wedding dress, way too big for her, with her legs spread out so it would still fit on her body. Till was behind her, needle in hand, sewing the dress back together, and struggling to get a Band-aid to place on the point where he had pricked her arm with the needle. It was quite an unexpected scene.
“Hallo Kevin! What are you doing here? It’s bad luck to see a bride in her wedding dress before the wedding, don’t you know?” Emily said.
“Wha-- wha… what the hell is going on here…” Kevin spit out.
“It’s a funny story actually!” Emily chuckled. “Till here almost killed me trying to get the Nerdy Nose Picker, and that’s how we met!”
“Ja,” Till began to tell. “I thought she vas just a random fan girl, so I figured I could use her in our Rammstein video, Heirate Mich.”
“And so,” Emily continued. “Tilly here tried on my wedding dress and stretched it out. He said that we should have sex for the video, but the camera crew was late. I was crying and trying to tell him no, but he wouldn’t listen because he was drunk.”
“I had no idea she vas getting married!” Till exclaimed. “After she told me she vas and how much she missed you und needed you, und how you make her day vorthvile and full of joy, I felt ashamed. So here I am trying to apoligize by fixing her vedding dress.”
“And in the process, he hurt me with the stupid needle, making me bleed.” Emily pouted. “Till, you aren’t very good at sewing.”
“Shuddap! I already know zis! I zaid I vas sorry! Jeesh!”
Richard, Paul, Oliver, Schneider, Flake, and Amuku all tried to squeeze through the door frame at once to see what was going on.
“Awww… Ze dress is soooo pretty!” Richard exclaimed. “…Too bad Till had to ruin it.”
“Shut up.” Till growled.
“He ruined it because he vas too fat.” Paul added.
“Shut up!” Till growled louder.
“Und now he can’t deny he is fat anymore because zere is ze proof!” Schneider shouted, pointing to the wedding dress.
“I ZAID SHUT UP! OR I VILL KICK EVERY VONE OF YOUR ASSES! GRRR!!!” Till yelled.
Emily and Kevin laughed. They stared into each other’s eyes and knew that this was a day they would never forget. For once in their lives, they could enjoy life, and feel the love of another. They were about to kiss when Paul suddenly split them up.
“Nein Nein!” He said. “You can’t do zis yet! You haff to get married first! Ze vedding! Ze vedding!”
“But how can we get married?!” Emily asked. “Kevin tore up the entire church, nobody knows where we are, there is no one to marry us, and it’s just impossible now!”
“No it izn’t.” Till said straighting up. “Ve can help you.”
“How?” Kevin asked.
“I can play ze music on ze organ.” Flake said raising his hand.
“I can valk you down the isle. I‘ll be honored.” Till said holding up Emily’s hand.
“I call Flower girl! Flower girl!” Richard said jumping up and down.
“Und I guess I can be ze Ring Bearer.” Paul said thinking.
“Oooh! Zat’s perfect for you Paul!” Richard said excitedly. “You are short and cute! Just like a little boy!”
“VAT?!” Paul cried.
“I’m the best man!” Amuku cried.
“Und I’ll be your Maid of Honor.” Schneider giggled. “Just make sure ze dress matches mein eyes.”
“This is so nice of you.” Emily said with a small smile. “But there is still no one who can marry us.”
“Not true.” Till exclaimed. “Oliver has a secret life as a pirate.”
“Ja.” Oliver smiled. “I’m Captian of ze Lihpatec Pirates!”
“Hmm… That name sounds awfully familiar…” Emily thought to herself. (NOTE: Emily is also known as Captain Z.K. Teasel of the Dark Dragon Pirates. Paul Jailoh--another B.O.R.E.D. member not mentioned in this story--used to be the cabin boy for the Lihpatec Pirates before he joined Z.K.’s crew.)
“Well this is wonderful! Now we can get married!” Kevin said.
“Yes. Let’s do this.” Emily whispered.
And so, Flake sat down and played the wedding march, while Richard and Paul strolled down the isle. (They had to pause in the middle though, because Richard was throwing flowers every-which-way and not paying attention to where he was going, knocking himself into Paul, who cursed under his breath because he had dropped the rings.) After that. Schneider came down with a sparkely blue dress on, beautiful as can be. Richard became jealous, and started throwing roses at Schneider. Schneider just bowed and blew kisses. Then came the big moment. Amuku tapped Kevin on the shoulder and then Kevin looked. There was Emily, being led by Till. Step by step. Father (Not really.) and daughter. (She wishes.) In an outstretched wedding dress, somewhat stained. (Thanks a bunch Till.) And to Kevin, she had never looked better. (Wait. Is that a compliment or an insult?!) Till put Emily’s hand in Kevin’s, and went to sit down. Then Oliver began to speak.
“Ve are gathered here today, to bring togethzer -- Blah be blah (This is the boring part that we are going to skip) -- You may now kiss ze bride.”
And so Kevin and Emily kissed. And now they were married. Richard and Amuku burst into tears and held each other through the sobbing. Schenider wiped a tear away from his eye with his hankercheif, and Till just smiled, then fell asleep, snoring. Paul clapped. Oliver wiped the sweat off his brow, and then Flake started the music to lead them out. Kevin picked Emily up in his arms, marched out, leading to their next destination. Everyone said their goodbyes. There were some more tears. Kevin was sad. So was Amuku. So was Emily. They looked back at Rammstein, knowing that they will probably never see each other ever again. Richard, Paul, Flake, Schneider, Oliver, and Till (half asleep) waved goodbye. Kevin, Amuku and Emily went to go leave, when all of a sudden Kevin turned around.
“You know what I just realized?” Kevin said to Paul.
“Vat?” Paul asked.
“We are just going to see you guys tomorrow… Our honeymoon was going to be seeing you guys in concert.”
“Oh, really? Vell then I guess ve vill be seeing you tomorrow!” Richard said with a smile.
“Yeah! See you tomorrow!” Amuku waved.
“Rock Out!” Emily shouted to them, giving the rock-out hand symbol.
“JA!” Rammstein concluded.
“We love you Rammstein! Thank you for everything!” Kevin, Emily, and Amuku yelled leaving.
“We luff you too!” Rammstein yelled back.
“Rammstein Forever!”
“RAMMSTEIN FOREVER!”
***
ENDE
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