Victorian Etiquette

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Dating in the Victorian Age: "The Unsuitable Suitor of 1879"

"The rules and suggestions for courtship and romance occupy most of the space in Victorian etiquette and letter writing books. Near the end of the section there is generally one curt letter of refusal to a marriage proposal."

by Heather Palmer

The rules and suggestions for courtship and romance occupy most of the space in Victorian etiquette and letter writing books. There are usually flowery forms for written proposals from the suitor as well as a plethora of gushing acceptances from the bride-elect. Near the end of the section there is generally one curt letter of refusal to a marriage proposal. Usually the tone of the letter is vague and contains assurances that the honored lady thanks the gentleman for his offer but she cannot accept his proposal. The Victorian precept that a lady "never explains or complains" is followed rigidly.

Surprisingly, the 1879 edition of THE WORCESTER LETTER WRITER by the publishing house of d**k & Fitzgerald of New York presents more letter forms for refusing a proposal than it presents for encouraging a suitor! To readers today the index titles for these letters sound wildly humorous. Consider the titles "Refusal on the grounds of dislike", "Refusal on the grounds of unsteadiness of the suitor", and "Refusal on the grounds that the suitor is much younger than herself".

Upon careful thought, however, these letters can be seen to be sober testimony to the general tenor of society in the third quarter of nineteenth century America. The short paragraph headed "Refusal on the grounds of dislike" is important information to a historian today for what it reveals about the life of men in 1879. That such a letter was not absurd to include in a serious work is mute testimony to the number of young men who "failed" in the world. The contents of the letter are brief:

"Sir. -- I am astonished at your temerity, or, rather, your impudence. The man who assisted in effecting a brother's ruin, is not a suitable partner for his sister; and a moment's reflection might have convinced you that your agency in the matter to which I allude, has earned for you, not the love, but the unchangeable dislike of..."

Further evidence that young men of 1879 America were going "astray" is found in the letter entitled "Refusal on the grounds of unsteadiness of the suitor":

"Sir. -- There was a time when your addresses would have flattered and pleased me, but that time has long since passed away. Your conduct during the last two years has been made known to me, and, viewing you in the light of a dangerous man, I do not desire anymore intimate acquaintance. I could not reasonably expect happiness from a union with an individual who has destroyed the mental quiet of more than one young person, by his total disregard for what is due to the weaker by the stronger sex..."

Indeed, men of the period seem to have had such a predilection for going astray that the "courtship" section also includes a lengthy epistle entitled "Remonstrance of a young lady against the reckless life of her future husband". The lady writes to her future husband that the company he is keeping of late is "fast" and that his associates are "prejudicial to his future prospects" in business and also, since possessed of greater fortunes than has he, are luring him into a life beyond his means.

"Let me beseech you to abandon company which can only unsettle your disposition and destroy your future prospects," she begs.

In all these letters we catch a glimpse of what was relatively new in America -- a young educated man with a living to earn, probably separated from his family and living on his own in a city. In nineteenth century America a young man was reared to look to his mother and sisters for moral guidance and away from these influences he was culturally unprepared to take a strong moral stand on his own. As a "victim" of the new technology, the town worker had more leisure than had even his recent ancestors. In search of ways to occupy his evenings when his pocket money was limited, he often fell in with other fellows like himself. It is curious that the same letter writing volume contains a form for a letter between young men-about-town which has the seeds for disaster on which the three foregoing letters touch:

"My dear Lloyd. -- Half a dozen good fellows, together with your humble servant, propose devoting a few hours on Wednesday evening to a little social chit-chat, etc., enlivened by the imbibitions of sundry bottles of wine. I trust you will be present on that occasion... believe me, we shall have a right merry party."

What course was left for the young man who had strayed? If he had acquired a taste for high living and the suitable young women were refusing his advances, perhaps he could find a wealthy widow. At least enough young men had to be trying that route in order to justify the letter manual's inclusion of "Refusal on the grounds that the suitor is much younger than herself". The text is interesting enough to be cited at length:


"Dear Sir. -- My objections to the proposal contained in your letter, though few in number, demand some attention and, I am well assured, cannot be overcome. You are twenty-six years of age, I am forty-five. I have a son seventeen years of age, and consequently too far advanced to learn filial duty from one not much his senior. As to my little fortune, I consider myself merely the trustee for my children.... When you can convince me that, in point of age, fortune, and morals, you are such a person as I can, without reproach, take for my husband, and constitute the guardian of my children, I shall cease to suspect, that motives not the most honorable have induced you to play the lover to a woman sufficiently old to be your mother. I hope I have said enough to make you ashamed of your conduct..."

The young men of 1879 stood between two ways of life in a time of great change in America. They were exposed to temptations unknown to most of their fathers in a society more restrictive than that which their sons would enjoy. Women were at even more of a disadvantage in that restrictive society as they still could not seek out men or make "the first move." Their prerogative was, as was often quoted, "but to accept or decline". Armed with THE WORCESTER LETTER WRITER, at least they could express their refusal in a more forthright way than had the previous generation.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Heather Palmer, has served as the Curator of three historic house museums and was also the Historian of Blair House, the President's Guest House. She lectures at colleges and publishes articles in the fields of 18th and 19th century women's lives, clothing and needlework, and in the area of material culture. She does free-lance editorial work and writing.  

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A Gentleman

The Victorian gentleman must have been really something to behold if the following article is true. For any woman who has dreamed of the "knight in shining armor", the perfect man, or just a man who would give up the TV remote control, you have found him here. Remember, these gentleman mostly existed in the Victorian era. Few of us may be lucky enough to find one in the 20th century. For those of you still looking, you may get some good tips on things to look for in a man. For those of you who are married, take heart and remember, your husband may not resemble the "Victorian Gentleman", but you love him anyway.


Compare Newman's portrait of the gentleman to those found in discussions of the concept of gentleman by Gaskell and other authors as well as specific characters in Browning, Dickens, and Trollope.



What is a Gentleman?
It is almost a definition of a gentleman to say he is one who never inflicts pain. This description is both refined and, as far as it goes, accurate. He is mainly occupied in merely removing the obstacles which hinder the free and unembarrassed action of those about him; and he concurs with their movements rather than takes the initiative himself.

His benefits may be considered as parallel to what are called comforts or conveniences in arrangements of a personal nature: like an easy chair or a good fire, which do their part in dispelling cold and fatigue, though nature provides both means of rest and animal heat without them.

The true gentleman in like manner carefully avoids whatever may cause ajar or a jolt in the minds of those with whom he is cast; -- all clashing of opinion, or collision of feeling, all restraint, or suspicion, or gloom, or resentment; his great concern being to make every one at their case and at home.

He has his eyes on all his company; he is tender towards the bashful, gentle towards the distant, and merciful towards the absurd; he can recollect to whom he is speaking; he guards against unseasonable allusions, or topics which may irritate; he is seldom prominent in conversation, and never wearisome. He makes light of favours while he does them, and seems to be receiving when he is conferring.

He never speaks of himself except when compelled, never defends himself by a mere retort, he has no ears for slander or gossip, is scrupulous in imputing motives to those who interfere with him, and interprets everything for the best.

He is never mean or little in his disputes, never takes unfair advantage, never mistakes personalities or sharp sayings for arguments, or insinuates evil which he dare not say out. From a long-sighted prudence, he observes the maxim of the ancient sage, that we should ever conduct ourselves towards our enemy as if he were one day to be our friend.

He has too much good sense to be affronted at insults, he is too well employed to remember injuries, and too indolent to bear malice. He is patient, forbearing, and resigned, on philosophical principles; he submits to pain, because it is inevitable, to bereavement, because it is irreparable, and to death, because it is his destiny. If he engages in controversy of any kind, his disciplined intellect preserves him from the blunder. [From The Idea of a University, 1852]  

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Etiquette In The Ballroom

A lady or gentleman should finish their toilet before entering the room for dancing, as it is indecorous in either to be drawing on their gloves, or brushing their hair. Finish your toilet in the dressing rooms.

Always recognize the lady or gentleman, or the director of ceremonies with becoming politeness: a salute or bow is sufficient.

A lady should always have an easy, becoming and graceful movement while engaged in a quadrille or promenade. It is more pleasing to the gentleman.

A lady should never engage herself for more than the following set, unless by the consent of the gentleman who accompanies her. It is very impolite and insulting in either lady or gentleman while dancing in quadrille, to mar the pleasure of others by galloping around or inside the next set.

If a gentleman, without proper introduction, should ask a lady with whom he is not acquainted to dance or promenade, the lady should positively refuse.

Recollect, the desire of imparting pleasure, especially to the ladies, is one of the essential qualifications of a gentleman.

Ladies should not be too hasty in filling their program on their entrance to the ball room, as they may have cause for regret should a friend happen to enter.

An introduction in a public ball room must be understood by the gentleman to be for that evening only, after which the acquaintanceship ceases, unless the lady chooses to recognize it at any further time or place.

A lady should not attend a public ball without an escort, nor should she promenade the ball room alone; in fact, no lady should be left unattended.

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References

Carpenter, Lucien O. Universal Dancing Master. London: 1880.  

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Victorian Calling Card Etiquette

"Often as the subject of the use of cards and the etiquette of visiting is discussed with correspondents there remain always certain points to be taken up and explained...."

"It is generally understood that women leave their husband's cards. The custom is for a married woman calling formally on another married woman to leave one of her own and two of her husband's cards, one of his being for the hostess, the other for her husband...."

"As a rule, it is impossible to do more than make a single call a year on acquaintances in large cities, and this is supposed to be sufficient..."

"Occasions when other calls are obligatory. After a wedding breakfast, a luncheon, a dinner, a card party, or any evening entertainment to which one has been invited, a call should be made after the event whether one has accepted or not...."

"When an invitation to a church wedding, or a marriage announcement, is received, it is necessary to send cards to those in whose name it was issued and to the newly married pair..."

"In large cities it is usual to leave cards when attending an afternoon tea..."

"It is bad form to write "regrets" or "accepts" on a card. A note of reply must be written in acknowledgement of an invitation..."

"It is unreasonable to fancy that one's acquaintance is not desired because a call has not been returned promptly. There are many reasons for delayed calls. Illness in the family, absence from town, many occupations, may prevent the best-intentioned persons from making calls...."

"If an acquaintance calls after a long delay it is a duty to welcome her cordially... to hasten to accept any explanation she may offer and not to allude to it again...."


from....The Delineator  

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Dinning Room Etiquette

These rules of etiquette are still applicable today.

The most basic of rules:
- Do Not put your elbows on the table

- Chew with your mouth closed

- Do not play with your food, the silverware, and/ or anything else on the table

Not So Common Rules (rules that the average person -at least in America- does not seem to know):
- Do not reach across the table for something, ask for it to be passed to you. When passing something across the table, the object gets passed to whomever is seated directly beside you (NEVER reach over another person or their plate for ANY reason.)

- What to do with the napkin? When you sit down to eat, place it neatly in your lap. When you are finished, place it neatly beside your plate. If you must excuse yourself for a moment but wish to return to your meal, place it neatly in your chair.

- Once the silverware has touched the food, it NEVER touches the table again (the only exception being if there is a specific rest for it, like with chopsticks - a chopstick rest is usually provided with Japanese meals, if not than an extra napkin, because sticking the chopsticks into the food and leaving them is how one offers food to the dead.)

- If you have ever been to a formal dinner you have probably noticed that they provide several forks, knives, and spoons. How do you know which one to use? Just start from the outside and work your way in. The one farthest from the plate is for the appetizer, and the one closest to the plate is for desert (sometimes the desert silverware is not placed on the table until after the main coarse has been finished.)

- Take small bites and wait at least 30 seconds between each bite (this does not mean to chew for 30 seconds, just wait). When eating bread or other finger-foods, tear them into small bite-size pieces ( PLEASE do not tear the whole thing up at one time! Take your time, there is no rush.) What is finger-food? anything that is small enough to pick up with your fingers and is not messy (a hamburger is supposed to be eaten with a fork and knife and in some cases French Fries are to be eaten with a fork.)

- If you find that a piece of your silverware is dirty, politely notify a waiter (or the one serving the food), do not make a big deal about it.. Also if one is to find a hair or something in their food or drink, quietly remove it and place it under the edge of your bowel (for soups and such there is usually a plate provided on which to set the bowel and silverware) or in your napkin. Your appetite might be ruined, but please allow others to enjoy their meals, you may quietly notify the waiter when he or she comes by.

- The only thing allowed on the table is the meal itself. Do not put your gloves or purse on the table, place them in your lap or next to your feet.

- (not commonly practiced today) A gentleman is to stand when a lady enters or leaves the room. It is also polite for him to pull out the chair for her.

- Keep the conversation tame and safe (meaning things you would not mind your children hearing.) If someone is to speak of things that are inappropriate, do not be rude and tell them or ignore them, just change the subject. If they insist on speaking inappropriately, politely ask them to speak of other matters. Safe topics include the weather, news, your career , anything that is not TOO personal or might make one lose their appetite.

- Ladies, do not leave lipstick or any other makeup on the glasses or silverware. Be sure to blot your lipstick before setting at the dinner table (for those who do not know what blotting is, it is simply using a piece of folded tissue to press between the lips to remove excess lipstick.)





That is all I can think of at the moment... Izumi will add more as she thinks of it.