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-Chuck Norris doesnt sleep. He waits.-

-Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.-

-Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.-

-Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.-

-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.-

-Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. -

-If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.-

-Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.-

-Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.-

-How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.-

-Chuck Norris's p***s is so big that it has a p***s of its own and it is still bigger than yours.-

-Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear. -

-You are what you eat. Chuck Norris eats steel.-

-When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.-

-Anyone can piss on the floor, but chuck norris can s**t on the ceiling-

-What is the quickest way to mans heart? Chuck Norris's fist.-

-God wanted to create the world in 10 days. Chuck Norris gave him 6.-

-There are actually 8 wonders of the world. Chuck Norris counts for 4 of them.-

-God said "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said "Say please".-

-If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his a** kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.-

-Bullets dodge Chuck Norris-

-Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.-

-Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.-

-Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.-

-Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open-

-Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer-

-Chuck Norris can split an atom. With his bare hands.-

-Chuck Norris let the dogs out.-

-Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.-

-When Chuck Norris goes hunting he shoots himself in the leg to give the bear a head start.-

-Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.-

-Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.-

-The only thing better than Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris on TV, talking about Chuck Norris.-

-When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.-

-Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.-

-Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.-

-When Chuck Norris goes swimming he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norrised.-

-Chuck Norris once went back in time to fight Chuck Norris. He won.-

-Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.-

-What was going through the minds of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.-

-When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.-

-Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."-

-Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.-

-There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.-

-The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.-

-Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.-

-The adjective "perfect" originated when Chuck Norris gave his p***s a nickname.-

-The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.-

-Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack-