I know I don't normally do anything like this. I live an okay life I suppose. I wish it was better, but I can deal with it all. I'm happy and cheerfull on here almost 99% of the time. It's not even because im pretending either. All the wonderful people I have met on here make me smile, and I love being around them.
The only thing I have ever felt devoid of was a sufficient amount of love. I'm not going to go into that "no-one-likes-me" speech, but that is basically what it is. To make it simple, I was an unwanted, accident child born into a family who could never love me the way I want them to.
To make things short and to the point, I turned to the internet to find the love I so desire.
I know how the story goes: You find "love," it turns out all wrong, and you become even more depressed than before. Believe me, I know. I began to think I was a hopeless case. That is, until I met two people who changed my life and way of thinking very profoundly.
The first of which happens to be a boy my age who lives in Washington. His name is Alex, for short. The second is a boy slightly older than me (His 17th birthday was two days ago) who lives in Ventura, which is less than an hour from my house. His name is Kyle. They also knew each other.
I had been switching between them for some time. They loved me, and I just couldn't seem to choose. The only real problem was that I had never seen true love before, and didn't know what to look for.
While I was with Alex, he did something that I could never truly forgive him for. He kissed another girl, and even though we had never met, it tore me up inside. I knew after that incident that I cant be with Alex anymore.
So, with my thoughts completely focused on Kyle, we got back together one final time. He was happy, I was happy, and everything seemed alright.
Then one night, a week and 3 days ago, Kyle and I met face-to-face. It was the most magical night of my life, and even though we only kissed, I knew then that I really, truly, completely love him. Even more than that, I was in love with him and we were meant to be together.
Recently, however, Alex has been getting in touch with me again. He calls me now, and messages me every chance he gets. Kyle began to worry, but I always reassured him that I love him, not Alex.
Then last night, after visiting with my grandma, I was in a state of total disarray. I was hurt both emotionally and physically, as I always am after listening to her horrid comments about my body and the way I look. I needed comfort, but I could not get ahold of Kyle.
That was when Alex called me.. He could tell that something was wrong, so I told him about it. Then, when I was finally done explaining, and literally a complete and total mess, he did something I never thought he would or could do. He convinced and pressured me to cheat on Kyle through phone sex.
Now, after all is said and done, I feel terrible. I am about to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me, all because of a stupid mistake...
You can judge me how you want to, and tell me I am making myself a victim and it is all my fault. I am not here to gain sympathy, only to vent in a place where only my best friends can read what I write. Where only my gaia family can respond to it.
The only thing I have ever felt devoid of was a sufficient amount of love. I'm not going to go into that "no-one-likes-me" speech, but that is basically what it is. To make it simple, I was an unwanted, accident child born into a family who could never love me the way I want them to.
To make things short and to the point, I turned to the internet to find the love I so desire.
I know how the story goes: You find "love," it turns out all wrong, and you become even more depressed than before. Believe me, I know. I began to think I was a hopeless case. That is, until I met two people who changed my life and way of thinking very profoundly.
The first of which happens to be a boy my age who lives in Washington. His name is Alex, for short. The second is a boy slightly older than me (His 17th birthday was two days ago) who lives in Ventura, which is less than an hour from my house. His name is Kyle. They also knew each other.
I had been switching between them for some time. They loved me, and I just couldn't seem to choose. The only real problem was that I had never seen true love before, and didn't know what to look for.
While I was with Alex, he did something that I could never truly forgive him for. He kissed another girl, and even though we had never met, it tore me up inside. I knew after that incident that I cant be with Alex anymore.
So, with my thoughts completely focused on Kyle, we got back together one final time. He was happy, I was happy, and everything seemed alright.
Then one night, a week and 3 days ago, Kyle and I met face-to-face. It was the most magical night of my life, and even though we only kissed, I knew then that I really, truly, completely love him. Even more than that, I was in love with him and we were meant to be together.
Recently, however, Alex has been getting in touch with me again. He calls me now, and messages me every chance he gets. Kyle began to worry, but I always reassured him that I love him, not Alex.
Then last night, after visiting with my grandma, I was in a state of total disarray. I was hurt both emotionally and physically, as I always am after listening to her horrid comments about my body and the way I look. I needed comfort, but I could not get ahold of Kyle.
That was when Alex called me.. He could tell that something was wrong, so I told him about it. Then, when I was finally done explaining, and literally a complete and total mess, he did something I never thought he would or could do. He convinced and pressured me to cheat on Kyle through phone sex.
Now, after all is said and done, I feel terrible. I am about to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me, all because of a stupid mistake...
You can judge me how you want to, and tell me I am making myself a victim and it is all my fault. I am not here to gain sympathy, only to vent in a place where only my best friends can read what I write. Where only my gaia family can respond to it.
