|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 10:24 am
Flying with steel wings
Always weighted down
It cuts and bloodshed it brings
Covering the land in a crimson gown.
The dark consumes the light
Though it forces back and rages on
An endless dance, a fight
An infinite battle where no one has won.
Our steel wings will slice
Through the air and against our skin
Despite the pain it feels so nice
And I've come to realize we are the ultimate sin.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 10:26 am
A small attempt at trying to rhyme. By all means tell me what you think. Don't burn me to death but, if you can help me then offer it.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 12:37 pm
Lol, well if you wanted help, I could provide one line suggestion. Instead of "It cuts and bloodshed it brings" what if you were to try "With the bloodshed it brings."?
Lol, and as to the rhyming, I was taught that the words should sound similar, they don't have to be perfectly rhyming razz . So that's they way I go, maybe you should too XD Makes rhyming easier for me.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Apr 18, 2008 11:03 pm
I agree with Eviant that the line "It cuts and bloodshed it brings" could be changed to "With the bloodshed it brings". And I can't help much with rhyming, I only can rhyme if I feel a deep emotion at the time, and usually it's only a close sound. I think this is a good poem though. I liked it very much, and the lines "Flying with steel wings" and "Our steel wings will slice, through the air and against our skin" those lines remind me of a jet. I don't know why either. Steel and flying just triggered that picture.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
