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 Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 3:03 pm
TRUE TRICKERY IS FALSE
All characters found with in are of a fictitious nature and any relation between persons living or dead is just sad and pathetic it really, really is.
Chapter one: no hero
I am no hero, and I am no saint. Hell even the villainess of antagonists would back away in the mere mention of my name. I am a sinner, a smoker, and a binge drinker; I am the kind of person who would sell his own grandmother for a piece of lint. This is my story.
If your still reading this may the gods take mercy on your sick twisted sole. I swear that everything your about to read is true, but then again what to do the reader care if its true or not, of course you don't, all you the reader wants is for e to shut the hell up and get on with the damn story. Most stories are set in a wonderful world that can only be seen by drug addicts. You know the tails about a chivalrous knight fighting against a dark baron to save a beautiful princess. If I had it my way the princess would be missing all but three teeth, have the intelligence of an eggplant, and look like the b*****d child of an orc and a donkey. Well I say pike the righteous and the wicked, I have heard their stories too many times. Instead I present a story of truth, a story of trickery, and a story of falsehoods.
Riiiiight falsehoods.
Only the gods know how long I had been out. I awoke to find my self in an alley, and a bottle of burning bottoms brand whisky lay next to me. If my wizards training had taught me anything it was that alcohol and magic do not mix well. But I had never paid much attention to the head master. See most wizards presume them selfs better than everyone else (especially those egotistical necromancers). But I however acknowledged the fact that I am not the most powerful being in existence and thus was seen as an abomination and thus was expelled. Any way I finally got my bearings in and stood up, I was thankfully still wearing my wizards robes (as apposed to not wearing anything at all). I was standing in a strange viscous liquid that I assumed was, wait you do not want to know. I walked out of the ally and hoped to the bleeder, (the god I worship, well not so much worship as, that one day when I was little one of his priests came to me and said worship the bleeder or be purified by a crusade that is about to come through your village)
that I was in a gate town. (A town that has a whole lot of portals to other places, you have to be careful thought some mages make it so they take a toll from you, in the form of a giant troll mugging you.) I walked out of the ally and arrived in a market place filled with creatures I could not recognize. Cubes with arms, legs, and wings, there was one thats body looked like mashed potatoes, it had no arms and it was picking its nose with its tongue. (This is of coarse no importance what so ever but I just really needed to get it off my chest.) I saw a sign pointing to the west, I couldn't read it but I am an impulsive kind of guy, so I started to walk into the west (well I think it was the west, I couldn't really tell it was night time, and I know nothing about star constellations.) then I heard a voice that I understood in the distance, I walked to where it was coming from. there where a bunch of people standing around a makeshift pulpit dressed up as numbers (little children where dresses as ones and zeros) a nine stood in the pulpit he was additionally wearing a bishop outfit over the nine costume.
"Listen to me my numeric brothers and sisters" he said
"We are all equal in the eyes of the mighty PRQ" just then a seven appeared out no where and said
"Um technically that is numerically impossible" the nine pondered this for a moment scratching his chin and then he pointed out his finger at the seven and said "heretic, burn him" all the other numbers proceeded to jump him, fights started to brake out in the crowed and I slowly walked away. I did not really care what happened to them, I have never liked mathematics that much. I continued to walk, I came upon rose upon rose of pay phones, as I walk past the last one it rang, I went over and picked it up the following is the conversation I had.
"We are sorry but the number you have dialed is out of serves"
"But I was not calling any one"
"Oh well in that case WILD DEMONIC PIGS WILL DEVOUR YOUR-"
I hung up before it could finish; as I walked away I thought, "It really is going to be one of those days is not it."
Chapter two: one of those days
There exist so many gods and goddesses that pure chance demands that some of them are watching you at any given time (yes this includes when your self at night, some of them even get off at that kind of thing) it also stands to reason that something you have done in the coarse of your life has pleased at least one of them in some kind of way. So if you ask them for a favor at least one should do it for you, this is of coarse complete and total bullshit. But hay I had tried walking around aimlessly and that had not worked, so I held out my hands and did the signs and chanted the words your supposed to when communing with the deities, (No I am not going to tell you how to do it iv got way to many of the divine and the damned pissed off at me all ready.) and then I shouted at the top of my lungs.
"To what ever gods, goddesses, or transvestite divine may be listening, I call to you give me a sign"
The ground began to shake and tremble and a giant telephone pole erupted out of the ground and a huge centipede crawled up it, the centipede was wearing combat boots on all its feet and a cowboy hat.
Now I know what your thinking, no I was not high. Once it reached the top of the pole it pointed behind my and said, " go through that door"
I turned to look where it was pointing. I saw a giant neon sign that said that door in flashing lights and an arrow pointing to a door.
"Well if that is not the corniest piece of cra-" I began to say and then turn to the centipede.
"Is that normal?" I asked
The centipede only looked at my as though I was insane and then said "son do I look normal to you" in a really bad southern accent.
I then walked to the door; little did I know that the night was only beginning to get weird.
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Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 3:05 pm
what do you guys think about it?
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Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 3:11 pm
Dude, I would love to read this but there seems to be something stopping me... right, you haven't read the rules. All you gotta do is make three posts on other people's work and I can open this baby up. You have 3 days. 3nodding
Update: I love people who play by the rules... makes me feel like a real Queen (Fwahahah) J/K
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Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 4:23 pm
Hola Chico, I haven''t edited in a long time and this is short enough to get my nails into. Let''s see what I can do.
para1:Interesting beginning but I wonder if you can use fewer words to get your meaning across. get rid of that overuse of dots, they represent nothing in writing. It''s only a full stop or an ellipsis.
I think the over use of whining in 2nd person can be a bit annoying. I would try and make it work for you in the first paragraph.
para2: Punctuation needs to be neaten up and you seem to be wasting time with your story by letting the narrator talk too much. If that''s your writing style, cool but you are repeating yourself. I like the oddness of number 9 and what he says!
I''m all for illogical stories! but more detail would make this strong.
The beginning did put me off but I think that was your intention and as I got to reading I found the madness of it fascinating.
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Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 4:24 pm
*sigh* why do i always forget the important things
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Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 4:30 pm
Such as life bwoy, no sulking, get editing.
Peace heart
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Psychotic Maniacal Sanity
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Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 5:26 pm
Yeseah! What She said! -Prods Queeny-
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Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 5:44 pm
Queeny
para1:Interesting beginning but I wonder if you can use fewer words to get your meaning across. get rid of that overuse of dots, they represent nothing in writing. It's only a full stop or an ellipsis.
what should i put for pauses in dialogue or speach
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Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 5:53 pm
full stop will do and an ellipsis will work too but if you wanna be creative, leave the speech open and start a new line. The reader will pause as they get to the new line. Or have the narrator of the story digress, he himself pausing from the subject for the moment.
The choice is yours.
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Posted: Sat Sep 03, 2005 10:07 pm
Wow, that was...interesting. It was kind of funny. I liked the numbers bit. You have a few spelling and gramatical error (hey, what writer doesn't?), but otherwise, it seems very good. I hope you put up more. I need some insanity in my life.
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Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 7:14 pm
I think it's okay. These are only sugestions! I would have some sort of 'reality' first, just a bit, too express that what is going on is SO not ordinary, not like the normal DT's or sopmthing. This reminds me of The Phantom Tollbooth alot. I like the insanity of it though. It's well written.
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Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 4:22 pm
Chapter 3
I walked to the door, the door was huge almost reached the top of the building, and I opened the door and walked through. The door was at least two times as big as me and had carvings of faces with fiendish smiles all over it. As I walk in I saw a ticket booth and a closed door, the ticket booth had a sign above it that said insert five coins here and pointed to a place to put coins, I looked around and found a donation box and got some coins from it (after breaking it open that is) I put the coins into the slot the sign had been pointing to, as soon as I did this the door shattered as if it where made of glass "how very strange" I said to my self as I walked through the gap where the door used to be and as enter the next room a voice came from nowhere saying
"Welcome to the museum of universal irony and oddities enjoy your stay, a tour guide will be along shortly." The room was small and filled with strange things, artwork, and machinery, and other unidentifiable thing. On one of the walls was a black embossed velvet painting of Friedrich Nietzsche, there was also a table in the middle of the room with a bowl of apples on it. As I looked at the bowl my stomach growled so loudly that it sounded like a rabid animal. I took one and bit into it. It was delicious it was heavenly it was so good that it could inspire poets for generations, at least it would have been if it had not been for one tiny problem, it was made of wax. Just as I came to the realization that I was trying to eat something that was uneatable, a door appeared out of no where and a small creature wearing a red cloak and a large mask walked out of it. Well it was not that the mask was large as the creature was just very small.
"Greetings top of tin, and welcome to you, I am Kase I will be your tour guide for this ev" Kase (the small creature if you had not been paying attention) stopped as it saw me eating the wax food, and said to me.
"It surprises me that one would think that food was real" he then pointed to a sign that was on the table, it had "warning wax food do not eat" written on it.
"Ok that sign was not there before and if you work at a museum of irony how does anything surprise you"
"yeah ironic isnt it" he said as he rolled his eyes, I noticed that when ever he spoke the mouth of the mask moved, and every once and a wile the eyes blinked, I the realized that it was not a mask it was the creatures face.
"What are you exactly" I asked in a very polite way, most creatures think it offensive to ask what species they are.
"Ah, well you see I am an art golem"
This was strange for golems were usually made of just rock or metal but id never heard of an art golem before.
"How did that happen?"
"Well you see the mage who created me was not a very good artist and when he flunked out of Art College he took all of his sculptures and animated them and gave them free will, now that we have that out of the way what is your name?"
"Josef Beak" I said hopping he did not know who my father was.
"Ah good now introductions are over let me give you the tour."
He started to walk to the door he had come from.
"Wait, if I may ask why is there a painting of Nietzsche on the wall"
"He is the god of irony, allow me to explain you see the gods got so pissed of hearing nihilists saying "god is dead" that a bunch of them gathered and thought of what they should do to him once he died, and decided that they should make him a god, one of them I think it was Anubis suggested they make him into god of irony, come now to the tour"
"Um can we skip the tour I am kind of hungry, is there any where to eat in here?"
Kase pondered this over and then said
"Well there is Ragnarok, its really close by"
"The end of the world is close by?"
"No, it is a bar and grill where the gods of destruction and chaos hang out, I get off work soon I can show you where it is, I have to do something first, come with me"
he went over to the painting of Nietzsche and took a piece of chock from his cloak and drew a door knob on the painting, he reached out and turned it and the painting opened like a door.
"Come on" he signaled to follow him, I stepped through painting and I was in a room with a pond and a strange man who looked as if his entire body was made of sticks and twigs was sitting on top of the water, no not in the water on top of the water.
"wait here" Kase said and then ran off and disappeared into the wall.
"Where am I" I asked the man who sat on the pond
"where are any of us." He replied
"I am going to ask you again this time I do not want a philosophical answerer"
"where am I?"
"you are here."
"say something like that again and I am going to hit you over the head with the first blunt object I can find"
"you are in the museum of irony and universal oddities",
"no I mean what plane of existence",
"ah your in kizatacn"
"I see and what is kizatacn?"
"a very dangerous place." I looked around the room for something to hit him with.
"look do you want the long or short answerer?"
"Long" I said
"weird things happen here."
"what is the short answer?"
"your high" he began to laugh to himself
Look tell me the truth were am I?
" the truth will drive you mad" I see who are you?"
"I am Gashbeck." He said that as if I should know who he was is, (I did not)
"I see, so have you every been to this Ragnarok place" I asked him
"No I do not think they will let me in"
"Why?" I asked
"Im an atheist" he said
Just then Kase appeared
"Hay that poet had to leave something about a stupid king taunting death, he gave me the poem you wanted"
"Oh good read it off to me" Gashbeck said to Kase
Kase resided the poem.
"He was made of sticks and twigs
And he rambled upon a pond
And upon that pond he lay in wait
For his time to commiserate
And for his time to meddle in others fate
And until that time he would sit and think
Why is true trickery false?
And if irony is out of date"
"I like it" Gashbeck proclaimed
"I thought you would" Kase said and then turned to me
"Hey you think Gashbeck would like to come with"
"He said he did not think they would let him in"
"Oh they will let him in he is a god after all"
"Two things first he said he was an atheist second what is he the god of"
"Oh well you see he has depression he does not believe in himself, and second he the god of bad tasting chocolate"
"Bad tasting chocolate?" i asked for this sounded a tiny bit odd
"Yeah you know the kind that is all chalky and plastic tasting"
"Hey Gashbeck want to come with us to Ragnarok"
"Sure why not" he said
I realize now that going was a very big mistake
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Posted: Fri Jan 13, 2006 5:57 pm
Quote: may the gods take mercy on your sick twisted soleNo! Not my shoes!!
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