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 Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 8:33 am
Wellz. Ok, first off im Alena May, nice to meet you all. Um, second. If i offend you in any way, im truely sorry, Im honestly new to this whole thing and Id like some advice if anyone would care to lend it to me. Ok, well, Um. I just want to ask a few questions for now.
1. What causes feeling between two girls?
2. Can it be sparked by the actions by a previous lover?
3. What If the person I like dosent return my feelings?
4. And what if they ridicule me and like, tells all their friends and I become the laughing stock of the school..... crying
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Posted: Fri Apr 18, 2008 12:52 am
Welcome to the folk, Alena! ^_^
Okay, I'm going to give the answers to your questions, speaking from my personal experience and thoughts.. my word isn't law, okay?
1. Simply put; love. I don't think the principle of girl-girl attraction or guy-guy attraction for that matter, is any different from heterosexual attraction.
2. Hmm.. not specifically, but the fact that I have had a boyfriend helped -me- realize that I was gay. It's different for everybody, I think.
3. Hmm, tough one. There are a number of things you could do; 1. forget him/her, 2. be his/her friend, and make the best out of that friendship as you can, 3. (and my personal favourite) talk to him/her about it in a mature way, and discuss how this affects your friendship (if you have any -- note that this way you COULD lose a friend, and that it is the most risky).
4. Hmm.. well, take a deep breath, walk on, and live your life the way it's right for you. Don't conform to their standards if you simply don't meet them (in hindsight, that has led me to depression and suicidal thoughts)
Well, I hope this helped at all, and if not... don't be afraid to scold me for it. smile
Take care.
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Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 4:16 pm
Hello and welcome, Alena May. It's nice to meet you. I can assure you I'm not offended, nor do I thnk anyone else here is either. This is certainly a place to ask questions, so, please do! Also, being confused is a normal part of being a human, so don't let that worry you.
Now, one small disclaimer, we are all just giving you our opinions based on what you have told us and what we have experienced in our own lives. Remember to take the proverbial grain of salt with all this.
I can't think of anything that needs to be added to Snow White Queen89's answer to what causes attraction, love it is.
I suspect that what you really want to know is "Why is my love directed at a girl and not a guy?" That, of course, is the million dollar question, unfortunately, there is no million dollar answer. For every study out there that supposedly "definitively proves" one theory, there seems inevitably to be another one saying why the first one is wrong. So, unfortunately, the only real answer at the moment is, we just don't know.
Of course, I have to assume in all of this that you are aware of your gender preference and are not still struggling to decide, which would be a whole other issue.
The answer to your second question rather depends on what actions you mean. If you had a previous lover who was a girl and it was a positive experience then yes, that would tend to reinforce that loving a girl is something you like. If your previous lover was a guy and the whole relationship was a negative experience, that would also reinforce that a girl is your preference. If it was the other way around, and you still feel drawn to a girl then you are probably responding to some other factor than the actions of your previous lover.
Please note that I am not implying abuse when I say negative experiences, women, and men, can have abusive experiences at the hands of opposite gendered lovers and still want an opposite gendered lover, just not the abusive one. What I mean is that your over all take on the past experience is one of you realising that a girl seems right for you and a guy doesn't.
Please be careful with one other thing. If by actions of a previous lover you are refering to sex remember that sex can cloud issues like love as easily as clarify it. You can't make a decision based on a good or bad sexual experience, you need other things to go on as well, such as how did the non sexual part of the relationship feel?
To answer your third question, that's always a risk, and it won't matter if it is someone of the same gender ot the opposite, not everyone we are attracted to is attracted back. That's life. Having said that, there remains the question of whether she is not attracted to you, or just hadn't noticed you. Compatibility isn't just based on whether you like how someone looks (though that is part of it) it is also based on a lot of other things such as interests you have in common, shared likes and dislikes, beliefs and values that you share, and goals for the future. The best way to meet someone who has these is to do them yourself and look at who you meet who is also doing them. That's where you'll find the person who you will have a meaningful relationship with in the long term.
Your last question is a bit more touchy, it partly will depend on your community and how they will respond to such a revelation. If it is not safe I'd recommend using caution, you don't need a beating.
I would suggest you handle this by not rushing things. Try to become the girl's friend first, that's where you can share the non sexual compatability things from the above answer and see if you really click after all. It's also where you can have a chance to expore ideas with that person about how she feels about things like girl/girl relationships by asking relatively safe general questions. If she has strong feeling one way or the other you will likely find out quickly enough and get your answer as to the safety of going farther or not.
I realise these answers are somewhat vague and incomplete, but without knowing you and your exact ituation I can only give a general answer. I hope I have at least given you something to think about.
Good luck!
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