Welcome to Gaia! ::

(The following is copied from my DeviantArt journal.)

I'm sorry I've been gone so long, but my life has gone really down hill since my last entry I hardly know where to start. A few weeks after my last entry I had a realative die, which is always horrible. That same week, I also won the State Championship for an academic challenge type competition on Economics, but that's where the good basically stopped.

In mid March, I bumped my car into my grandparent's garage. No damage was done, and they told me not to bother telling anyone about it. However, there was damage to my car that I didn't notice, and when my parent's found it, they were furious. I've lost my driving privillages until the end of this month. Furthermore, my paychecks for April are being confiscated.

In school, I was rejected for National Honors Society on the basis of not having good character, completely disregarding my 4.0 GPA and my activity in Youth 4 Youth and Drama Club and my volunteer work with Second Harvest Food Bank. To have the people who are supposed to be helping me shape my mind tell me that I'm a lousy person with no potential doesn't help anything.

On top of all this, I've been showered with an obnoxious amount of homework, projects, essays, and speeches, all of which converge on a single due date of this Tuesday. My last report card came back with one C+, which made my parent's freak out, and now their breathing down my neck to make sure I do everything and do it perfectly. They criticize my work, my hobbies, the ways I spend my money... I honestly don't know what I have to do to get them to approve.

Upon logging on to the computer tonight, I learn that my Youtube account has been banned. The "last straw" video was my AMV of "Zombie Loan", which had no more than 50 views. All my content was removed, and "ZaberOcrist" is no more. The entire year I spent building that up is gone now.

Happy freaking birthday to me.

Let me just explain... for me, AMVs are like, my art. Many contemporary artists have created "assembly" art, taking common or pre-existing objects or art-work and arranging it in an artistic manner to create a new work of art. For me, that is what AMVs are... assembly art. And with the 40 or so AMVs I had created gone now, it feels like a huge part of me has been ripped away.

(I have created a new account as BanishedZaber and will be re-uploading my AMVs, it's just a question of when.)

So... amongst all this, and other matters too personal to talk about, I hope you can see why I'm so upset and haven't been producing anything for a while. These events have crushed nearly every bit of creative and ambitious spirit I have, and it will be a while until I get it back. With any luck, I may be able to channel some of this negative energy into writing some of my better fan fiction, (The last chapters of Code ANGEL came about in a similar manner.) but with the present time constraints I'm under, that doesn't seem likely.

I know no one probably cares about any of this, but I just needed to put it out there to make myself feel a little better. I've already talked this out with people, but putting it into typed words has a much greater effect for me. Hopefully, the next time I see you all I'll have found a way to recover, but until then I will be MIA. Thank you all.

Sincerely,

- Zaber

I'm so sorry Zaber. Don't worry we won't ban you; I hope everything will work out for you in the end.

april... has been a depressing month for me to... my great uncle died.... he ment alot to me.... i... he.. ..gave me some goldfish when i was younger... he told me they would last forever.... i belived that.... up untill my brother took them out of the bowl and they....... died.... a week later 2 uncles died.... my great uncle who gave me the fish..... then 15 minuets later, i found out my cousin's dad died...........

a week later, i went to spend the night at her house, i came home, and my dad said "i shouldn't have let you go over there, you are failing sicence. you can't go over to your cousin's house for awile." i havent been over there sense.

my cousin was a mess...... she still is....... then after that... to the beggining of may.... my grandma called me fat cow...... at school a teacher told me to get contacts because she was tired of seeing me with a screw driver... then finnaly.... the last thing that made me feel really...... sad....... the one thing that calms me down...... that takes away the pain.... dissapeared the month before everything........... joe..... my brother....... my friend...... his parents smashed his phone.... i havent heard form him sense........... i don't know if he is alive or not... his parents hate him... i hope he is still alive..... where ever he is......................

forgot to add something... edit

and last weekend, something happened.... i was at a cadieing job. i had not slept in 4 days prior to the job and i had eaten some warm food and the person who ran the gig told me i could take a quick nap. so i did. ten minuets later, i began to feel comfortable. i didn't know why... i woke up... there was a senior (as in high school), his hands were well....... lets just say i screamed...... nobody belived me what happened.... not even the cops.......nobody belived me, or what almost happened later that night..... i just thank god that i was able to defend myself the way i did.......

Oh, yes yes. Please invite. Have you seen this by the way? Not many people look in my scraps.

http://zaberblade.deviantart.com/art/Order-of-B-Knights-Headband-98337913