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 Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2005 3:49 am
To those who saw it, it was just a kiss. . .not one of those deep, passionate kisses of a couple in lust. Nor was it on of those "we've been together forever" peck on the lips, I-gotta-go kisses. It was just a soft, tender kiss.
To the couple, it was a gentle , sweet kiss. . .but it was also much, much more. As their lips met, the moist softness and shared warmth of it, sent a tingling sensation through their bodies, which intensified with his right hand entwined in her left.
As the pressure of their lips built up, the world around them seemed to stop. Birds hung in the sky, frozen in mid-flight. The hustle and the bustle of the crowd, dulled to a low hum.
As they looked into each other's eyes, they were able to touch their very souls.
Then, as their lips were fully engaged, a feeling of fullfillment came over them. A feeling of being as one. A feeling of completeness.
As they pulled back away from each other and the pressure of the kiss eased. the world slowly returned to normal. . .the birds resumed their flight and the hustle and bustle became a din.
Their lips separated with a llight smacking sound, but the tingling sensation stayed, until their hands parted.
He said, I won't be gone long," and he turned to catch the train. Leaving her standing there. . with a single tear in her eye, a smile on her face and a feeling of warmth deep in her soul.
To those who saw it, it was just a kiss. . .
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Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2005 6:32 am
Wow! That was amazing. At first, I must be honest, I thought it was going to be sap for the sake of sap, but I absolutely love the fact that he was leaving on a train. It really gave purpose to the entire thing, you know? Well written. The only thing that maybe bothered me a little bit was that I really didn't have an image in my head until the talk about the train. You probably meant to do that, I just love to have something to look at in my head while I read. It was very effective to end with the train thing, though. Yeeeess. I liked it a lot. heart Woohoo!
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Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2005 9:44 am
Thank you. I did that on purpose, about the train, so that the focus would be on the kiss and not why they were kissing (,,,) =~_~= (,,,)
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Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2005 4:00 pm
Woot! Yes, all you really need to do now is fix the few errors and try to replace some of your words with ones that aren't so cliché...
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Posted: Fri Sep 02, 2005 12:36 am
Any suggestions are gladly received, milady.
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Posted: Sat Sep 03, 2005 9:57 pm
Your imagery is very good, I'll say that. Exactly what do you call this peice? I mean, is it a poem, ir short narritive? Just wondering.
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Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 1:29 pm
It could loosely fall into either category.. . but it was written as a short narrative, a musing.
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Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 6:08 pm
ooh ooh, this was soo close to being a negative post, but...
because of the last few lines, it just made this piece very sweet. Nice detail in the kissing and the parting of the kiss, yet what made this very nice for me was the fact other's would really have seen it as a simple kiss when in fact it was so much more meaningful.
I guess I could say if your prose didn't have that line I would have said... 'great, people kissing... so what, put it in a poem!' but I didn't and I'll say again, I like it.
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Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 10:01 pm
What? No tongue action?
There's also nothing about him dieing. That would have so rocked.
Dammit, sorry, it doesn't do it for me.
However, you did a good job on what you did, and that gets a thumbs up from me. pirate
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Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 11:32 pm
Queeny ooh ooh, this was soo close to being a negative post, but...because of the last few lines, it just made this piece very sweet. Nice detail in the kissing and the parting of the kiss, yet what made this very nice for me was the fact other's would really have seen it as a simple kiss when in fact it was so much more meaningful.I guess I could say if your prose didn't have that line I would have said... 'great, people kissing... so what, put it in a poem!' but I didn't and I'll say again, I like it. Your Majesty, coming from thee, this is high praise indeed. I thank thee *yama bows*
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Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 3:37 pm
Wow, that was great. I could just imagine that kiss, like the feeling of warmth in the pit of my stomach. Wow. And bringing it back to reality with the guy leaving on the train, that was great. Parts did seem a little cliche, but sometimes cliche can be good.
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Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 4:36 pm
yama_neko Queeny ooh ooh, this was soo close to being a negative post, but...because of the last few lines, it just made this piece very sweet. Nice detail in the kissing and the parting of the kiss, yet what made this very nice for me was the fact other's would really have seen it as a simple kiss when in fact it was so much more meaningful.I guess I could say if your prose didn't have that line I would have said... 'great, people kissing... so what, put it in a poem!' but I didn't and I'll say again, I like it. Your Majesty, coming from thee, this is high praise indeed. I thank thee *yama bows* *blushes redface I just love your humility. T'is pleasing to my ear. 4laugh
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Posted: Sun Sep 18, 2005 6:57 am
I dug it, very reminiscent of my own style. A few basic spelling and grammar errors. (i.e. There/Their)
one thumb up. and half a pinky toe.
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Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 3:25 pm
Wow, for a moment I thought this was going to be one of those romance novel scenes... but I was happily surprised. I like how you focused on the emotions of the kiss and not just the fact that they were kissing. I also like the end- that's what really ties the piece together and gives it it's full meaning, at least in my opinion. Good job!
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