Welcome to Gaia! ::

Ahem, yeah.

On the planet Cydonia, in times of trouble and despair, there is only one name to call. That name is…MATTMAN!

*theme music/opening credits*

One stormy evening in Cydonia, Mattman and his apprentices, Pants Boy (Mattman’s excitable young follower who wears brightly coloured trousers) and Captain Bass (who doesn’t speak, and is mostly there for effect), are wandering the streets of the capital, Cydonia. Everything seems in order. But, something could go wrong at any time. Planetary law enforcers can never relax.

“Gee willickers, Mattman!” Pants Boy exclaims.
“Now, Pants Boy, what did I tell you about making random pointless exclamations in outdated phrases?”
“Sorry, Mattman! But don’t you think it’s slightly eerie tonight?”
“Why yes, Pants Boy, I noticed. It’s dramatic tension.”
“Dramatic tension? Why?”
“You’ll find out later on in the episode.”
“Okay, Mattman!” The three of them continue on.

*ad break*

Suddenly, our three heroes hear the strains of what sounds like the theme music, being played terribly.
“Gosh, Mattman, what do you think that is?” Pants Boy asks.
“I’ve no idea, Pants Boy, but it’s bound to be something dastardly and wicked.” Mattman replies, with a serious look in his eyes.
“Gee willickers!” Pants Boy exclaims. “What do we do?” Captain Bass shrugs, making it the first time in the episode he’s made any obvious movement.
“We investigate, that’s what we do. But because it sounds evil, we’d better get prepared. To the Mattmobile!”
“Why the Mattmobile, Mattman?” Pants Boy inquires.
“Because I left my outfit in there, that’s why.”

*graphics to indicate the passing of time*

“Alright, team, we’re back in position, and now we can investigate.” Mattman is now wearing a red suit with a matching red mask, and Pants Boy is now wearing rainbow coloured pants. Captain Bass looks exactly the same as he did a minute ago, except he’s now wearing a black mask.
“Holy Cydonia, Mattman, are you sure it’s safe?” Pants Boy asked.
“I’m never sure, Pants Boy. But I’m MATTMAN!”

The three of them continue towards the source of the horrible playing of the theme music. They trace it to an abandoned shed, just big enough to hold a band. They open the door slowly, to find the source of the horrible playing in a dramatic manner.

*ad break*

“Holy Cydonia! Mattman, it’s your arch nemeses, the COVERBAND!” Mattman and Pants Boy gasp in unison. Captain Bass does nothing. They look carefully at the coverband. They are a bunch of crazy, weird looking people. A girl stands out the front making horrible wailing noises, while next to her on one side a boy grapples with guitar chords, and on the other side, a girl holds a bass but refuses to play it. Behind them, a girl is asleep behind a piano, and closer to the three protagonists, another girl stands out the front holding a triangle and telling the rest of the band off, while in the corner, a fifth girl quietly sits drawing, her face hidden from view.

The coverband look up at the intruders. Collectively, they gasp.
“Maaaaaaatt-maaaaan! Maaaaaaatt-maaaaaaan!”
“Pants!” Pants Boy exclaims. “They’re fan-zombies!”
“Dear God!” Matt mutters.
“What are we going to do, Mattman?”
“What we always do, Pants Boy. Defeat this enemy before all of Cydonia has to hear them.” Clearing his throat, he looks straight at the coverband.
“Coverband! Stop this evil scheme of yours, now!” His command does nothing. The coverband simply shrug and start to advance towards them.

*ad break*

The coverband are advancing towards Mattman, Pants Boy and Captain Bass.
“Mattman! Use your guitar!”
“Good idea, Pants Boy.” Mattman pulls out his guitar and starts to play. The guitarist in the coverband simply gains more strength.
“Ohnoez, Mattman! It’s just increasing the fanboy level! It’s over NINE THOUSAAAAAND!”
“Dear God! Pants Boy, do something!” Pants Boy nods.
“ACTIVATE SUPERULTRAHYPERMEGA TROUSER POWER!” he yells, his pants beginning to shine. Suddenly, his pants are a bright, blinding yellow. The coverband guitarist recoils. Mattman and Captain Bass recoil. But the fangirls simply gain strength. The wailing lead singer grabs on to Pants Boy’s ankle.
“You idiot, Pants Boy! You just made the fangirls stronger!” Pants Boy mutters an expletive as he attempts to shake the wailing singer off his leg.
“We’re doomed unless I can find something to save us…” Mattman mutters. He throws his guitar towards the coverband. Unfortunately, it hits Pants Boy on the head and knocks him unconscious. Captain Bass steps forward.
“It’s up to me, now,” he states clearly. The coverband look at him, confused.

*ad break*

“Stop doing what you’re doing, coverband!” he yells. The coverband collapse, in shock.
“Captain Bass, you saved the day!” Mattman exclaims. Captain Bass shrugs, back to silence. Pants Boy manages to get up, releasing his leg from the grasp of the crazy fangirl. He glares at her with distaste, as the coverband disappear.
“Gee willickers, Mattman, do you think we’ve seen the last of them?”
“I’m not so sure, Pants Boy. We may well see them again. But for now, let’s get back to the Mattcave.”

So once again, the day is saved, thanks to Mattman, Pants Boy and Captain Bass! Cydonians can sleep easy tonight. Tune in next week, for another exciting instalment of MATTMAN!

*theme music/end credits*

Dedicated to Originally Symmetrical, of course.

That was the best fan fiction I have ever seen... in my whole life.

That was pretty amusing (or, rather, a-muse-ing. Ha ha). Though Cydonia is actually on Mars.
I might have to do a fanfic of your fanfic sometime. It will be poorly written, have no plot to speak of, and read like a forty-page squeeing session. Like most fanfics.
And it will have a title like "Shadows of Cydonia", or "Captain Bass Tales".