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 Posted: Sun Jun 01, 2008 11:11 am
So I do have a problem. And I don't know how I can keep it up after the 'playing stupid' option disappears. Let me elaborate. This is about the only place I can post it, well that and Life Issues. I can't post it on my lj because I don't want her to see it.
There's this girl who's got a crush on me. I know it's me, even though she won't say so. And here's why.
The first tip off was her posting in her lj about a woman she'd met and fallen for. She talked about when they first met (the exact time she met me). I got this bad feeling, but replied and gave her advice to go hang out with the woman and get to know her better, etc. (she always said woman, never girl).
Second tipoff- She replied to that and said that she'd met this woman online and that they hadn't talked very much. In the same entry she replied to another person asking who it was by saying that she couldn't tell, but that the person was on her lj friends list.
Third tipoff- She got my phone number from my facebook page (we've been friends on there for a bit) and every time is nervous to call me. We talked once. Another time she called my cell and I couldn't answer, so she left a voicemail. And that voicemail showed her nervousness and concern at my well-being. Not really enough on its own, but with the other stuff, you have to wonder.
Fourth tipoff- She wanted to send me something in the mail so I gave her my address. She's gone and gotten me something at the amusement park when she was on her senior trip. She would not say it was me or what it was, but that she had to send it to that person.
Fifth tipoff- The last entry I posted here from lj she replied to and was basically testing the waters, asking if...well let me copy and paste that part: "I do understand about "being strict" when it comes to relationships, after what you've been through. You're right; you need to protect what's most important to you, and for now, it's the healing of your heart. But if someone you met online proved to you that they were willing, able, and would do anything and then some to make a relationship work, would you consider it then?"
Right now it's easy for me to play the stupid card because she won't reveal who it is at all. What do I do when she does reveal it's me? I don't want a relationship, especially not an online one and that's been made clear in my lj. She's also too young for me, as she's just graduating high school this year. But I dunno what I'll say when she actually tells me. What do I do?
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Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 10:12 pm
It definitely sounds like she's talking about you.
No matter what you do, it'll be difficult for the both of you. It's more important for you to keep strong on what you think is best for you and she needs to understand that. Don't be afraid to assert yourself.
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Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 9:28 pm
KatieRedHead It definitely sounds like she's talking about you.
No matter what you do, it'll be difficult for the both of you. It's more important for you to keep strong on what you think is best for you and she needs to understand that. Don't be afraid to assert yourself. Yes, I know. I'm trying to pretend it's not me. And every so often when I decide to post on my lj about my reflections and ramblings of relationships and ex's, I'll sometimes slip in a few things to get my point across subtly. She's not been around for a few days. Whenever she tells me, I want to be able to state what I truly feel. It's just really hard in my head sometimes 'cause I hate to disappoint. P.S. I thought I recognized you. I saw your green font and the sig, and then the avi. Checked the account I knew you under and I was right smile Totally off topic, but just thought I'd mention it.
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Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 3:29 am
Hmmm, quite the conundrum...
Well, you have two basic choices. Play stupid until she actually reveals herself, then make a clean break, or call her on it and get it out in the open now, then still make a clean break...
Either way, it's going to hurt, there is no way around it. Just remember though, if she's wrong for you it will hurt a lot worse to try and have a relationship that isn't going to work than to make the clean break.
I suppose the only other option is to reasses your feelings and see if there isn't room for her after all. And you might want to think about that, for all your saying you don't want her you still gave her a phone number and an address. That's a mixed message, big time. And that raises the question, is there any chance you have mixed feelings about this yourself?
It's worth thinking about, if only to make the answer crystal clear in your heart as well as your mind.
I hope it all works out for you.
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Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 7:08 pm
Saapento No Naga Hmmm, quite the conundrum... Well, you have two basic choices. Play stupid until she actually reveals herself, then make a clean break, or call her on it and get it out in the open now, then still make a clean break... Either way, it's going to hurt, there is no way around it. Just remember though, if she's wrong for you it will hurt a lot worse to try and have a relationship that isn't going to work than to make the clean break. I suppose the only other option is to reasses your feelings and see if there isn't room for her after all. And you might want to think about that, for all your saying you don't want her you still gave her a phone number and an address. That's a mixed message, big time. And that raises the question, is there any chance you have mixed feelings about this yourself? It's worth thinking about, if only to make the answer crystal clear in your heart as well as your mind. I hope it all works out for you. She hasn't came out and said it, though it's becoming more obvious. I just keep playing along. It's not that she's really wrong, in a sense. There are just factors that prevent it. She's too young. It'd be online. Both of which i don't want. There's also the fact that lately I need friends more than I need anything else and I've been struggling to trust anyone. I only gave her my phone number cause she wanted to call me and talk sometimes, plus at the time I was asking for text buddies on my lj. The address was cause she'd gotten me something she'd wanted to send me, which she hasn't yet. I don't think either of those would send a message to her that I liked her because I'm not hte one to utilize them; she is.
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Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 6:46 am
Sorry, I've been away for a bit...
I don't know, maybe try and look at it from the other direction, if you wanted to have a special relationship with someone and they let you have their number and even their address so you could send them a gift, how would you take it? I doubt you'd take it as an invitation to be lovers, but you might see it as encouragement to try and develop a friendship, which might lead to more. Especially if you are young and doesn't quite understand yet how relationships work.
If you can't confront her for whatever reason, then is going silent an option? Just ignoring her? With no feedback, eventually she's going to stop.
I just mean this as something to think about.
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Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 6:36 pm
Saapento No Naga Sorry, I've been away for a bit... I don't know, maybe try and look at it from the other direction, if you wanted to have a special relationship with someone and they let you have their number and even their address so you could send them a gift, how would you take it? I doubt you'd take it as an invitation to be lovers, but you might see it as encouragement to try and develop a friendship, which might lead to more. Especially if you are young and doesn't quite understand yet how relationships work. If you can't confront her for whatever reason, then is going silent an option? Just ignoring her? With no feedback, eventually she's going to stop. I just mean this as something to think about. You see, she's never pushed the issue and has never forced it down my throat. I've lost too many friends in the past and I really need a good friend now, which she is. She actually came out and told me the one night that it was me and was surprised that I knew about it already, but that didn't phase her because she knew I was smart. She did show me the gift she wanted to send though. It's an abstract painting, and she has a bracelet too that she's gotten for me. I'm not good with phone conversations and such, but we talked last night again and it wasn't so bad. I know that right now I'm pretty much blocking anything that would cause a relationship, and it's not just with her. It's with everyone. It's my way of protecting myself. I know she likes me and it's not like she's some crazy obsessed girl who's trying to get me to change my mind. She knows I know, and that's okay. I do know she does want to show me I deserve a relationship, whether it's with her or not, and I know that deep down she hopes it's with her. However, she also knows the ball is in my court. This isn't something she'd do lightly--her ex scarred her and she's finally ready to move on over a year later. I keep saying she's too young, but she's turning 19 this month and I'm 21. I guess it's because I'm getting ready to finish college (a semester early) and she's just starting. I also know what changes I went through in college so that also plays a part. I don't know. She's a nice girl, she really is. I just am really lost with any of this. What can you tell me now?
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Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:22 am
Ah, again with the delays in getting back, I really am sorry.
Okay, well, what you are telling me now is a bit different than what you said at first. It now sounds like you do want a relationship with this girl, but you aren't sure on what level, yet. I don't know anything about the pain either of you have gone through to get so scared to make new relationships, but it sounds like you both have healing work to do.
So, what I have to tell you now, is this, you need to do the work first. If you don't heal, you will end up dumping the pain, etc. on the new relationship, and guarentee its failure, alas, which will almost certainly make the pain worse, not better. I suggest you just be friends for now, and that you tell her that is what you want, and let her know it's because you need to heal first.
As for the healing work, I know nothing of your pain, I can't make any specific suggestions except maybe do they have free counciling at the college you attend? If you can't do this by yourself it's okay to reach out for help.
However, I'd be real careful of doctors pushing anti depressants, I've seen enough s**t with those things as a nurse to know that I'd personally rather take my chances with depression, and to know that a lot of people who get put on them don't really seem to be depressed, it's like the quack didn't know what else to do. But that's a decision you will have to make yourself if they try to get you on those drugs. Just be sure you are informed. There is a long history of success with just talking things out with a trained councilor, I'd try that first. Be aware it may take time, of course, and don't give up if it seems to go nowhere at first, it, and you, are worth it in the end.
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Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 6:38 pm
Saapento No Naga Ah, again with the delays in getting back, I really am sorry. Okay, well, what you are telling me now is a bit different than what you said at first. It now sounds like you do want a relationship with this girl, but you aren't sure on what level, yet. I don't know anything about the pain either of you have gone through to get so scared to make new relationships, but it sounds like you both have healing work to do. So, what I have to tell you now, is this, you need to do the work first. If you don't heal, you will end up dumping the pain, etc. on the new relationship, and guarentee its failure, alas, which will almost certainly make the pain worse, not better. I suggest you just be friends for now, and that you tell her that is what you want, and let her know it's because you need to heal first. As for the healing work, I know nothing of your pain, I can't make any specific suggestions except maybe do they have free counciling at the college you attend? If you can't do this by yourself it's okay to reach out for help. However, I'd be real careful of doctors pushing anti depressants, I've seen enough s**t with those things as a nurse to know that I'd personally rather take my chances with depression, and to know that a lot of people who get put on them don't really seem to be depressed, it's like the quack didn't know what else to do. But that's a decision you will have to make yourself if they try to get you on those drugs. Just be sure you are informed. There is a long history of success with just talking things out with a trained councilor, I'd try that first. Be aware it may take time, of course, and don't give up if it seems to go nowhere at first, it, and you, are worth it in the end. Delays are okay. Everyone's got a life outside of the 'net, lol. I don't know what sort of relationship I want with the girl, whether purely friendship or not. I haven't figured that out yet. I can say that she is ready for another relationship. She's mentioned that in her journal and in the times that she's discussed some of the things she's been going through. She also knows about what I've been through from what she's seen in my journal. And she knows I don't want a relationship, and doesn't push it, but she has said before that she's patient. So I've no idea what she's got in mind, but it doesn't involve forcing me. I know I need to heal. It will be 4 months this month and I'm still working through things, though I know I've gotten better. I wouldn't get in a relationship unless I was completely ready to because there is no way I'd want my pain to be forced onto another girl; it wouldn't be fair to her at all. What I have been doing is writing in my journal about various aspects of my feelings and thoughts relating to this. I tend to like to analyze things throughout the day at work and then write them down in my journal. That's about the only thing I've got. I've got no friends I'd trust with this, and the girl I'm referring to is one of the ones I would discuss my problems with, along with another online friend. My college does offer free counseling, which is nice, but there's a problem with that. You see, back when all this first happened I wanted to go to counseling and when I tried they told me they didn't have any counselors and were in the process of interviewing for a new one. The woman didn't even seem to care about why I'd asked; I could have been on the verge of suicide and she never thought to ask why I needed counseling. Instead I had to go to a doctor to get a recommendation for counseling, only to find out the nearest place was 45 minutes away, time and money I could not afford at that point. So I didn't. I know that it'd be beneficial for me to talk to someone, but I tried to in the past and when I brought up trust issues, all they could think of to ask was if I was abused as a child. Even if they do have counselors for the upcoming semester, I wouldn't be able to set up an appointment. The counselors come on an appt. basis in the evening, but during the day when the health center will be open (which is when you make the appointment) I'll be at the elementary school student teaching. Thank you for the warning about the anti-depressants. I actually refuse to go back on those. I was put on Lexapro when I was having trouble adjusting to college. I eventually weaned myself off of it slowly because the way the doctor had me do it was too quick and didn't work. It worked for the time I had it, but now I know I don't need them in that way.
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Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 6:27 pm
Well, I thought I'd give an update on this.
Things I think worked themselves out. She found out how I felt; we had been growing closer as friends. However, I started re-evaluating how I felt and wondered what the hell was going on when she couldn't keep a lid on how she felt. This girl fell hard for me. She would say so and then Saturday night she said "I love you" after our phone conversations. I pulled away. That I could not take (and no I wasn't goading her into saying it either). She's very angry with me for doing so and says I sent mixed signals, which is probably true. However, it's not like we were destined to get into a relationship or anything. She knew some of my past dealing with the ex. I enjoyed her friendship, but apparently I don't think that's gonna last. It's really a pity...I really enjoyed talking with her.
What I can say is that even though I had a crush on her, I realized it wasn't a large one. It wasn't a strong feeling and I wasn't feeling it. I refuse to throw myself into something just because I don't want to hurt her.
In short, there you go.
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Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 4:03 pm
Well, here's hoping things worked out for the best. Of course, the best isn't always pain free. As for mixed signals that's easy to do, and it's also easy for her to have read into things what you didn't put there, mixing things up is a two way street.
I guess all you can do is apologise for mixing up your signals, and reaffirm that you aren't ready for a relationship with anyone yet. Then let go and get on with your healing. This is one of those "If you love something, or in this case, someone, set them free..." moments for her, and if she can do it and remain your friend who knows what the future hold? And if she can't or won't, it tells you something about her darker side that is needful to know too. Hopefully she won't have one though.
As for the councilor, too bad the time doesn't work out, but can you maybe phone the nurses office between classes? If nothing else, we are still here, and you can certainly vent or chat anytime you want, if you can stand the delays... ^_^
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