My dad passed away on Thursday afternoon.
Warning, I am going to cuss, due to the fact that these are my feelings. I wish you can respect that. And please, don't tell me that I shouldn't hate the people that I say I hate. I have a right to say I hate them. Again, respect that. I am just like you, just younger, but hell, don't I get the right to talk just like you guys?
When we didn't see my dad to come pick us up on Thursday afternoon, I just thought that he was a little late. Ten minutes pass and I begin to worry. I call home, and no response. My friends and I wait another ten minutes while trying to get my mom's work number. I call her, she tells me to wait five more minutes, and then call again. Still nothing. I call her, and she says she's on her way to pick us up. I'm frightened. I think he's knocked himself out again, or maybe something worse. My friends try and take my mind off of it and say he's probably okay, just goofing off maybe, or on his way. I want to cry, I'm so scared.
I think back to earlier in the day and when mom dropped us off, I had sworn a little at a comment she made, and when she left, I thought about how that may be the last thing I said to her; I felt horrible. I then thought about what I last said to dad: I told him goodbye and that I loved him, gave him a kiss, and was on my way. I come back to reality, and half an hour later mom comes to pick us up, and my friends and I are having a good time, but the back of my mind is worrying about daddy. We drop them off, and I ask mom if she thinks dad's alright, and she says he's most likely fine. She doesn't see the tears stained down my cheeks.
We come home and I'm clutching the towel I had tight as we go up the steps. Mom swings open the door, and then we see him. He's slumped up against the kitchen counter, not moving, his air machine not puffing like it does when he has to breathe, the tv is still on. Mom says she has to go to the bathroom, she quickly comes back and checks his pulse. I'm crying as she pulls away in horror, and rushes to the phone. I know what has happened, but I assume that his heartbeat is just faint, that's all. They'll save him, won't they? I'm on my knees on the porch, bawling my eyes out now, crying to the heavens that this can't be his time. I curse the sirens I hear, not sure if they're for us or some other problem. Minutes roll by like hours as I cry that he can't die, he's too young and we had so much to do and he was my daddy.
I scream for the sirens to come faster, and eventually they do. I open the door for them as they slowly make they're way to my father. Three of them bumble up the stairs, only giving me small glimpses, smiling faintly. I want to ******** kill them, you know that? Smiling at me, who is in hysterics like everything's alright. Like they think it's a damn joke. It reminds me of those doctors at the hospital when daddy had his near death experience. There were two women doctors we met as he lay in the other room. They shook my mother's hand, but I refused to touch the scum. They were smiling as they told us he was sick. They were smiling as they told us he could die. They were smiling, and I wanted to strike them right then and there, maybe rip off their smiling faces.
I look across the street to see my friend Holly staring back at me, and I'm still crying, looking back at her every so often. I hear the people talking to my mom, who seems so strong right now. I wish I had her strength. I try and move the cat out of the people's paths, he scratches me, but I can feel the pain I should, but I see the blood. Holly was now at the walkway of my house, and so I went over to her, still crying. I could see she was welling up with tears now. She embraced me and I continue to cry.
Awhile later a medic came out and told me flatly, 'I don't know if you know yet, but he's passed on.' I scream and continue to break down, crying louder now. Holly's holding me as best she can. The ambulance people are starting to leave. Some old lady from down the road, who I never knew existed, came over behind me, and I heard her talk. She was looking me in the eyes and telling me to be strong, and that he's in a better place, and she kept asking me questions. I hate her. I hate her with all my heart. I had just found out my father had died, and not a minute later this t**t comes over to me and tells me that this is for the best. She's telling me that I have to be strong, that I have to stop crying.
Pardon my french, but how ******** cruel can you be? I know you'd think she was trying to help, but please believe me when I say that in all honesty, she just made it hurt more.
I hate her. I loathe her. I just wanted her to go away. I could see Holly wanted that too, and she knew that this broad wasn't helping and that she was cruel. Our other neighbor, I never knew existed yet again, drove by in her car and went 'Oh what happened here? Is everything okay?' and then sees me crying. 'Oh dear...' Then she leaves. Excuse me you goddamn nosy neighbors, but do me a favor and go die. I don't like you. I will hate you forever. But our neighbor, Beau, saw me crying and asked if my dad was okay. I told him he was dead. 'Oh God... Oh God no... That's horrible.." and he went back inside. Beau and my daddy were friends, and he would come over sometimes to check up on dad. I wasn't mad at Beau, he was a kind man, and I knew that he was in total shock. I was glad he didn't act like those old ladies.
She finally left and I hug Holly goodbye as she goes home. I walk up the steps, my legs shaking and my nerves screwed up. I see the police have come, and are taking pictures. We get to go inside, and I listen in to the police man talking to my mom. All I could stare at though, was my dad's feet. I would occasionally go into the bathroom, and come back out... Eventually they went outside, and our neighbor Kim came over, hugging my mom and crying as well. She hugged me and told me that whatever we needed, to feel free to come over to her house. She also mentioned that her dad died too, just awhile ago, so she knew what I was feeling.
Mom and I waited for the coroner to come, and she was so strong while I was blubbering like a baby. I wanted to be strong after that old lady told me that I had to be. I told mom what happened, and she was peeved at the lady and told me it was okay to cry. Mom lets me use the cellphone after she calls Becky, and I call my best friend Ann. I tell her what happens, we call my friend, and 'big sister', Meko, and I tell her what happens. Awhile later we can call my boyfriend, and for a few hours we talk and I feel happier, my humor kicking in. It seems I'm fine.
We waited for the coroner's assistant to come and say the coroner couldn't come yet. Awhile later they move the body, and it makes me choke in tears again. It starts to smell like a dead body in our house, and I whisper my goodbye to my daddy before going into my room later. I'm still on the phone, and I burst down crying. This is the first time, well, maybe, that they heard me cry. I cried for half an hour, and for the first time I hear my boyfriend and Meko cry for the first time.
Basically I feel better, take a shower, and talk to Ann and Meko for a little while longer until I have to sleep.
I miss my daddy. I miss him so much. He's never going to see me graduate High School, I never get to argue with him, I never get to spend my summers with him, or ride home with him... I never get to do all the things we did. I miss the noise of his air machine at night... It was always like he was my angel, looking out for me, ready to defend me from the bad guys. I miss walking out in the kitchen to see him sleeping in his chair, or watching tv, or listening to music. I miss our small little conversations when I get food, and I found myself doing the playful banter we would do, but in my head. I just went out to give the cat some food, and talked to an empty chair, pretending he was still there.
I miss my daddy... I miss him with all my heart.
