The first thing I noticed in both your poems is that you don't capitalize and barely punctuate. I understand that this is an artistic choice, but I don't think it goes well with either poem. As a rule in most of my creative writing workshops, when people half punctuate and half don't, people tend to say that either you should get ride of all of the punctuation or continue the job and put it all in. I have to admit that I agree for this reason: The first time I see punctuation, my brain starts relying on punctuation to tell me how the sentences are set up, and there are points where there is no punctuation to be seen when their should be and my brain doesn't like it. It usually makes me reread a section to understand what is going on, and then I've lost where I was in the poem's narrative.
For
stranger, towards the end of the poem there are a couple lines that rhyme (lines 11 & 12 and lines 13 & 15). Any rhymes are disctracting even if the are only slant rhymes. Once they know there is a rhyme readers tend to read to the rhyme. I'm not sure if I understand the poem. I get that the poem is suppose to be about a person scorned by a lover and the lover just lied and the person thinks that they don't understand the lover any more, but there is so much other stuff in the poem that I don't under how it fits in. Like
Dreamy lulu belle
my love for you is a serious danger
but who are you really?
I don't understand the purpose of the line "but who are you really?" You already give us that information in the following line "you're nothing but a stranger" and I think that the poem would be stronger without it. I also think that this poem would make a nice sonnet. Not neccessary a rhymed sonnet, just a poem of twelve lines would be fine, but I think that the subject matter is good for a sonnet. All you would have to do is trime out some lines, and you would be fine.
For
when you walked away, I really like the refrain. Most refrains have the danger of becoming predictable and lullabying, but I didn't feel that for this one. It reeterated for me what I needed to know to put each stanza in context. I like that each cuplet is rhymed; I think that it adds more emotion to the poem. There are a couple of lines that don't really ryhme as well as the other lines, heart & apart, you & too. I really like the last cuplet, but I keep reading it as "but you walked away, you walked away". I also liked the cuplet
Dreamy lulu belle
when you walked away, i wanted to hear you say
That you'd be back for me, that you'd find a way
For some reason, that line really touched me.
Your poems are good. They show that thought, effort, and emotion went into them which is neccessary for good poetry. Good job.
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