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 Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 5:09 pm
April 11th, 2007
Dear Diary,
What can you say to someone when they're really starting to piss you off? Especially when it's someone you love very, very, much? Well that's how it's been with Riley and me lately. He keeps nagging me and nagging me about my future. Like I don't get enough of that with my parents and my brothers, I really don't need to hear it from him. So he got into MIT, big deal. So he knows exactly what he wants to do with his life, good for him. Right now I'm just focusing on finishing junior year. And my friends. And being Captain - cheerleading captain that is. I don't need to even think about college for another like 6 months. Why start worrying about it now?
Anyway, my best friends know not to bug me about it. I love them so much. They know me all too well, especially Elise and Jamie. My little Elise is growing into a wonderful woman! If only she could see that. Sometimes I think I need to pull the book or DS (well maybe not the DS) out of her hands and make her just LOOK around. I worry about her. I'm wondering if she's living a little too much in Videoland. Maybe it's just me - lately I seem to be spending a little too much time there myself. Well there and with Ryan. I don't know what it is about him, but he seems to make me smile a lot. Granted he can be a jerk to my friends at times, but when it's just him and me it's like I'm the only person in the world to him. It's not like I'm spending every second of every day with him, but occasionally he meets me after school and walks me home or meets me at the lake just to talk while RIley's studying for finals. Actually now that I think of it, he probably should be studying for finals too. I should tell him that next time I see him.
That's it for now, I'll write again soon - when I have a bit more time anyway.
Kenz
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Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 5:31 pm
April 14th, 2007
Dear Diary,
MY GOD I CAN NOT BELIEVE HIM!!!
I thought that since he was going away for a week to a freakin college - the same college that he's leaving me for in August - that his last day home we could spend a little quality time together. But no, since he has to pack and spend some time with his dad, he has no time at all for me. Now I know I'm being selfish here, but he doesn't understand where I'm coming from! He's leaving me, not just for the week, but in a way for good. He's leaving for a big city with lots of interesting people, doing interesting things and leaving this small town girl behind. Doesn't he realize that? This could very well be the end of us. He'll find someone else, more intelligent, funny and pretty and I'll be left in the dust.
Of course he tells me I'm crazy, that he loves me and that he'll always love me. Now, two years ago, I'd have fallen for that hook, line and sinker. Today, this Mac sees it as a major cop out. He just isn't thinking about me anymore. He's preoccupied with his future and career and those things are wonderful things. But in the end, he's forgetting about me. The worst part is he doesn't realize how mad at him I really am. He thinks I'm overreacting and maybe I am. But right now I'm feeling lower then low. I wish I could call Elise, but it's about midnight. She's probably asleep or deep in a book. Maybe Jamie's up. I think I'll try him.
Ok, Jamie says I'm nuts, to relax and count to ten. And if that doesn't work, jump on him. That's what he'd do. Right now the last thing I want to do is jump on Riley. Maybe I'll just play Fire Emblem instead. I think that's what I'll do.
Kenz
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Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 6:07 pm
April 15th, 2007
Dear Diary,
Well Riley and I had a huge fight just before he left. He says I don't have my 'beautiful head on straight'. He thinks I should be planning my future. I'm not even sure I even want to go to college, let alone thinking about my future. I'm 17 years old, I still have lots of time. I'm just so disgusted right now.
But you know what diary, I don't want to think about it right now. After the stress of this morning, plus cheerleading practice, all I want to do is relax, that's all. So I'm about to head over to Elise's for some R&R and video games. And I'm spending most of the week there, since mom and dad are stuck at Trance all week on some new project. At least Elise will keep me sane. Screw Riley, screw my parents, and right now, screw my future. This Spring break is about having fun, and that's what I'm going to do. Right NOW!
Kenz
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Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 6:17 pm
April 17th, 2007
Dear Diary,
Ryan just called me. He wants to meet me at the lake to talk. He can tell I'm upset about something. Sometimes that boy can read me like a book. It's like those gorgeous blue eyes of his can see into my very soul. He looks at me like Riley used too. And I gotta tell you diary, he's been in my thoughts a lot more lately. And not exactly the decent kind. Elise knows all about it and she thinks I'm losing it. Maybe I am, but I''m going to meet him at the lake at 10pm. Elise really doesn't want me to go, but I'm a big girl and I know what I'm doing. I'm not stupid and I'm not going to get myself into trouble. I think I'm craving some male attention, and who better to give it to me then a hot football player. Who knows, maybe a little competition will make Riley open his eyes a bit wider about me. I'll write more later, after tonight.
Kenz
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Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 6:47 pm
April 18th, 2007 - 2:37 am
Dear Diary,
Dear God, what have I done?
It started so innocently. I left Elise's at 9:30 to make sure I got there on time. He was already there when I got there. A blanket in one hand, a bottle of wine in the other, and a smile like sunshine on his face. He motioned me towards the secluded, hidden area of the lake, and surprisingly no one else was there. We were alone. He started a fire and spread the blanket out. We sat down and he opened the bottle. He apologized for the lack of glasses, but he snuck the bottle out of his parents liquor cabinet and glasses would have been a little much. I told him it was fine, as long as he didn't have cooties. So we drank from the bottle. We talked about my issues with Riley, about my insecurities and my doubts. He really listened to me. He was so charming. He told me that Riley was being an insensitive jerk, that if he really loved me he wouldn't be putting so much pressure on me. He told me if I were his girlfriend he would never do anything like that. He said he would give me the space I needed.
By this point we were laying on the blanket staring at the stars, and I don't know if it was the wine talking, but at that moment I think I was totally in love with him. I don't know what possessed me to do what I did next. I kissed him. I kissed him hard and long and wet. And it felt so good, so right for the moment. I take full responsibility for what happened next. I let him take off my clothes. I let him touch me. I let him make love to me.
My god it hurt. I never thought losing my virginity would hurt as much as it did. I fully gave myself to him, and afterwards I couldn't even speak. I even cried a little, and I think it scared him. I got dressed as quickly as I could and fled. I told him I'd call him tomorrow. He asked if I was ok. I told him I was, but I'm not sure if I am. I cheated on Riley. I did something unforgivable. And the worst part is I'm not sure I'm sorry I did it.
I'm writing this in Elise's bathroom, after a long shower. I can't tell her what happened. I can't tell anyone what happened. I need to figure out my feelings first. Right now all I want is a bed. I'm sore and confused, but mostly I feel slightly relieved. I'll write more later.
Kenz
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Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 7:06 pm
April 21, 2007
Dear Diary,
I am a complete and total idiot. Complete and total. You would think that after the first mistake, I would've learned. But no, not Makenzie Abigail Buffington. That mistake I made turned into three or four mistakes. I had sex with Ryan almost every night after that. I can tell you after the first time it hurt a lot less and felt really good. Tonight I told him though I've had a lot of fun with him this past week, it can never happen again. I've come to realize that I maybe in love with both of them, but Riley is the one I want to be with. He's the one who knows the real me, and that maybe his pushing me is a way of him trying to push me to be a better person. I can tell you, Ryan did not take this news well, and I didn't expect him too. He told me he loved me. I told him I loved him too. He asked what the problem was then, if we loved each other then that's all that mattered. But there's a lot more too it. I still love Riley, and after all this I wanted to be with him.
Then I begged him to keep this a secret. He literally laughed at me. He couldn't believe what I was saying. He asked if he was just a booty call. I started to cry and told him no. He just shook his head at me. I could see on his face just how much I hurt him. God I'm such a b***h! No, worse then a b***h. I am scum, complete and total scum. Ryan squared his shoulders and told me not to worry, he wouldn't tell Riley or anyone else about what we did. "Like they'd even believe me anyway" he said. Then he walked away from me. He wouldn't even look at me. And I felt the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. I was a mess when I got home. School starts tomorrow, Riley comes home on Tuesday. What am I going to do? What the hell am I going to do?
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