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 Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 8:57 am
Yeh, I'm totally not getting married... but my friend is. She's 18 and she just got engaged to her boyfriend of 4 months. She's in college, he's working as a chef in her college town and neither of them are can fully support each other financially or emotionally.
I don't know how to feel about this. One side of me is happy that she's happy and moving on in her life. The other side of me is worried for her. She's not the kind of person who deals well when things don't go her way, so I'm worried that though they're planning on waiting a year or two before getting married, their engagement will put too much stress on their relationship and she'll pull away from something potentially good for her just because she can't handle the stress. It's happened before, but on much smaller scales... and I just don't think she's ready to even think about that kind of commitment.
I am a hopeless romantic for the most part, but I know I definately wouldn't get engaged right after highschool. I want my college experience to be completely open to whatever it throws at me. My boyfriend and I have both agreed that sometimes, things don't last. We both understand that though we want to be together forever, college will change and mold who we are and we might move apart. But then again, how will we know when the time is right? People grow and change with every lifetime experience, not just college. Maybe it's my friend who is right to get engaged this early on and spend her life with someone she's only recently met, growing and changing with him for the rest of their lives.
I have another friend who is bisexual and her girlfriend for the past year proposed after 4 months of them being together. My friend at the time didn't know if she ever wanted to marry a girl so she turned her girlfriend down. However, she has grown more accustomed to being with her girlfriend and would like to settle down with her... but she feels like she missed the opportunity long ago when the proposal was first made.
Is this what my heterosexual friend would go through in the future had she not accepted the proposal made by her boyfriend? Is this what I will go through because my boyfriend and I have been together for more than a year and a half without proposals....
Wow, this post is long. I'm going to cut it off there.
Please discuss:
- What you believe is a good foundation to develope before becoming engaged.
- Whether or not you should seize opportunity when it presents itself (such as proposal for engagement) or wait until you are sure it's right for you.
- Your personal thoughts and opinions on engagement, relationships, and choosing when to settle down.
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Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 3:50 pm
Your friend needs to wait. I know four months in, everything is lovey dovey but there comes a point where responsibility and reality kicks in and you need to think about how you are going to be supportive. My friend "got engaged" a few months ago and I went through all of this. I knew it wasn't going to last though but I sat through it all as we planned her supposed wedding.
Needless to say, they are broken up.
Sometimes, you just have to sit there and listen until your friend figures it out on their own. And if you fear they won't, give them a nudge in the right direction.
As for being in a relationship and when to engage? Sure you can get engaged but you also need time to just be yourself and know that you need to get things out of the way before you settle down- preferably and more likely, after college.
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The Extraordinary Lauren Crew
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Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 8:50 pm
Exactly Lauren... and that's what scares me. My friend has never taken responsibility for anything... ever. And when that realization that life isn't a bed of roses finally hits her, she's not going to want it. She's not good with responsibility in the least....
I just don't want to see her hurt. She's done things this reckless before but never something that will effect her quite like this will.
It's just such a sticky matter... because I want for her what she wants for herself... but there needs to be some will power behind it. Just enough will to know what you want and work your hardest to achieve it. I just wish she fully realized what she is doing...
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Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 5:40 pm
Oh dear, she's still very much in the "honeymoon phase" when everything is still new and exciting. It'll wear off eventually. Other than that, she really needs to think this through. Marriage is huge commitment and at age 18 she may not be ready for that, like you said. There's a lot of guys out there, how does she know that he's The One after only four months? Have you tried talking some sense into her?
I've been engaged for a year. My fiance and I can trust each other with everything, we've supported each other emotionally and financially throughout our four years of being together. There needs to be a lot more than just love in order to make a marriage work.
I believe your bisexual friend made the right choice. Again with the four month mark. If she feels she's ready to marry her girlfriend and can support her through anything, she can make the proposal.
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Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 6:57 am
I agree Kitty... and no I haven't tried talking to her. She's told other friends that she's positive about it. It just worries me because she's so set on it that if and when it all falls through, she's gonna be a mess... just like when her first hookup at college didn't blossom into a relationship... she was positively crushed because she was naive enough to think that one-time sex meant relationship.
And now she's engaged and still naive.Only this time, she's thinking the "honeymoon phase" = what it will be like for the rest of her life.
My boyfriend and I got through the "honeymoon phase" and survived as well and we've been together for a little more than a year and a half... but honestly, I still wouldn't want to get engaged yet.
When did you get engaged Kitty? Like, how far into your relationship?
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Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 5:47 pm
That's a bit scary...I don't think anyone's ready to spend their whole life with a person they've known for less than six months. confused
I personally believe that the most basic of foundations for an engagement is simply time spent together. The longer you're together, the more you know about the person, the more you know how you two work things out. The second thing would be to sit back for a moment and truly try and absorb into your brain the thought of spending the rest of your life with this person. Having kids, dealing with financial troubles, stress, and other trying ordeals you'll probably go through. How would you and this person deal with these issues?
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 1/2 years (forever, I know) and there's been no talk of proposals. Lol, we act like an old married couple already. rofl We're both juniors in high school, and as much as it hurts, we've agreed on breaking up when high school ends. We'll keep in touch, but there's no way to know what we'll be like when we finish college.
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