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luver_of_life Vice Captain
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 Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 7:02 pm
POST YOUR SUPER FUNNY JOKES HERE!
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Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 7:02 pm
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
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luver_of_life Vice Captain
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luver_of_life Vice Captain
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Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 7:04 pm
Three mice were sitting at a bar talking about how tough they
were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps
for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me,
I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that,
he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take
those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for
the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away.
The first two mice look at each other, then turn to the third
mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"
The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to screw the
cat."
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Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 7:05 pm
A drunk is sitting at a bar when a woman stands behind him and
raises her arm really high to get the bartender's attention.
She has very hairy armpits. The drunk sees this and yells at the
bartender, "Get the ballerina a drink."
She gets her drink and goes away.
Later she returns and raises her arm again. The drunk sees her
and yells to the bartender, "Get the ballerina another drink."
She gets her drink and goes away again.
The bartender asks the drunk how he knows that she is a ballerina
given that she is a stranger and has never been in the bar before.
The drunk replies, "She's got to be a ballerina if she can lift
her leg that high."
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luver_of_life Vice Captain
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luver_of_life Vice Captain
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Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 7:06 pm
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It's a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the
questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."
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Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 7:07 pm
A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. While searching around for them, he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room, and he found himself completely naked in the halls of the world''s most powerful military organization HQ. But, luckily, no one was around to see him.
So, he ran as fast as he could to the elevator. When it arrived,
it was empty. He breathed a sigh of relief and got in. When the doors opened on his floor, there was no one waiting outside. "This must be my lucky day," he said to himself. He was now only a few yards from his office.
Suddenly, he heard footsteps coming from around the corner. He heard the General''s voice. There was no way he'd make it to his door in time, so he ducked into the closest office available, and found himself in the laboratory for Research & Development. The Head Scientist looked up from one of her experiments with puzzled interest.
The soldier thought quickly, stood up straight and saluted.
"I am here to report the partial success of the Personal Invisibility Device," he said.
"I see," the Head Scientist said. "But the Shrink Ray seems to be working perfectly."
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luver_of_life Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 3:48 pm
Those are really funny. i like the pentagon one and the one with the old ladies biggrin
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Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 4:26 pm
A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him.
"You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."
The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.
"I choose this room!" the man says.
"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.
"You can go now. I've found your replacement."
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luver_of_life Vice Captain
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luver_of_life Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 4:37 pm
A man is opening a restaurant and he asks one of his workers to come up with a name for it.
The man tells Al, one of his workers, that he will name the resaurant after the first thing Al sees when he goes out the door.
Al walks outside and the first thing he saw was a girl named Lucy and he saw her legs. He told the man, and so the restaurant was named Lucy's Legs. The man was so impressed that he said the next day Al could get a free drink.
The next day Al comes a bit early and a policeman walks by and notices Al waiting there. The policeman asks, "What are you doing?"
Al says, "I'm waiting for Lucy's legs to open so I can get a drink."
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Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 4:42 pm
Two brothers went downstairs for breakfast, where their mother was cooking.
"What do you want for breakfast?" asked the mother.
"s**t, I want some ******** pancakes," said the first brother.
The mother slapped him across the face.
"We don't talk like that in this house. Now, how about you, son? I hope you've learned a lesson from your brother. What do you want for breakfast?"
"I've sure learned my lesson! You can bet your a** I don't want any ******** pancakes!"
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luver_of_life Vice Captain
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luver_of_life Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 4:43 pm
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.
The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
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Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 4:57 pm
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
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luver_of_life Vice Captain
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luver_of_life Vice Captain
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Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 5:41 am
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."
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Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 3:30 pm
wow those are crazy funny ^^
idk what one is my favorite
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luver_of_life Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 11:02 pm
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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