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 Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 1:09 am
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from plastic wrap.
The psychiatrist says, ''Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
A guy is 71 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
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Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 1:10 am
A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"
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Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 1:12 am
A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.
"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.
"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.
"Duke! Get out of there before the boy craps on you!"
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Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 1:16 am
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ''Who is this?''
"'This is the maid,'' answers the woman.
''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.
The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''
The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''
The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''
The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''
The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''
The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''
Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''
A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 555-8132?''
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Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 2:26 am
A woman is working in a sperm bank when a man walks in the front door wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He points the gun at the woman and says, "drink that tube of semen. " The woman does and the man takes off his mask, she see's it's her husband who says. "Now was that so hard to do."
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Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 4:05 pm
A guy walks in a bar for five days straight, ordering the same drink over and over. He comes in again the next day and sits down at the bar.
Bartender: You want the same thing?
Guy: No man, last night I went home and blew Chunks.
Bartender: Yeah man, that'll happen sometimes.
Guy: No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog...
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Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 10:09 pm
A guy walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of crown royal, the bartender asks is there's anything wrong and the man says, "well, i just found out my oldest son is gay."
A week later the same man comes in and orders 20 shots of crown royal, the bartender asks what's wrong and the man says, "just found out my youngest son is gay."
Two weeks later the guy comes back and just asks for the bottle of crown royal. The bartender says, "Geez man, doesn't anyone in your family like p***y?"
The guy says, "Yeah, my wife!"
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Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 10:14 pm
Guy walks into a bar and orders 3 shots at once. The bartender asks why he asks for three shots at once
The man says that he has two friends, one in germany, and one in ireland, and whenever they go to the bar they order their drinks three at a time in honor of each other.
Well, two weeks later the man walks in and only orders two shots. The bartender thinks this means that one of his friends has died so he asks the man if one of his friends died.
The man replies, "No, they're fine, I just quit drinking."
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Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 2:32 pm
TEN HUSBANDS
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.
What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!
"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
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Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 3:22 pm
Oh wow thats was a good one where did u find that one shannon
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Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 8:30 pm
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
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Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 8:32 pm
Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 8:44 pm
Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
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Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 8:49 pm
0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
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Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 12:42 am
A duck went into a pet food store place and ask a worker. "Miister got any QUACKERS?"
"No." the man replied "We have dog food and cat food but no quackers im sorry so go away."
(Next day)
Duck does the same thing same guy. "Mister got any quackers?"
"What you again no we don't we only have dog and cat food no quackers. GO AWAY!!!"
(Next day)
Same thing again same guy "MIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSTER got any QUACKERS?"
"THAT DOES IT THE NEXT TIME YOU ASK ME FOR QUACKERS I AM GOING TO NAIL YOUR FEET TOO THE FLOOR!!!!!!"
Duck runs away
(Next day)
Duck meets the same guy. "WHAT YOU AGAIN WHAT DO YOU WANT??"
"Mister got any nails?
the guy is puzzled
"No, why?"
"Mister got any quackers?"
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