For an introductory piece, I figured I'd share one of my favorite rant/poems, written a few years ago, durring a rather unhappy point in my life. I can't remember if I was influenced by anything more then pure emotion, a drug in and of itself for some. Either way, a pretty powerful piece, if I do say so myself.
How are you today?
Emotionally and mentally exhausted. My heart is strung up to be drawn and quartered, my mind racing in ten thousand different ways all in the same instant. Unable to grasp onto any semblance of sanity or normalcy. Smiling for no reason but to hide the pain evident in my eyes.
Feeling like everytime I put my foot down about something the fates interveine and kick me in the perverbial balls. Are they trying to tell me something, or him? Is there something we should be seeing with these accidents, some kind of devine sign? Or am I grasping at straws and drawing conclusions that have nothing to do with anything real? Gods I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Silencing the shattering of my heart is impossible, picking up the pieces pointless as they continue to crack everytime I think I've got them glued safely together. Is everything sprayed with tefflon? Why can't I just pick up and move on with my life? Instead I'm here, searching for the shattered fragments of myself, hoping to the gods they're all still accounted for and continue the endless puzzle building that has become of my heart.
Words whispered from tearstreaked faces tug at my heartstrings and I crumble within myself, bitterly succumbing to carnal desires, self respect and worth taking another shot, diminishing even more with every false touch and wanton quenching of frantic lust. Liquid fire leaks from my eyes, burning my soul with my shame in submission, my betrayal of myself. I'm weak, and I hate myself for it.
Unable to deny it, I rape my own dignity and bow to the momentary comfort of mutual release. I enjoy the contact, the desperate embraces, that 'one last time' that I swore would never happen. Not that my word to myself matters, a weak shadow of my former self I have inevitably become.
If I were truely wanted, I wouldn't be so alone. If I were loved, I'd be able to wipe the paint off my face and begin smiling in earnest again. Instead I sit here and wallow in my own solitude and pretend.
I just want to begin the healing process, and not have to feel all the progress slip away. How long before I leave this all behind and can begin fresh? Bound and tied as I am, I can never escape the pain, it's always going to be staring me in the eyes, a part of my life as much as the air I breathe. It was made sure of, that never could I leave, never could I feel as if free from everything painful in my life.
One day I'll shatter, and shatter for good.. The pieces will be too small to contemplate rebuilding, the fine dust that was once my heart will blow away in the gentlest breeze and I will be but an empty shell of that which I was. Will you be there to witness my demise? Will I have to look you in the eyes as I lose the last bit of myself, knowing you were the reason behind it all?
...I can feel myself fading...
......slowly fading......
.........fading, continually fading.........
............fading away............
