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Metamorphosis Lycanthropy
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 Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 6:46 pm
Ever since I could even remember, I've never really liked to be called "she" or "he" (NEVER "IT".) In my mind, I am the "gray area" of gender, neither male, nor female, and sometimes even both. I don't conform to the "gender roles" I do not believe in them, I'm not the "stereotypical girl" and neither am I a "tom boy" I think I carry the characteristics of male and female. I remember when I was very young, I asked myself "Am I supposed to have a boy part, too? Why do I feel weird by just having a girl part?" I've always asked myself that, but never had the guts to ask anyone else, such as my parents. I feared that they would tell me something like "you're a drama queen" or "you're going through a phase, you'll grow out of it." when I don't want those answers. I want real answers and helpful input.
I'm motherly, I take help and take care of those I love.
I'm also fatherly and like to provide for those who need it, and for those that are really close to me. People tell me that I'm the lesbian that would "wear the pants" in the relationship more of than "wearing the dress".
But it goes farther than just stereotypes.
I would ask myself "Who am I, if I'm neither male, nor female, than what?" Don't get me wrong, I "pass" as a "tomboy" or "butchy girl" (sometimes even drag king). But in my mind, I think I'm more than just biologically female, I sometimes think that I am both creatures... Yes, a hermaphrodite. I've been having dreams that I am a hermaphrodite, and it felt "right" or fitting, it felt.. exhilarating in a sense of how I felt about myself personally and psychologically. (not just physically)
I felt like I was in the right body, or in the right state of being If there were a surgery out there that will help me have both of the "equipment" I would take it. But I still have questions about myself as a whole. "Is this a phase?" or "have I convinced myself that I should be one thing when I shouldn't?" or SOMETHING.
The only thing I fear is being rejected by my family members and friends, and once my love. And I know that she will never reject me because of how I identify and how I see myself, she loves me unconditionally.
I'm also wondering "Am I trying too hard to label myself, or find out who I am?" But if you were to ask me "I don't know, are you?" I think it's human nature to find a "category" for themselves. Rather it be about individuality, or something that they think they should be when they're the complete opposite. (Example: Transgendered people. I'm not saying that Transgendered people are confused, I'm just saying that they feel that they should be one thing, as opposed to what they are biologically.)
If you have any answers for me as of some sort of surgery that will help me have both a functioning p***s, and a v****a, or just input at all. Please voice it. I would really love to hear it. If you can give me ANY advice... please tell me.
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Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 7:07 pm
I hate how close-minded people try so hard to make the world strictly black and white, right or wrong, male or female. I know that in a lot of ways, most people do have a masculine or feminine part of them in addition to whatever their physical sex is. In some people it's barely there, and in other cases, such as people who identify as genderqueer, it can even be half-and-half, or almost some new gender entirely.
Unfortunately, mainstream society exclusively classifies people as either male or female. They see no gray areas and scorn those who fall in between the two "set" categories. I've never personally dealt with any gender issues, but I believe that if there can be such a broad spectrum of sexualities there can also be a broad spectrum of genders.
I'm not even really close-minded when it comes to people who physically show characteristics of both sexes (MTFs who keep their penises, or "hermaphrodites" in the way it's known in the furry fandom with breasts, a p***s, and a v****a). Yes, I have watched porn involving both of those examples, and yes I've actually kind of liked it.
The main reason I classify myself as lesbian is because I identify as female and am primarily attracted to females. I connect better with females and feel more comfortable with lesbian relationships because of the absence of the set roles you find in heterosexual relationships. With members of the same sex, you can take on whatever fluid roles you want. In general, I also don't find males attractive. I like breasts over male chests, and I like the shape of the female body better. I find penises... funny sometimes, to be honest, and for the most part semen disgusts me. If it wasn't for the semen, actually, I'd be even more tolerant of penises. Risk of pregnancy aside...
I guess in some ways you could almost call me bi-curious. I like some "shemales" and "hermaphrodites," I've watched gay porn before, I'm a lot more tolerable of heterosexual sex than I used to be... I've roleplayed (online roleplaying, to clarify) as a male, both in gay and straight encounters. I don't really consider myself bi-curious in the most accepted definition of the term, though. I would probably never be in a relationship with a male and still prefer females over all.
...I'm rambling a lot.
My point is that there's a lot more to gender and sexuality than mainstream culture realizes, and that does make things a lot more difficult... I'm sure friends who know I'm a dyke would be shocked and/or horrified to learn some of the things I've just said.
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Metamorphosis Lycanthropy
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Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 7:18 pm
I agree with you, I identify myself as lesbian because I feel so much better in those relationships then I do hetero.... It's just that I don't identify myself as one being able to be in a "labeled" relationship or being "labeled" as a male or female.... even though I am comfortable with females.
and yes... this world is full of dichotomies. If it's black, it's black, if it's white, it's white. If it's gray, it doesn't exist and it shouldn't.
*sigh*
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Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 6:11 pm
Well to open it up and try to pull together all of what I've just read, I'd like to agree with and point out that I believe in the distinction and separtation of "sex" and "gender" which is what it seems you are mostly dealing with Meta.
I also agree with you Moon that the world is over preocupied with labels and stereyotypes but the society at large has good reason for their clinginess to such trivial things. I also believe that individuals like ourselves will be forever plauged by the obstacles these labels present. Instead of defining us they are posing confusing and incorrect ideas about the need for labels; that is a tragety.
I think we do try to hard to find a label that defines us, after all there are so many of them today. It is not a negative thing, the need to feel defined or search for a label as it were that helps give us the feeling of being fulfilled. I know I was absolutely estatic to discover the results of my personality profile test way back when. Labels can help us communicate with others and even provide insight into who and what we are but obviously they can not be an end all; nothing beats a good old-fashioned face to face conversation with someone.
I can't really offer any advice to you Meta since each of our paths is different, with struggles as unique as each of us. I can however offer a few of my own condensed personal experiences that I hope will at least provide you with some support.
You mentioned that you believe you carry the characteristics of both male and female, a true androgen as it were, and expressed feelings of hermaphroditism at a young age. It sounds to me like your conflict is more a psychological self image issue than a sexuality issue from what you've shared here. And although my issue is a bit different I do remember how I felt when I was little and far beyond the comprehension of lables and stereotypes.
When I was little I had a very close little sister--we were 2 1/2yrs. apart. When we would play together, she was always herself and I was always the boy. When we would pretend to go to the bathroom she went to her woman side of the tree and I went to my men side of the tree and I would hold my invisible member out as I spread my legs to take a leak, just like any man would.
Back when both me and my sister were able to take baths together we would play trapped mermaid. My sister was the trapped mermaid and I was the nobel prince who would rescue the maided. I'd drag her up out of the tide and onto my lap where I would hold her lifeless body in my arms and grieve over her fate. But, of course, like any good fairy tale the doomed maiden could only be awakened by the deep kiss of such a nobel prince as myself. As soon as I gave the maiden her life kiss on the lips her eyes opened and she was most assuredly saved--just in time for bath time to be over.
Now as I look back on those particular instances, I was never made fun of, made to feel akward or out of place because of them. Even on the elementry playground I would play sexually ambiguous characters like Shenzi from the Lion King or even given the role of Peter from Jumanji.
My childhood heros were Wolverine and Crocodille Dundee and I took every opportunity to dress as hard as they were even though I was 6 yrs. old.
I think you should let your natural tendencies guide you instead of what "preconcieved" label can offer you. I don't label myself unless I'm in extreme situations and even then I like to go for Neutrois which of course opens up a dialouge and once I've explained who I am, I've already gained the respect of my friends to be called however I wish. I also usually don't care for labels, period, but there is a nice little thread by my friend DysPerDis on the ED that points out a few good ones relating to TG issues. And that is another issue unto itself...
Don't let labels hold you back. Be as intune to your true, inner heart's feelings as you can. Those things that move your being are those things that are true. So my advice to you would be to develope yourself as a person before you try to determine how you should or shouldn't be behaving. When you begin to focus on your individual voice you will become less and less distracted by that weight of labels and the invisible need to preform upto their expectations.
I'm happy to keep talking with you about everything, you gave so much stuff in your intro that it's more content than I can really cover in a one shot response! sweatdrop
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Metamorphosis Lycanthropy
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Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 7:37 pm
I'm sorry I gave so much information, it's just that I had so much to say. I've read your post throughly, twice. I must say that you are right that there are the difference between "sex" and "gender". The reason why I am questioning it rather.. brash, i suppose? Is because that no one I know (online, and in my personal life) feels like me. Though I do know some transgendered and want-to-be-transgendered people, online, and in real life. But I'm slightly different from transgenders.
I think the reason why we try so hard to find labels is because the "default" doesn't fit us, either it doesn't fit at all, or it doesn't fit like a glove. So we go searching, whether it be male, female, hermaphrodite, none of the above, elephant, monkey, wolf, whatever. We try to find that security of the sense of belonging.
And yes, I'll definitely keep in mind that I should let my natural tendencies guide me. It's what I've been doing for a while, but it brings up a lot of questions about myself, and my tendencies. Oftentimes it answers some, but opens a whole lot more to question.
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Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 7:51 am
I'm a work right now, but I will definitely come back and check this out asap. Just wanted to let you know I haven't forgotten to come over here. heart
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