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 Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 12:38 pm
This is a very serious topic. Most of you who are older, who have been in the lifestyle for a while, know that kinky folk face discrimination, loss of custody of children, loss of jobs, and other harassment, including harassment by the law.
A very real problem is the suggestion that involvement in BDSM or fetish activities presents a child protection issue. Now, I've known many hundreds of kinky folk, and many of them are parents. I've engaged in discussions on how to keep your toys hidden from the children, how to participate in Domination/submission without tipping off the kids, how to do heavy play when/where the children don't hear, etc. So I know that keeping what we do out of the hands/ears/eyes of our children is an important concern.
However, the officials (like child protective services) don't always believe that. We are perceived as deviants, more likely to cause sexual harm to children, more likely to allow our children access to our sex toys and sex life, etc.
The obvious answer, of course, is "Well, don't tell child protection, police, therapists, etc." The problem with that, though, is that we don't always get a say in being "outted". A vindictive ex, in the middle of a custody battle, can do a lot of damage. An arrest for something you didn't (or even did) do can lead to your perfectly innocent sex toys being seized as a "rape kit" or "torture devices". The wrong person seeing you enter an alternative club can raise questions which you'd rather keep private. There are so many ways to be outted against your will.
And so that raises my question - are any of you aware of any studies done on BDSM and child abuse? Specifically, is there any proven-by-research link, or lack of link, between child abuse (of any type) and parental involvement in BDSM?
My feeling - and my experiences - say that there is not. Oh, I'm sure that some in our lifestyle do abuse their children, just as some abuse their partners. But I believe very strongly that the percentage is low.
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Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 1:13 pm
Personally, i feel that there is no way that someone could say that a sexual relationship between the parents could be detremental to a child. Especially if this relationship is hidden from the child. It's the same way in most of the relationships: Bondage, straight, gay, etc. So long as the child is not told of it, or introduced to it in any way.
I also feel that many of the peole who controll the laws of child protection simply do not actually know how such relationships work, and thus target them as an excuse to validate their own fears or apprehentions of them.
o.o i probably just said or sounded like i said something either smart or really stupid.
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Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 5:22 pm
My opinion: Likely there isn't a connection between the abusings of children and parental BDSM involvement.
And, to sort of add to the Youkai paragraph number 2, thats kinda like what I dub the 'Law of Worse > Better'. IE, its the bad minority that gives the good majority a bad name, and thusly, musses things up and all. *nod*
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Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 12:27 pm
laharl15 My opinion: Likely there isn't a connection between the abusings of children and parental BDSM involvement. And, to sort of add to the Youkai paragraph number 2, thats kinda like what I dub the 'Law of Worse > Better'. IE, its the bad minority that gives the good majority a bad name, and thusly, musses things up and all. *nod* i deffinately agree. ^_^ thanks laharl!
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Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 3:44 pm
YoukaiAlchemist laharl15 My opinion: Likely there isn't a connection between the abusings of children and parental BDSM involvement. And, to sort of add to the Youkai paragraph number 2, thats kinda like what I dub the 'Law of Worse > Better'. IE, its the bad minority that gives the good majority a bad name, and thusly, musses things up and all. *nod* i deffinately agree. ^_^ thanks laharl! Walcomes. :3 And call me Janus. *bops*
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Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 6:07 pm
cool. ^_^ Janus it is, then..
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Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 11:10 pm
*gags a little* my parents are into bdsm and it didnt affect me...the substance abuse did though
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Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 1:52 pm
On one hand, the majority of the community (from my perspective) is incredibly safe and protective and would never allow a child to be abused in the name of BDSM, S&M, or kinks. I know that if you're part of the sane community, you would never do it. Even if you thought about it, you would never ever put it into action. We know how to tell the difference between fantasy and reality; after all.
But, the problem lies in the fringes. There are fringe groups and fringe people and such that don't know how to tell the difference between reality and fantasy, or simply don't care. They don't participate in the main community because it's not 'real' enough for their tastes; meaning we keep it *too* safe. And I could see them hurting children, all too easily. I could see them hurting children, and thus giving BDSM(etc) a bad name, and the poor child being scarred for life. It's those people who make us look bad, but unfortunately, it's those people on the whole who get the most attention.
Now for my activist rant: I think if we stopped hiding quite so much, if we outed ourselves, and if we forced the world to realize that we're not deviants and we're not terrible people, in a few decades we wouldn't have nearly such a bad name.
Look at gays. Some homosexuals still rape children, but the majority of people don't (at least openly) say that all homosexuals are child rapists and sexual deviants. That's simply not politically correct. I suppose it depends on the state you live in, but still.
I think it is cowardly to hide in the shadows like this. We're just as normal as they are, and we're not going to attack their children or them.
Sorry, I doubt that's what you wanted me to say in the thread. <3
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Imaginary Marionette Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 7:42 pm
I think that is an unfair conclusion to come to. Then it must also be said that any sort of rough sexual ANYTHING whether it be bdsm or just a little faster and harder then slow sensuality can also lead to child abuse.
The conclusions people make like that are out of fear and lack of knowledge and understanding, as well as an unwillingness to learn.
My dom has a son, and I assure neither of us beat him or harbor any violence towards the child. Just cause we beat the s**t out of each other when he's asleep or at his mothers house does not mean we would ever do the same to him. BDSM is largely about control, and rolls, we know how to control ourselves and we know our rolls as parents. That anyone would think other wise cause of what we choose to partake in in our bedroom is ridiculous.
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Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 10:38 pm
I agree that it's really unfair...
Also... PLEASE change your font, Lena. I have to highlight it to read it! Everything looks a little bit lighter on my laptop, too!
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Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 3:30 pm
That is wicked unfair and they should judge just baised on what our sexual and life choices are. They just don't understand what it is all about, they saythings like that because they are confused and don't understand.
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Posted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 4:28 pm
I am not aware of any studies on the subject, but it certainly is interesting, and there might be a couple of obscure studies out there.
I think some BDSMers probably make awful parents while others are great. The same can be said for vanilla parents, straight parents, gay parents, white parents, and any other kind of parents. It just blows my mind when people try to say an entire group of people would make bad parents without a history of child abuse from all the members of that group.
I do not have any children at the moment, but I have no doubt that I would provide a safe environment for a child. I have degrees in Criminal Justice and Psychology, I have never been arrested, and I passed the state screening process in order to work in a special school for abused children. I am not sexually attracted to children, so anyone who tried to say my interest in cuckolding, for example, was a danger to a child would likely be an idiot in my opinion.
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Posted: Sun Mar 08, 2009 4:47 pm
I personally feel that there is less of a chance of child abuse in a household where the parents practice BDSM. The parents would be more aware of their actions, and therefore less likely to take actions against their child(ren).
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Posted: Sat May 23, 2009 4:15 pm
I'm only 17, so I can't really talk too much about that. However, I, too, doubt that there's many people doing that. That's pretty much like saying that anyone who's having sex is showing their kids, talking about it in front of them, or even raping them, & I know that's not true. Its also like saying anyone who does anything that they might wanna keep a secret & who also has kids teaches it to their kids & practices it with their kids. If they want to keep a secret, wouldn't they... you know... keep it a secret? They wouldn't be telling their kids all about it. Cause who do you think the kids will tell? Teachers, friends, other adults, etc. Your kids wouldn't even understand it at first, so why even try?
Aside from that, even if you wanted to, keeping sex away from kids is a problem, it makes them curious, & you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat.
Me personally, I think that if I got married & had kids, I'd probably either stop all together, or take it outside of the home (perhaps in a hotel or something) so that they won't walk in or something. As for the toys, I'm a packrat myself, I can find anything my parents hide from me (& no, they don't have toys... XD) I'm sure I can find some pretty sweet hiding places they won't find in a million years though. If not, I'll keep 'em in a safe or something. It'll work! XD
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Posted: Mon Jun 01, 2009 3:37 am
I feel like someone said earlier. it is the people on the fringes and the minorities that are in the media that give the rest of the community a bad name.
I think that someone who partakes in bdsm is no more likely to be child abuser then any other person. Although i am not ruling out the possibility of a child abuser being in the bdsm community i am just saying they are no more likely to be one then a "normal" person. Child abusers can be any type of person and the majority of them come across as completely normal people.
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