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| Did you enjoy the style of this excerpt? |
| It flows well, no major problems. |
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| It was dreadful, shoot yourself. |
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 Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 6:51 pm
This is a short excerpt from my story, 'Sword of the Iron Monarch'. It is short because it is meant for you to judge my writing style, not the plot, which will be unrevealed unless I see fit too. If I get sufficient feedback and an interested audience, I may post more.
Here we go.
-->He had slept for a millennium, oblivious to the many centuries that had passed since his last futile attempt at escaping from his iron prison. Now awake once more the once king struggled, trying to focus all of his stored energy on shattering his bondage. Yet again he mentally cried out in vain, seeing as a sword has no mouth.
-->Laying within his sheath upon an ancient crumbling altar, the king was a prisoner. To think of all of the lives destroyed and enslaved by the once tyrant, ironically, he became a victim of his own ambition. Rebellion is ever a risk to kings, but his eyes were on the prize, a rival nation. Had he looked away, he might have seen the dagger poised above him.
-->Of course it wasn’t bad enough that he was dead, but instead his subjects added insult to injury, encasing his soul in an unremarkable iron short sword. The fact that it was a short sword was meant as a remark about his height no doubt. Even worse, he was left here with no company except for that bitter guardian Lliro.
-->Had Lliro been more friendly, the king might have bothered to project into the guard’s mind for a chat about what the king’s name was, because quite frankly, he had forgotten. Years of imprisonment and isolation will do that usually, but in his case, it would simply worsen because he couldn’t escape through death. No one human being is ever granted a second chance at freedom.
-->Then the domed ceiling collapsed, the large keystone landing upon Lliro before he could react. Brilliant sunlight streamed into what was a subterraneous tomb, literal rays of hope for the once king. The ancient architects could only make the building last so long after all. For the sword, this turn of events was his second chance, not as a human, but as a sword.
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Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 8:28 pm
Quite interesting, my friend. The flow was good, and I learned quickly of the main character's history and current position. The final paragraph threw me off, for I was unable to chronologically connect certain events without speculation, but I would say that that is merely a hiccup in an otherwise intriguing piece of prose that has my curiosity piqued.
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School Of Dedicated RPers
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Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 6:18 am
I suggest that you mention the building crumbling and the architects first, then have it collapse. Also, if the guard is human, why would be be standing there in a place that is obviously going to collapse? Why wouldn't the sword have been moved some where else? You might need an earthquake or some other event to nudge the collapse along, so that it can be sudden for every one.
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Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 9:10 pm
First to Razor: The king in the sword isn't the main character actually. It may seem that way, because it's an excerpt of my prologue, so the background is being laid out to ready you for the events in the story. The sword is actually a side hero and mentor to the main character, he can control mortal minds by suggesting certain actions. Yes, suggesting, not forcing, and the final paragraph of the excerpt is confusing, alas it's neccesary to explain how he is found. After all he was in a tomb without an entrance. He wasn't supposed to be found ever again. A collapsed ceiling creates an entrance.
To School: This is the king's first time awake in centuries. He didn't know that the tomb was crumbling. I always make it so we only know as much as the characters in the story. After the excerpt, in the full prologue, he thinks that the vibrations must have awoken him. However he doesn't immediately realize that there was any vibrating or collapsing, seeing as swords don't have nervous systems, he felt nothing. He can hear though so I might add in something about him hearing rumbling or some such thing. Also, Lliro, the guardian, isn't human. I know it isn't explained here, but later you find out he is a demon. He doesn't move from the tomb because he isn't allowed to. He must remain during the collapse because he is bound to watch the sword.
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School Of Dedicated RPers
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Posted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 11:29 am
In that case, you should add some transition phrase to make it clearer that it is a surprise to him.
"Then one day, without warning," -- even something as simple as that.
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