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Intellectual Elocutionist
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 Posted: Tue Sep 20, 2005 9:22 pm
If I felt bad before, now I'm feeling thirty times worse...I have no truly normal-happy moments...the occasional false giddy kind of happiness, and more often than not, complete and utter depression...I feel like I'm falling into a hole that I can't get out of...
I've been cutting classes because of depression, and started crying for no reason, just because I felt really crappy all of a sudden...I have no friends* and I feel so lonely and abandoned. Some people who said they cared, who said they were friends...they lied. Not once did they ever try to care, not once did they ever even acknowledge me...the treasonous liars! I feel like I'm worthless, hopeless, and pathetic...my life is full of miserable failure and...I just don't know what to do...my only respite is Gaia, but then I feel like I'm just running away and being weak and afraid...but I am afraid...I'm scared of everything...I'm paranoid and anxious...I can't handle being around people...I hate it...I hate everything! I feel so....gone.* but my boyfriend...he's a lifesaver heart
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Posted: Tue Sep 20, 2005 10:34 pm
heart i know whats it like to feel entirely alone and abandoned...when i was feeling my worse, i would drive to college and then feel like there was no reason to be in class cuz i never really had any friends in the classes who would even notice i wasnt there...i would end up sleeping in my car in the parking lot with the tape player playing my favorite Hole cd...it was awful to feel like there was no one that u really mattered to, to feel as if if u were to die or disappear, no one would really even notice...but there are people that you matter to even if it doesnt feel like it right now...if you need to talk, u can email me or IM me if u use Yahoo or AIM... heart
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Posted: Tue Sep 20, 2005 11:10 pm
I have felt that way before. I would sit in my room and stare at the ceiling for hours, waiting for my phone to ring. It never did. I'd wait more, and more, but no one called. No one cared. Even today I have to be the one to call someone. The only one that calls is my mom, and that's because I'm gone from home and she actually misses me. Why, I don't know.
But it passes with time. You'll find some people that care enough to call, or notice you're not in class, or give you hugs when you look down. You probably won't find them, they'll find you, in fact. Just give it some time.
Until then, take care of you.
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Posted: Wed Sep 21, 2005 7:04 am
It's awesome that your boyfriend is helping you. Just remember, there are more people like him out in the world.
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Intellectual Elocutionist
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Posted: Wed Sep 21, 2005 10:30 pm
I hope that's the case, kudzu...
I know exactly what you guys mean, too...except the caller is my bf...but it's not enough...whenever he's away, or I have breaks he has class during, or whatever, it's like...so nothing...I sit in front of my computer, don't get any IMs, don't get any phone calls, emails, or anything...my "friends" don't even say hi to me, unless I say hi first, and usually they'd brush it off anyway...
you're right, though, I guess, that I should hope...but it seems very far away...so far I have nothing to fuel my hope, so it seems very far away
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Posted: Fri Sep 23, 2005 9:01 am
Something that I found helpful is actually FORCING myself to go to class and get out of the house. It's a small accomplishment, but it's something that you know is important. It's also a way to keep from dwelling on inner turmoil.
I found, when I was skipping classes due to my depression, that skipping just made it worse. I would get anxious about my grade or about confronting the teacher or professor.
Things are rarely as bad as you think they are, especially when depression has it's evil claws in you. If you have a psychotherapist, have you discussed this with him or her? If you're on medication, are you sure that you're on the right thing at the right levels and have you been taking it regularly?
Remember, hon: This, too, shall pass. Things will get better... I know it seems, right now, like this dark feeling will go on forever. It won't. Really. There is a tomorrow and it is possible for you to enjoy it.
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Posted: Sat Sep 24, 2005 8:58 am
When I'm depressed, it's a struggle to get out of bed. However, once I get up and am doing things, at least I'm being *active* even if I feel like s**t. Think about it if you weren't to go to your classes - how far behind you'd fall, etc. I'm sorry you've been cutting in class. That's scary, hun. I remember when I'd cut in class (I had one 'friend' who turned out to be a back-stabbing b***h) it'd make me feel so much better -- that was, until my school counslor almost had me instituionalized.
I know how scary it can be when only one person out there gets it (I'm currently at that spot - only my girlfriend really understands what's going on) but there *are* more people out there, like Kudzu said.
Thing will get better...I promise. This will pass...please try to not harm yourself anymore than you already have - if you need someone to talk to feel free to PM me, ok?
Take care.
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