I've only read the prologue so far but:
1)
Editing. Perhaps you should re-read it yourself. There's quite a number of spelling/grammar mistakes. One notable recurring mistake is here:
Quote:
Emily quickly went to her seat and sat down. Rina already on her perch, by Emily’s desk waiting for her to sit down, she opened her book and taking notes as she is
apposed to.
Also:
Quote:
Am I ever going to know? What is it apposed to mean? I think you mean 'supposed' rather than 'apposed' which is another word altogether. There are a few other grammar/spelling mistakes about.
2)
Show; don't tell. There are certain things it's better to
show your reader, rather than tell. Character relationships fall into that category. Information like like
'She didn't have any friends' and
'[she] never seems to get along with her stepmother very well' could be passed on in a far more interesting way if you
showed these things happening. For example: she's sitting alone. Okay. The reader can probably guess she has no friends.
Second reason to show rather than tell: Chances are, if you can't find a reason to devote bits of scenes to
showing us some of these things, then the information is irrelevant.
3)
The description starting from
Quote:
Emily had decided to wear her black hair up...
breaks the flow of the story a little, I think. The thing with describing clothes is it tends to come out as a list -- 'Emily: black hair, black tank top, holey gloves, goth skirt.' That's what the reader processes it as. It's better, I think, to mention clothes incidentally -- and then only if you really feel makes a statement about the character. As an example of how you might 'incidentally' refer to her clothes: Emily might stand up and have to straighten her black tank top. Or she might brush grass off her goth skirt. Something like that. Otherwise, the reader just loses interest and doesn't pay attention.
Apart from that, it sounds like it could be fun ^^. Good luck with your writing.
(Oh, also: it would make it a little easier to read if you put a space between your paragraphs ^^.)
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