Welcome to Gaia! ::

Okay, Before I begin..
Unlike most people who have problems, I actually LOVE my family and my parents. They've done nothing but try to be there for me, and I can't expect them to do any more for me than be there for me now rather than all the times I kept things from them. So my family have never done anything to deliberately hurt me or upset me.

Okay, here's my life story.
As a kid, I had a large number of friends [when I say kid, I mean nursery and generally shool up untill I was the age of seven.]
The people I had the most trouble with as a kid was my childminders and their children.
My first childminder was just for me and my sister, and wow she was lovely. She was the only nice childminder I ever had, out of all nine of them untill the age of 11, where I started to finally walk to school on my own.
She was called tony, but she got pregnant so we had to find a new childminder.
My second was called victoria, and she locked me out the house and threw my most prized possesion at that age [before school started. Age: 4 years.] which was my teddy bear, in the bin. She'd call me names, she'd call me ugly, she'd walk away from me when she wanted to go out to the shop and leave me alone in an unfamiliar place. It doesn't sound that bad, obviously, but it really felt it at that age. My parents sacked her after finding me in tears when they got home because she'd smacked me.
I don't remember all of them, I just remember some of their kids were selfish and mean to me.
One shoved a knife up my a**, which wasn't pleasant if I may say so.
One locked me out the house for three hours when I was probably about 4/5.
Then came my Last childminder. I can't remember the one before her, but we needed a childminder and she was the only one available. Sue.
Her family seemed nice at first. her son, about my age, seemed kind. I was put in for them to look after me while my parents where at work, only to find that her son, Jack, wanted a lot more from me than I'd expected.
He'd make me do 'things' to him and his friends, and if I refused he'd tell his mother that I'd threatened him with the knife he had in his room.
I was scared, and I regretted it and still do but I gave in to him.
He'd lock me in his cuboard in the dark for hours sometimes. I'd scream, and he'd come in and slap me. He'd pin me down and strip me and all sorts, maybe I shouldn't go into detail.
I sufffered with him from the age of six to the age of 11. It emotionally scarred me, even though it probably shouldn't be that much of a big deal.
There was an over lap, one of my friends, a girl this time, decided to take advantage of me from the age of nine to the age of 11 too.
I partly forgot about it for a long time, my mind just blocked out all the emotional pain it was causing me, untill I started liking boys and then the memories just flashed back at odd times and every time I got close to anyone I'd get scared.

but, confusion lead to self harm, then someone reported that they'd seen it to their parents, their parents told the school, the school sent a letter to my mum and that was a really bad day for me. I told her a lot. My dad came over and said "you know, it's natural to experiment he didn't mean anything by it" but really, it didn't help at all.

Uggh, here it goes.. "My love tragedies."
I really really liked this boy, easter last year. I was obsessed, I couldn't stop thinking about him, but I never saw him anywhere other than that holiday, and he never came on msn. I was distraut, I went a bit crazy waiting for him to just, apear back in my life. My friend liked him too, she said that it was my fault he didn't want to go out with HER. and so, my reputation of 'stealing boyfriends' arose.
but, i have to say he was the only guy i'd seen in ages at the time since I go to a girls school and use to have little contact with boys.. so it was kind of all "omg, " at the time.
My friend told me about thos guy she had a crush on, Ashley.
I bumped into him one day, and randomly started to talk to him. He was kind of friendly to me, and in the end, him and I hung out a lot and then, well, at the time we called it 'love' but now he doesn't think it was. I know I loved him, because if I didn't it wouldn't still hurt. All the arguements we had, all the missunderstandings. Last november was the nicest month that I can remember. I would hang around with his friends, and actually come to think of it, I'd not exactly been accepted by anyone but him and a couple of his friends. I got with ashley about this time last year, or about a week later than this. and just recently all his little habbits and memories of last year keep coming back to me ._. and it actually kills.
then, it ended because I thought he was cheating on me, but he wasn't but then he did in the end. He claimed to still love me after but I was still too hurt to take him back.
My mum banned me from talking to him, because I would finish talking to him every day in tears.
My sister and him got close, he wasn't meant to be in my house, but there he was. Newyear I spent in my room, talking to people on gaia instead of my parents.
He's going out with my sister, over 6 months now I should think.
I don't miss him, I'm just sorry for all the ways I hurt him.
Okay, so then I went crazy for another guy [here we go...]
Danny. He listened to me, he liked talking to me, he didn't mind being around me in person if I was so brave as to ask. I miss him. I don't talk to him anymore, I found eight months of being crazy about him way too hard for me to handle emotionally.
While I was still crazy about him, I went out with some other people too.
I suppose some people would say I used them, but I didn't. I was eager to make a relationship work, and see if danny was really the one I wanted.
All of my relationships since Ashley have been ******** up by a guy called matt [not the same one as before.] that I met through a friend half way through one of my relatioships.
Matt wouldn't talk to me unless I was in a relationship, and all he'd ever talk to me about was how amazing I was.. He'd follow me when I told him not to. He'd try to talk to me even though I told him to not have contact with me. He would try to kiss me when I was already in a relationship.
He beat me up when I wouldn't go out with him, but I wasn't really scared, apart from I couldn't move, breathe, laugh, cough or cry because the blow to my ribs hurt so much. He tried to hold my hand when I told him I didn't want to. He kissed me when he was going out with people and I wasn't even though I told him I wasn't interested. I knwo I could have pulled away, but I was a bit scared about him trying to hurt me again.
One time, I stupidly let him in my house, we went to my room and he sat away from the bed because I didn't want him coming near the bed while I was on it.. he got pissed off and said he'd leave if I didn't let him on the bed, I just let him on, i was trying to do my work but he'd insisted he needed to get out of the house. I put my laptop down, because he was looking at everythign I was doing, and just sat to talk to him for a while. [this was at the time when he actually had a girlfriend] He grabbed my arm and pinned me down on the bed. He was half on top of me with his face about 7 cm away from mine. I was horrified. I told him calmly to get off and said if he did that again he'd have to leave. He did it again, and I told him to get the ******** out of my house. I felt used, as I obviously would do in that situation. I'm no longer alowed to speak to him, but he keeps in contact with me through others, asks them questions about me, hangs out with my friends so he can catch a glimps of me.. I'm just waiting untill he can't hold it in anymore, and he does something stupid to me. I'm scared.
I miss how things were last november. I can't stop remembering how happy I was to be around ashley and danny. I miss it, I wish it was still like that. there's no way that it ever will be.
regardless of that, I've found a really good friend, since all of my other 'friends' hate my guts majorly, and I don't need anyone else. And a guy I can trust. I'm hoping things will work. He's really sweet, and I'm hoping my past wont get in the way of things.. He wanted me to mention that he's increddibly sexy which he is whee
my life could have been so much worse, yet I just think about how bad it is already. How ungratefull, huh.
I'm just hoping to find people who'll understand.

SummerySky- Tinie.