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too long... i didnt read it. XD lol


BUMP!!!!

It was different, but I liked it. Definitely need more info... There were a couple of sentence fragments and the second time you used the word "spider-like" you forgot to use a hyphen. But there was definitely too much info for two paragraphs. Draw it out more, enjoy your topic and add specifics as you go. It just moved a little too fast.

@Jugglernaut: What do you mean "the registry?"

oh ...its longer than this
i have about 7 chapters done, and each chapter gets longer and longer...in WORD. its almost 30 pages i think. i just wanted to know if ppl were interested in it

and in chapter 2 i get into the real story. thats just the action filled first scene, so you get a hint as to whats happening through the story. and when i type. i sometimes make spelling errors my bad sweatdrop english is my worst subject.

CHAPTER 2



It was a nice day out. It was the first day of spring in the Year 2008, the birds were singing, children were playing… too bad this would all come to an end in a matter of days…

… under the ground a beast, insane with rage lies in wait…waiting for its natural born enemy to come for her like they do every hundred years, too bad that this time she senses this battle, will end the war...

… It was a normal day in Putnam New York, and Dan Fischer an average man about six foot one, a little skinny, with dark medium length hair, was checking his mail. It was a Monday, of course. He hated Mondays, it was payday, but his check never came on time.
Dan was still haunted by his past experience. No one believed him when he said he felt different after the abduction, because no one believed him about the abduction. He chased those thoughts from his head.

Dan made his way back to his house where he stupidly left the stove burner on, burning his eggs. “Damn it.” he muttered. “Guess its McDonalds today.” He said almost laughing at himself. He left the house, locked the door and went to his car. He was far from the richest in town, but he didn’t care. Neither did his best friend John. John was the only person who believed Dan because they were friends since they were kids, and John knows Dan has been sober his whole life.

Dan started the car and pulled out of his drive way. On the way he noticed something odd. The cows at the farm next door were acting strange. He decided to check it out. His friend Bill owned the land and they were buddies he figured it would be ok to check out what was wrong.

Upon arrival Dan almost lost his, whatever the last meal he ate was. He wasn’t sure at the moment. He wasn’t even sure what he was looking at. What he thought he saw was a cow on its side with a whole in its stomach like it had given birth, the hard way. Next to the bloody mess of beef was a curled up creature. It looked like a genetic experiment gone wrong, or worse. It resembled a crab, or a spider with a tail. It looked dead. But Dan was no biologist, so he didn’t bother testing his theory.

Dan left the scene in a hurry, not knowing what to do. Tell Bill? When? Tell the town? What do I say? Disease? Parasite? All these questions flew through his head at the same time, yet almost as if he had three minds, he managed to handle the questions himself. He wanted to tell someone, but who? Who besides john would believe him?

Then that’s when it hit him like a ton of bricks. “Duh, I gotta tell John!” he shouted to himself while speeding down the road past McDonalds.

hm...once again, its the matter of description. I like the plot, how ur coming up on the idea, but if u add more words that make the reader experience the actual feeling as if they were the ones doing all of that. got it? =3 i can help u (half) rewrite it if u want ^^ just my suggestiong, u don needa take it ^^

lol alright. but if u don mind, to save me some trouble, can u pm chapter 2 to me so i don hafta keep looking bak here? cuz its a pain when ur not a member and hafta search up the guild everytime u wanna see it xD

i see we moved the thread to the sub forum, nice job cap'n =D