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 Posted: Mon Sep 26, 2005 9:11 am
To those forgotten I say
those should rejoice this day
For you now have been given a second chance
Go out this day and start anew
Paint your pictures
Sing your songs
Make right what you have made wrong
I have the power to set you free
I hold the key to your destiny
There is but one thing that can stop you now
For you see
I cant remember where I put the key
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Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 6:18 pm
It's a cute poem, but because the last line is supposed to be humorous, I think you would do best by going back and making a rhyme scheme. Rhymed poetry is such a lost art, but I love it more than anything. I think this poem would be so great if you made all the lines rhyme(in pairs or ABAB or AABB or whatever). Anyway, I'm just not sure this poem has a strong enough emotional pull to stand without a rhyme to attract attention. Besides, rhyming some parts and not others, it makes you see lazy. wink Sorry.
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Posted: Sun Oct 02, 2005 9:41 am
Interesting poem, but the humour at the end was lost because of the lack of rhythm. Try adding punctuation to emphasize the end also. Since it seems the end is the 'hook' in this piece, you need to make sure it sticks out a lot. Also, the rhyme scheme was a bit confusing, but you might have wanted that (it did make the piece interesting). It's good, but I think with a bit more work you could make it into a great piece.
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Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 8:55 am
i need to work on it but i keep putting it off.
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Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 8:43 pm
narotsky cater To those forgotten I say those should rejoice this day For you now have been given a second chance Go out this day and start anew Paint your pictures Sing your songs Make right what you have made wrong I have the power to set you free I hold the key to your destiny There is but one thing that can stop you now For you see I cant remember where I put the key hehe neat poem smile I enjoyed it smile
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Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 9:02 pm
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Posted: Sat Oct 22, 2005 7:27 am
I say about a seven out of 11.
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