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 Posted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 3:54 pm
Waves crashed against the shoreline. Each one sounding as they fell into themselves and crashed into the shore. The whitecaps of them climbing up and hitting the sand then pulling them back in clearing the shoreline of any marks.
Marcus was there. Each wave crashing onto the shoreline cooling off his feet from the hot sand below him. His long jet black hair blew with the wind. He looked up at the sun, and squinted his eyes as it was too bright. It was like it was his first time at the beach. He turned towards the sand dunes standing high and tall, shifting nearly everyday. They were covered in green plants that were painful when touched by the foot. Even with this knowledge he walked up the jungle of sand and green and let them poke his feet. A faint buzzing noise was heard in the background, it got louder, and louder. He could sense it was coming closer. He looked up and saw his room again. He was dreaming.
He hit the alarm clock to turn it off. He lay there on his bed wondering why the incident had happened. Why did the earth have to be evacuated. He pressed a small button on his night stand that turned on a light in the room and opened a small closet in the side of the room, not that his room was any bigger than the closet, only able to fit his bed, a nightstand, and a small kitchen.
His home was a space station just off the planet Mars, now renamed Earth2(squared) because of the replacement needed for the trillions of people to go. His family and at least a billion other people preferred space to Earth2, because Earth2 was much colder than Earth, not that he remembers earth at all. Know one knew the exact reasoning for why it had happened, or how, they just knew that at lease 100 years ago it happened, and the people could have changed it.
Marcus got dressed into clothes that were considered to be peasants clothes to the rich and middle class at the time. These were of course a pair of jeans, with a T-shirt... all stained and dirty, jeans with holes and all. walked to the door of the room hitting a switch which turned off the light, closed the closet, and opened the door. He walked down the steel corridor to an elevator which would take him 10 stories up to his work place.
"Hey slumbag." a man said to him. Except this was not a man, rather it was a janitor for the station that was green, shaped similar to that of a man though. This man's voice was deep, and very raspy.
"Hey..." he said walking towards a small office cubical. The walls were all steel, rusty steel. The ceiling was exposed revealing a pipe that had been rusty as well, most likely a water pipe... but Marcus had not known.
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Ok That's all I'm putting out there for now...
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Posted: Thu Aug 28, 2008 5:25 pm
Hey I dunno if your accepting comments, if you don't want them, I'll delete them, but:
Good so far, I like where its going man, the cool thing about the whole post apocalypse type stories, the world (in this case earth) is no more, and opens the door for all kinds of possibilities without the saying "but that wouldn't work because"
I'm very excited to see what happens next, and there's not even a full chapter yet, so kudos to ya.
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Posted: Fri Aug 29, 2008 4:51 am
Yeah, comments are enjoyable blaugh I'll get a new post up soon... hopefully!
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Posted: Wed Feb 11, 2009 4:12 pm
So far, the story is going on rather well. Some things to consider though. The Hallowed Mouse Waves crashed against the shoreline. Each one sounding as they fell into themselves and crashed into the shore. The whitecaps of them climbing up and hitting the sand then pulling them back in clearing the shoreline of any marks. Marcus was there. Each wave crashing onto the shoreline cooling off his feet from the hot sand below him. His long jet black hair blew with the wind. He looked up at the sun, and squinted his eyes as it was too bright. It was like it was his first time at the beach. He turned towards the sand dunes standing high and tall, shifting nearly everyday. They were covered in green plants that were painful when touched by the foot. Even with this knowledge he walked up the jungle of sand and green and let them poke his feet. A faint buzzing noise was heard in the background, it got louder, and louder. He could sense it was coming closer. He looked up and saw his room again. He was dreaming. If you really want the beach image to stay in our heads, think about adding more about what he's feeling. Right now all we have is a bunch of description, him waking up, and more description. The beach scene gives you a great opportunity to let the readers get to know the MC (main character) before you get into the plot, and it will add something interesting to the beginning of the story instead of just description. The Hallowed Mouse He hit the alarm clock to turn it off. He lay there on his bed wondering why the incident had happened. Why did the earth have to be evacuated. He pressed a small button on his night stand that turned on a light in the room and opened a small closet in the side of the room, not that his room was any bigger than the closet, only able to fit his bed, a nightstand, and a small kitchen. I also missed the jump from dream to reality for a minute, and I think that maybe if you play it up more that it will help the story. You could do this with something as simple as a section break, or if you dislike that idea, giving us more of his reaction to it, having him think about how annoying the noise is and wanting it to stop while in the dream before it wakes him up. The Hallowed Mouse His home was a space station just off the planet Mars, now renamed Earth2(squared) because of the replacement needed for the trillions of people to go. His family and at least a billion other people preferred space to Earth2, because Earth2 was much colder than Earth, not that he remembers earth at all. Know one knew the exact reasoning for why it had happened, or how, they just knew that at lease 100 years ago it happened, and the people could have changed it. I don't like the idea of Earth2 (squared). Earth2 (squared) to me means better because if it was math, it would be a bigger number which I don't think it's the case because Mars is colder and less hospitaple naturally. I think I like the idea of Earth2 (Earth number two) would be better because is it the second Earth, an Earth that is only Earth because the last one died and if they had any choice in the matter they would still be using the first Earth. The Hallowed Mouse Marcus got dressed into clothes that were considered to be peasants clothes to the rich and middle class at the time. These were of course a pair of jeans, with a T-shirt... all stained and dirty, jeans with holes and all. walked to the door of the room hitting a switch which turned off the light, closed the closet, and opened the door. He walked down the steel corridor to an elevator which would take him 10 stories up to his work place. I don't think that we need you to tell us point blank that his cloths are for the peasants. I think that you're descriptions do most of that for us and all you really need to drive the point home is something along the lines of "torn in a way that had long since been out of fashion." Most of your readers are smart and will be able to make the jump that he's poor. The Hallowed Mouse "Hey slumbag." a man said to him. Except this was not a man, rather it was a janitor for the station that was green, shaped similar to that of a man though. This man's voice was deep, and very raspy. Also, I want more description of this Janitor. All we know is that it's not a man but looks likes one and talks like one. What is it? A robot, an alien? What is it? The Hallowed Mouse "Hey..." he said walking towards a small office cubical. The walls were all steel, rusty steel. The ceiling was exposed revealing a pipe that had been rusty as well, most likely a water pipe... but Marcus had not known. But this story is written dramatically better than some of the things I have read from you, and I think you should really try to continue it. It's coming along fantastically.
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