Welcome to Gaia! ::

Well, I’m finally getting down to something I should have worked on for myself for a long time.

To start things off I got a card on my birthday from my mom, which was almost a week ago. It was left where I would see it. It had a lot of mushy stuff in it about how proud she was of having me for a son and everything and I felt a little uncomfortable and a little special. I described it as embarrassing to someone and that wasn’t quite the word for it. So I got down to the point where I was told that it was because I didn’t feel like I deserved it or that didn’t feel special inside. So for the first thing I’ve got to start feeling this way about myself. I can’t accept people thinking this way about me, because I don’t feel that way about me.

Another thing is that when I communicate with someone, I don’t show much emotion. Like when I’m told of a family tragedy, I don’t respond to the message the way I think I should. It’s like a quite, “Oh my,” or whatever. Or the opposite like when someone in the family is finally doing better, it’s like a simple “that’s good” with no emotion. You see I can’t communicate how I feel very effectively. Asberger’s was brought to my attention that was thought to have been seen on my diagnosis sheets or something like that. That never really came to me and I’m not so sure I’m that way. I know how I feel about things on the inside and sometimes I am a little confused about how I feel, but that’s all pretty normal internal feelings. The part that isn’t so good about me is not showing how I truly feel. That kinda points to the first long statement as well.

So, I’m told to start with my mother on how I feel. First off buy her a card, I’m told, that states how I feel and appreciate her. And when I feel okay about doing it, give it to her, send it to her, or leave it where she’ll see it. Not sure I’m ready for that, but really what could it hurt. I’m just scared to death, but of what? I don’t have any real deep relationships with people outside the net, if even the net counts. And I can’t have one unless I can first have one deep relationship with someone, family, friend, whomever.

At this rate, it’ll take forever for me to find a girlfriend, because a girl needs to know where she’s at, how you feel and everything. I feel I could do that, but somehow I don’t feel it at the same time. I’m scared, i feel unworthy, but at least I have some direction.

Hm, I have similar problems of expressing myself, though unlike you I find I have a difficult time identifying my emotions. Sometimes other people point them out for me before I even know what I am feeling. It's something I've consciously been working on for awhile now, doing "internal checking," as I've started having physical problems related to emotions I'm not recognizing, and that's something I obviously don't want to escalate.

It's possible you are having deeper emotions than you realize, personally I felt like I was nearly emotionless for a long time, and still I feel like my emotional experiences are somewhat limited or dulled compared to the average person, but at least now I know that they are there.

Expressing myself I always feel like I'm forcing it or faking it. I understand how you feel, and I've been chastised for sounding disinterested or just seeming like I didn't care in response to people. Learning different scripts can help, and I find myself often falling back on idioms or "cliches" to help express what I am thinking or to show care for people. For example, once my father told me my grandmother was in the hospital because she hurt her ankle, and I just said "Oh." He got angry and told me I should at least ask if she was ok, so now I remember that in situations like that I should always express concern over the person (Ask if they are ok, ask what happened, etc). I try to make sure I put some sort of intonation into my voice, as well. Typically my voice is rather flat though I am told I do have a slight tone to it at least.

Maybe you are afraid to express yourself because of fear of rejection, you have social anxiety issues so it seems that may be part of your problem. It could also be Asperger's, not everyone with AS has trouble identifying their emotions, it can just be trouble with emotional expression, like you have described, too. You may be afraid because this is new and it is confusing and difficult.. you don't know exactly what to do or what the outcome may be. With Asperger's it's hard to know what to do in social situations, and it can be hard to express oneself in general. That sort of uncertainty can lead to a lot of fear and anxiety about such situations.

Do you have a good relationship with your mother? I think if so that these steps you are going to take with the card are a good idea. I always find it easier to express myself in text rather than aloud, myself, because you can plan it out, and you don't have to worry about being interrupted or how to respond if the person tries to derail your train of speech. Maybe you can eventually work your way up to sharing your feelings with your mother aloud, either on the phone or in person, once you become comfortable doing it in text. If this works out for you, you can try the same process with other people, as well. If your concern is a girlfriend, I'm sure a girl would appreciate a kind note telling you how you feel about her (provided she shares your feelings, anyway). If you explain to her that it is difficult for you to express such things, hopefully she'll be patient with you, so long as you are trying, at least.

The card is signed "love, Josh =)" and put in her sewing room, where it may take a few days or even tomorrow when she'll see it.