|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2005 11:18 am
I wrote a new poem recently, please be honest. All comments will be well appreciated.
Table for One
I am here, all alone.
Listening to the bustle, the natural coversation,
The content drones.
But are we that satisfied?
That life is like this.
Growing old, working to survive, our first kiss.
Can one's company be surely better?
Staring outside at the clouds as they become
Heavier and wetter.
I can't open up in here, could be bad luck,
But then why dwindle out there in the dirt
And muck.
I light my cigeratte with a deck of cards.
To understand the trickery and work out
The mars which is life, to figure out that only me
Is supposedly,
The lucky one, the girl who cares for everyone,
Anyone.
And forget herself, upon an empty shelf.
Building up the dust.
Just
Focusing on what should be done.
What must.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2005 3:06 pm
This is a brilliant poem, and it's well written. The only thing I would suggest is to try for a stronger ending. Your poem starts out very straightforward and strong, and then it seems to dwindle towards the end. Oh, and cigarette is spelled with an a, not an e. That's all I really see in way of this poem. I liked it, and I'd very much like to see more.
Happy Scribing,
:Nesce.:
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Sep 29, 2005 6:07 am
Thank you so much for that comment! I really appreciate it. This was my first poem where I used rhyming words, the rest of my poetry has had none at all. So I think I should stick to some rhyming pattern for the future.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2005 9:35 pm
That's a really good poem. I agree with the person above. You know your rhyming is good. 3nodding um... I didn't get cliches in this (I hate cliches... I use them and I hate them stressed )) So that's really good. GOOD JOB!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
WeetzieBat rolled 1 4-sided dice:
1
Total: 1 (1-4)
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 8:28 pm
i like this poem too... i usually hate poems, but that's probably because they're mostly about love and death and all depressing... it does get on my nerves, eventually. But this one is different, your small rhymes don't sound forced and i like what it's about. It doesn't suffocate me with conformity...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
