The Joke's on YOU! | Page 1 | Games & Contests | Guild Forums

Christombal

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Posted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 1:48 am

This thread is dedicated to humor. Any good jokes you hear, you make sure to post them here. I'll start with this:

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, ARE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE IS A BEEPING SOUND. THE FIRST YOUNG WOMAN PRESSES HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPS. THE OTHERS LOOK AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAYS. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RINGS. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTS HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE'S FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINS, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FEELS VERY LOW -TECH BY NOW. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDES SHE HAS TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPS OUT OF THE SAUNA AND GOES TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNS WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS ARE STARING AT HER, EYEBROWS RAISED.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAYS.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!

Posted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 5:28 pm

rofl That's a good one!

Here's mine: What do you call the last three hairs on a dog's tail?

Answer: Dog Hairs! rofl

My mom read that in one of my joke books when I was a kid and thought it was so funny. She told everyone she knew and everyone she met. I guess because it's so obvious, but yet when you ask it you don't think it is.

Atomic Pixie7
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.WayneZinok.

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Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 12:47 am

That one amused me.

Hm... I generally never hear or tell those kinds of jokes. I'm more of the inside joke/witty comment sort of a chick.

But I do have a soft spot for sexist jokes. (If you're going to be offended, don't read them.)

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?

A: None. It should be open by the time she brings it.

Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

A: When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 8:26 pm

Those are pretty funny! blaugh

I love blonde jokes-

A blonde's neighbor kept noticing her run out to her mailbox about every five minutes to check for mail, finally the neighbor asked her, "Why do you keep running out here checking you mail like that?" The blonde says "My computer keeps telling me I've got mail! Stupid computer, it doesn't know anything! Every time I come out here and check my mailbox it is empty." blaugh

Atomic Pixie7
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Christombal

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Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 8:30 am

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "OK Les Give me the bottle opener."

"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."

Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"

Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.

Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........

"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F**KING GOING!"

Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 9:26 am

Bad Dog, Put Fluffy Back

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?' The guy stammers and says, 'Um...no...um...what happened?'. The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!'

rofl rofl rofl

Atomic Pixie7
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Only Sometimes

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Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 12:10 am

Alright so I like stupid humor and here is a taste of it:

Q: What did the brown chicken say to the brown cow?
A: Brown chicken brown cow (bow chika wow wow)

Q: What kind of pants did Mario and Luigi wear?
A: Denim denim denim

Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 8:28 pm

O.k., this joke is pretty much me even if I'm not P.M.S.ing! This is my life and welcome to it! rofl

P.M.S.

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if, by some miracle, they actually found the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged across two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE RUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THIS HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS....

I'm sorry... what did you ask me?

rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl

Atomic Pixie7
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PiercedPixie2

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Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 10:56 am

OKay here's one guys, my first one.....

So there were 2 muffins in the oven, and one muffin tells the other 'It's hot as hell in here' and the other says 'OMG its a talking muffin!]

LAWWLL

xd

Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 8:52 pm

Billy and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy told Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again.
Last year, you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again."
Lester asks Billy, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy says, "This year, I'm taking Marie with me."

Christombal

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Christombal

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Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 6:52 pm

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how they determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well" said the director "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub".
" Oh I understand" said the visitor." A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup".
" No" said the director, "A normal person would pull out the plug. "Do you want the bed near the window?"

Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 8:03 pm

Eddie wants desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.. but she's dating someone else.
One day Eddie gets so frustrated that he goes to her and says,
"I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you"....The girl looks at him and says,'NO!'
Eddie says, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thinks for a moment and says that she'll consult with her boyfriend...so she calls him and explains the situation.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agrees and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks "What happened?" Still breathing hard, she manages to reply,
"The b*****d -gasp- had all quarters!"

Christombal

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Atomic Pixie7
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Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 4:53 pm

40 Fun things to do in an elevator

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, 'Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!'

2. Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly.

3. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

4. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

5. Shave.

6. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: 'Got enough air in there?'

7. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

8. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

9. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

10. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

11. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go 'plink' at the bottom.

12. Do Tai Chi exercises.

13. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: 'I've got new socks on!'

14. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, 'Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!'

15. Meow occasionally.

18. Frown and mutter 'gotta go, gotta go' then sigh and say 'oops!'

19. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

20. Sing 'Mary had a little lamb' while continually pushing buttons.

21. Holler 'Chutes away!' whenever the elevator descends.

22. Leave a box between the doors.

23. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

24. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers 'through' it.

25. Start a sing-along.

26. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask 'is that your beeper?'

27. Play the harmonica.

28. Say 'Ding!' at each floor.

29. Lean against the button panel.

30. Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the red buttons.

31. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

32. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your 'personal space.'

33. Bring a chair along.

34. Blow spit bubbles.

35. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

36. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

37. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

38. Wear 'X-Ray Specs' and leer suggestively at other passengers.

39. Stare at your thumb and say 'I think it's getting larger.'

40. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler 'Bad touch!'

I got this list off another website. Thought this would be funny to do if I ever had the nerve. blaugh My husband and son would do them without even thinking twice! rofl

Posted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 4:50 pm

Married Life

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress,
chatting about their relationships decide to amaze their men....that
night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and a mask
over their eyes .
>>
>> After a few days they meet again...
>>
>> The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend
came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He
said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all
night long.'
>>
>> The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office.
I
was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had
wild sex all night.'
>>
>> The married woman said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at
my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes.

My husband came in from work, grabbed
the TV controller and a beer,
and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

lil nefeli

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Granny E

6,100 Points

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Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 11:59 am

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'

A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
'Disregard.' He says, 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

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