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Psychotic Maniacal Sanity
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 Posted: Thu Sep 29, 2005 8:38 am
Mmk I wrote this for a competition in the writers forum... What do you think? I still love you.
-Chess <3 "You unfaithful whore!" I felt a sharp stab of pain slice through my face as Christopher drew his arm back to hit me again. "No Chris! Please! Don't!" Another slice of pain cut through my right cheek and I cried out in anger and humiliation. "You! Don't you talk to me! You filthy slut!" I reached out to him, to calm him. I knew deep down he didn't mean it, he wasn't thinking straight. "Don't touch me Ella?" He spat, "You betrayed me. You betrayed your daughter, you have disgraced this family!" He beat me again then, harder this time. I felt his ring hand slide over my face, creating long jagged lines of wet blood. "Chris! Please! I swear to God I never touched another man! You know I wouldn't!" "I don't know anything about you any more." He growled at me and shoved me away from him. I fell to the floor, sobbing. The pain shot through my skull, making me dizzy and sick. Christopher kicked me while I lay there aiming for my stomach. I managed to move in time, and his blow bounced off my right shoulder instead. I cried out in anguish. "Why would I lie to you? My love!" I knew he'd just try to hurt me more, but the question had to be asked. "What did I do?" "What did you do? What did you do? Are you crazy woman! You've lain with another man!" Christopher, my husband, shouted in anger. His handsome features twisted in a frightening mask of hatred and resentment. "But, Chris! I did not! I would never do such a thing! This babe is yours!" "A child of the devil shall never reside in my home. You can take Kaia and get out of here. You belong here no longer!" With that, he marched out of our bedroom and slammed the door behind. "Chris!" I protested. The child within my body was his, and he knew it. It was just the illness talking. If I could just hang on until he had cleared his head, surely he'd reconsider. Our daughter, Kaia was too young to be without a father. Where would we go? My brother, Nicholas had stayed with my daughter and I while Christopher was away on business, something to do with the queen's court... When Chris returned, he found Nicholas curled up with me on the bed. Nothing happened! He was comforting me; I missed my husband so badly! But Christopher wouldn't listen. He flew into a rage, and hadn't been talking to me since... Until now... I knew that Chris didn't believe me, only because he didn't want to believe me. So, I lay in silence until the noise outside grew quiet, the sounds of carts and horse-drawn wagons passing silenced and darkness blew out the flame of my candle. I cried for him. It wasn't his fault that he was ill. And there was nothing that could be done. The cuts would heal soon, and he hadn't hurt our daughter, or the unborn child. Tomorrow everything would be normal. * Morning sunlight pierced my dark hideout beside the bed. I stretched and sat up, looking around. My tender cheek was throbbing from Chris' blows to my face, but that wasn't what made me wince; I gasped when I saw what greeted me. Christopher was sat dozing on the bedside chair, his dark hair falling over his drawn out features. He looked so peaceful like that, so angelic. I knew he wouldn't hurt me. Not after what had happened the night before. He'd be tired. I got up slowly, the dizziness from the pain in my cheek and shoulder fading slowly. My whole right side ached from all the hurt he'd caused. But it didn't stop me from loving him. My dear, dear husband was sleeping as softly as a babe. "Chris?" I asked softly, laying my hand on his shoulder. He opened his eyes and looked up at me. "Ella, my love. How is your face? That was a pretty nasty fall you took the other day." He couldn't remember anything. Ever since we married, he had always blocked the bad things that happened. He never remembered anything bad. The doctors said it was part of his condition. "It hurts a little, love. I'll be okay... Did you sleep well?" I asked, staring into his deep blue eyes lovingly. How I loved this man. Though he may hurt me, his love was here, in my heart; and that's where it would always be. Forever. "I did. I dreamt of you, and the new child. I was thinking we should call him Jesse..." I laughed softly. "It's a girl, love." I said. He laughed then, and stood up pulling me close. "All right then. How about Cassandra?" I kissed him on the mouth gently. "I love it..." Then I knew he wouldn't hurt me... But maybe he would fall ill again. I knew that I would always be there for him, with all my heart. And so would his family. His daughters. His life. "I'm glad." With those two words he uttered, I felt my life slot back into place. He shouldn't have hit me. But how could I blame him? I have always loved him, what would make then any different? I knew what was most important. The love in this family was much stronger than any physical pain endured. And Kaia, our daughter was safe. Maybe tomorrow would be a better day.
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Posted: Thu Sep 29, 2005 8:28 pm
Krell shakes his head softly, then speaking alound.
"writing is alittle rough at points, also I like the over all theme, reminds me alot of a few I've written"
-Overall 7 of 10-
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Psychotic Maniacal Sanity
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Posted: Fri Sep 30, 2005 10:53 am
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Posted: Sun Oct 02, 2005 12:06 pm
Over all, not bad.
This line, though, I had a bit of a hard time believing.
"What did you do? What did you do? Are you crazy woman! You've lain with another man!" Christopher, my husband, shouted in anger. His handsome features twisted in a frightening mask of hatred and resentment.
"But, Chris! I did not! I would never do such a thing! This babe is yours!"
"A child of the devil shall never reside in my home. You can take Kaia and get out of here. You belong here no longer!" With that, he marched out of our bedroom and slammed the door behind.
The way he speaks is too well-worded. He's mad, insane, and still speaking in conversation style? You need to drop the level of writing down, becuase people don't speak well when they're angry, understand? LIke the womna, saying, "This baby is yours." It would probably sound more like, "I'm having your baby, damnit!" Or, if you want, cut out the cursing.
Anyway, over all it was a good story, but it was a bit too short to make the reader understand everything. The fact that you didn't say what exactly was wrong with Chris or why she and Chris went out of town while Nick watched their daughter bothered me. I think you might need to go back and explain things a little better.
Still, this story is a lot better than most I see posted around (not particularly in this forum) and I'd give you a 7/10 as well.
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Posted: Sun Oct 02, 2005 5:11 pm
I actually thought this piece was really good, especially the dialogue. From your mention of horse-drawn carriages I'm assuming this is about sixteen or seventeen hundreds, so the dialogue you used would definately fit into that time period. I also like how you formed the setting without going into too much detail. Some parts were a little bumpy, like when she was talking about her brother (I had to read it twice to understand, but maybe it's just me, I am really tired), but I liked the story a lot.
I just wanted to know if the main character was suppose to seem dedicated to a fault, or if this is one of those love overcomes all stories- I wasn't very sure, but I kind of felt it was the first.
Overall, very good job! Keep up the good work!
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Posted: Mon Oct 03, 2005 9:13 am
Cereah I actually thought this piece was really good, especially the dialogue. From your mention of horse-drawn carriages I'm assuming this is about sixteen or seventeen hundreds, so the dialogue you used would definately fit into that time period. I also like how you formed the setting without going into too much detail. Some parts were a little bumpy, like when she was talking about her brother (I had to read it twice to understand, but maybe it's just me, I am really tired), but I liked the story a lot. I just wanted to know if the main character was suppose to seem dedicated to a fault, or if this is one of those love overcomes all stories- I wasn't very sure, but I kind of felt it was the first. Overall, very good job! Keep up the good work! I guess you're right about the dedicated to a fault thing. Thanks for the comments! ^^
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Psychotic Maniacal Sanity
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Posted: Tue Oct 04, 2005 12:20 pm
I wasn't going to edit this, but... it was the only way I was gonna read it. Again, these are just Queeny's suggestions. take 'em or leave 'emQuote: "You unfaithful whore!" I felt a sharp stab of pain slice through my face as Christopher drew his arm back to hit me again. Quote: "No Chris! Please! Don't!" Another slice of pain cut through my right cheek and I cried out in anger and humiliation. Quote: "You! Don't you talk to me! You filthy slut!" [New line] I reached out to him, to calm him. I knew deep down he didn't mean it, he wasn't thinking straight. Quote: "Don't touch me Ella?" He spat, "You betrayed me. You betrayed your daughter, you have disgraced this family!" He beat me again then, harder this time. I felt his ring hand slide over my face, creating long jagged lines of wet blood. Quote: "I don't know anything about you any more." He growled at me and shoved me away from him. {new line} I fell to the floor, sobbing. The pain shot through my skull, making me dizzy and sick. Christopher kicked me while I lay there aiming for my stomach. I managed to move in time, and his blow bounced off my right shoulder instead. I cried out in anguish. Quote: "Why would I lie to you? My love!" I knew he'd just try to hurt me more, but the question had to be asked. "What did I do?" Quote: "What did you do? What did you do? Are you crazy woman! You've lain with another man!" [new line]Christopher, my husband, shouted in anger. His handsome features twisted in a frightening mask of hatred and resentment. Quote: "But, Chris! I did not! I would never do such a thing! This babe is yours!" Quote: "A child of the devil shall never reside in my home. You can take Kaia and get out of here. You belong here no longer!" With that, he marched out of our bedroom and slammed the door behind. Quote: "Chris!" I protested. The child within my body was his, and he knew it. It was just the illness talking. If I could just hang on until he had cleared his head, surely he'd reconsider. Our daughter, Kaia was too young to be without a father. Where would we go? Quote: My brother, Nicholas had stayed with my daughter and I while Christopher was away on business, something to do with the queen's court... When Chris returned, he found Nicholas curled up with me on the bed. Nothing happened! He was comforting me; I missed my husband so badly! But Christopher wouldn't listen. He flew into a rage, and hadn't been talking to me since... Until now... Quote: I knew that Chris didn't believe me, only because he didn't want to believe me. So, I lay in silence until the noise outside grew quiet, the sounds of carts and horse-drawn wagons passing silenced and darkness blew out the flame of my candle. I cried for him. It wasn't his fault that he was ill. And there was nothing that could be done. The cuts would heal soon, and he hadn't hurt our daughter, or the unborn child. Tomorrow everything would be normal. * Quote: Morning sunlight pierced my dark hideout beside the bed. I stretched and sat up, looking around. My tender cheek was throbbing from Chris' blows to my face, but that wasn't what made me wince; I gasped when I saw what greeted me. Christopher was sat dozing on the bedside chair, his dark hair falling over his drawn out features. He looked so peaceful like that, so angelic. I knew he wouldn't hurt me. Not after what had happened the night before. He'd be tired. Quote: I got up slowly, the dizziness from the pain in my cheek and shoulder fading slowly. My whole right side ached from all the hurt he'd caused. But it didn't stop me from loving him. My dear, dear husband was sleeping as softly as a babe. "Chris?" I asked softly, laying my hand on his shoulder. He opened his eyes and looked up at me. "Ella, my love. How is your face? That was a pretty nasty fall you took the other day." He couldn't remember anything. Ever since we married, he had always blocked the bad things that happened. He never remembered anything bad. The doctors said it was part of his condition. Quote: "It hurts a little, love. I'll be okay... Did you sleep well?" I asked, staring into his deep blue eyes lovingly. How I loved this man. Though he may hurt me, his love was here, in my heart; and that's where it would always be. Forever. Quote: "I'm glad." With those two words he uttered, I felt my life slot back into place. He shouldn't have hit me. But how could I blame him? I have always loved him, what would make then any different? I knew what was most important. The love in this family was much stronger than any physical pain endured. And Kaia, our daughter was safe. Maybe tomorrow would be a better day.
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Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2005 10:47 am
I think it is great, you should edit a bit of the things you wrote, but altogether, I give this a 8/10!!!
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Psychotic Maniacal Sanity
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Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 1:00 pm
Thanks everyone... I'll go back and edit it when I can be bothered <3 I'm just so tired right now.. >_<
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Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 1:35 pm
The story is pretty well written, but vague. However, I like the vagueness of it. It leaves the reader wondering what, why, how, etc. I'm not going to number rate it, but I like it. Nice job.
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Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 8:24 am
I guess I should say why I gave it a five. In comparison to some of your other work, I felt you were a bit tired when writing this... maybe I was too when writing my review cos I'm not speaking much english there!?!
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Posted: Sat Oct 29, 2005 1:57 pm
Since this topic has already been edited, I'll leave all of that alone.
I really enjoyed this piece; in that disturbing sort of way that it made my flesh crawl. I love the way it's dated; and I love that "illness" or implied madness is given to excuse Christopher's violence. I wonder whether it's really one of the two, or that he simply blocks out all recollection of his abuse. And Ella's adoration of him, her excuse making, is the most frightening part. Some things never change, ne? Women today make the same excuses when they're beaten.
Over all, I loved it!
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The Bookwyrm Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 6:01 pm
wow i really like this. It is well written and just so emotional and moving.
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