Welcome to Gaia! ::

Where do I start? OK, ever since I was little I never had more than one friend and that said friend and I will stop being friends usually and end up hating each other. From the 2nd to 6th grade, I was the ugly, fat girl no one liked who crushed on people, and acted immature beyond imagination. I was bossy and a compete cry baby. My dad was always busy with work and my mom, she was a b***h, it was perfection with cleaning and of course yelling.
In the summer after 6th grade, I made online friends who didn't last long just as if irl friends. I also got into anime and then by 7th grade, I met people who were also into anime and we were friends immediately. Brooke, Allison, and Rachel; everything was going on great, really, then November came. I brought Brooke with me to my first convention and we had fun, but I did go see other people being how I was. I made more friends as well, but then after she slept over at my place it changed A LOT.
Brooke told Brittney I was annoying and she didn't like me, I cried pretty much. Then I (online) accused Brooke and she said she did say such things, then I went with a month till she decided to pretend to be my friend. The next day, none of the girls wanted me sitting with them at lunch, I barely talked and usually when I did it was to compliment or talk about anime. Anyways, the next day they made Brittney say for all of them that they hated me.
Brooke also had to move or go to a different school. Her parents didn't like me apparently, but they are both police and strict. Or possibly they did like me, but Brooke was just doing her thing. This is because I went onto gaia at her house on her computer. A guy wanted to beat me up too for it and so, more people hate me. Then it changed so that it was Allison who used us, but she never used me; Brittney said for money, but Allison never asked anything out of me. Then these guys think I'm retarded and ask me out because they are being paid to, but with how I am, I figured it out.
It was the first time I wanted to die. I went through life so much being hated, for once I felt as if there was hope. Then I spent time at another table of people that I never hang with and we never became friends, we were just people that said, 'hi' and 'hey' who had nothing in common. Now, before I said I had online friends, well, we were pretty close and addicted to each other.
After 7th grade, on August 8th, we became gf's. That was the happiest day of my life; it was the last happiest day of my life till the next summer. Her friend talked trash and s**t about me, saying I was a b***h. Being how she was, she didn't tell me because...I don't know. She snapped at me and vented everything bad about me, so I had another person hate me. Then my, 'gf' snapped at me and signed off on me. you see she always complained about her life and I was there for her, but then one night I didn't want to listen to it and say I had enough of dealing with it then she snapped back that she had enough of dealing with me and that I ruined her life.
I don't care if she meant it or not, because I ended up deleting every online friend I had. I became that person that bottle's up, so when I do tell her things she said I was annoying and that she had enough dealing with me. Then when I bottle up she gets mad. She said she wouldn't snap anymore and was sorry, but then she continues. We got into major fights practically every night and I broke up with her then got back together.
It was hell with her and I. I had barely any friends in the 8th grade and then I had no friends. After my last anime convention, I gave up anime. I have been into politics and discussion, been writing things non-anime related and having much more fun with it.
I matured so much, that I could explain so much in paragraphs endlessly. One of my old online friends committed suicide because of me and he had schizophrenia. I have become a bit better physically, thing is I'm big boned, and I have lost lots of weight. Then I am comfortable with myself and most of me, I just feel as if I know who I am and love it. But people still continue to hate me and not want to talk to me or be around me.

I'm known for ruining life's apparently and no matter what, people will always hate me. Rarely anyone ever likes me unless it is online, but I guess that is rare too. Only one person in real life knows this, while others could care less and just go else where. I have tried to make friends in real life, I have joined in clubs, and talked with people. But they either laugh, don't want to be around me, see me as a bad impression(curse), or barely give me a chance.
Someone had asked me why I'm not going to the home coming dance. No one will care and my parents are all, 'I've dealt with that too,k suck it up.' I do suck it up and I bottle up more and more every day. This is why I can't trust anyone anymore and why I mainly depend on myself, but when my parents are all, 'you can tell us' they just say to suck it up and I do. But thing is I'm, tired of it and maybe in the future I could become dead or one of those hgih school shooting kids.

I have so much and so little I want to say and I dont know how to say any of it. emo

1) You have been obviously been through a lot. and I don't want to make you feel worse. However, I feel compelled to say this. If so many ppl have said you ruined there lives, then maybe there is something wrong going on. Outsiders always see in us what we can't see about ourselves. Maybe you should take a second look at yourself.
2) however, I am going to speak based on your perspective, in which you are obviously a victim. Did all this happen in the same school? If so, change schools. If no one wants you around, then just go. They don't know what they're missing out on mrgreen
3) You aren't the only one who feels like this. There are many people who go through horrible experiences at school or where-ever because some people are just plain jerks who have suckkish lives and feel the need to ruin others as well. their subconcious is saying, if I can't be happy then then they can't either.
4) My mother says you meet your real friends in collage, once your all grown up and your done with the teen drama, and your personality has settled down, and you feel comfortable with who you are. There you will meet people with similar interests, be able to connect, and stay friends for a long time. Do you think anyone stays friends with their childhood ones? Rarely. Most of your friends are school ones, and like I said those never stick around. The only reason me and my BFF have been friends for so long is well read the story below and you'll get it. So dont fret, your true friends are waiting to meet you mrgreen
5) Your parents aren't very supportive. While yes sometimes sucking it up is the right solution, you can't keep doing that to yourself. You are a person with feelings too and you have the right to express them. Write a diary. It could help. Or you could vent on here. Sometimes people just want to be heard and when someone who willing to listen comes along, it can make the other quite happy. Like sometimes I'll feel so angry at my sister, so I'll call my BFF, but if she's not there I'll leave her a message saying how stupid and retarded and mean my sis is. It'll be like 2 hours long, but then once I'm done I will feel so much better. Even if we aren't talking directly, she listens to everything I say. Every sad, weird, depressing thing. She'll listen to that 2 hour message and then call me and say I'm glad your feeling better. So, sometimes people just want to be heard, and knowing someone cares and wants to listen can make them feel so much better. I personally don't like to get attached to online friends, however if you feel the need to vent you can post on here and I'll respond. For the time being, I can be your emotional support. I'm sure you will find great friends so long as you remain positive. No one likes to hang with a depressing sad person who always looks dead (me). However I've changed. I am quite the prep but sometimes I think I take it religiously. Anyway,
5) You have already changed yourself so much and in a good way. You quit anime -big thumbs up, you found an interest in politics/writing, and you've joined clubs becoming involved with the real world and other people. There isn't much else you can do except persevere. There are mean ppl out there, but take solace in knowing your one of the good. You know what they say, good things come to those who wait.

Story:
Our dads met by chance at work, liked each other, and invited each other over. Of course, then the families had to join in. Thedifference in age between our mothers and me, my sis, and girl x made it hard to like each other at first. My family is the one with the older ppl. But we were courtious, and as long Dad wanted to invite them over, they came. I was like 5, sis=7, girl x=3. Anyway, years passed and they would come over like every week. We got so close. Girl x would cry every time they had to leave. Me and my sis were so lazy that only time we cleaned in a rush was when my mom said Girl x was coming over. Those were the good days. Then they moved stare I put like this: Things couldn't get any better so they didn't. They got worse. Yet somehow her moving away only made our friendship stronger. Go figure. We didn't start calling each other best friends until like 2 years after she moved or something. Its been 4 years since she moved, no almost 5. I really wish she would move back crying

ummm not sure what else to say sweatdrop

Good Luck though 3nodding

Sweet Days! blaugh
_Secret_Angel_3 heart 4laugh