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If you've never been to www.videogamerecaps.com ; then go. It''s very very funny.

I just finished reading all of the recap for FFX and I laughed so hard I cried. This is a picking of my fave quotes and comments of the Kingdom Hearts Recap that I've provided to spurn you to read this site. (Hey, it's ok to laugh at the games that you may like once in a while.)

Part 1
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Beginning and Island

"Next, Sora (I'm not going to play dumb about his name this time) slowly freefalls through the air, his crown-shaped silver chain necklace in full view of the camera for at least five full seconds. What would a Square hero be without expensive-looking silver jewelry, anyway? This is the part where all you Square fanboys scream, "I MUST HAVE THAT!!! TO EBAY!!!" I think I just saw one for about $100. Go on. You know you want to."

"The falling Sora and the standing Sora suddenly merge into one falling Sora, and he now falls below Square Stereotype #3[Kairi], who shouts with concern...wasn't there a sandy beach there just now? Wait, now it's sky. Now it's water. Sky. Water.
...MAKE UP YOUR ******** MINDS, ALREADY!"

"When he's still left with nothing--because he's an idiot--he makes with the pouty face. Jesus, I can't take this anymore. I could have forgiven the Tidus-like apparel, but he had to go and act like Tidus too. That's it. Sora is now called Tidus, Jr."

""Say, Kairi, what was your hometown like? You know, where you grew up?" Is that bad exposition I smell? Kairi tells Junior that she doesn't remember it, but she'd like to go back there someday. Oh, this is so typical. Brunette chick with a mysterious past that she just doesn't remember. Therefore, Kairi's new name is Token."

"It should be noted that Selphie no longer fights with nunchaku. Rather, her weapon of choice is a...jump rope. It's like watching the new version of E.T. I wonder aloud if Squall's gunblade will later be replaced by a walkie-talkie."

"Pluto appears behind it with a letter in his mouth. A few moments after Donald reads it, he bolts out of the throne room, screaming quack-like obscenities at the top of his lungs. This amuses me, and I decide it warrants a new name for Donald. From now on, we shall call him @%$#!!!."

Part 2
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Traverse Town

"It's a little creature dressed in a blue and red jogging suit, extremely pointy-toed shoes and a metal open helmet. The first thing I say when I see said creature is "Awww!" since he's so cute. Much cuter than that little schmuck that I'll be stuck with for the rest of the damned game. That is so not fair. The little creature spots Junior, and decides that there's no way he's going to deal with a little wanker carrying a Mickey Mouse key, and he vanishes, only to be replaced by a bunch of the little bug things."

"When Junior steps outside the Accessory Shop, all is eerily quiet, and a rather sexy sounding voice says "They'll come at you out of nowhere." I snicker. I'll bet Mr. Mystery Voice knows all about that. Junior asks our Griever wearing Mystery Man who he is, but MM, I mean Squally, er, dammit! Leon ignores him and says "And they'll keep on coming at you, as long as you wield the Keyblade." So that's what you boys are calling Mr. Happy these days? Well, you live and learn, I always say."

"Goofy freaks out and says that they have to go find King Mickey right away, while @#$%!!! reminds him that they need to find "that key". Aeris encourages them by saying "That's right. The Keyblade." And here I was thinking it was some other Mickey Mouse Key of Doom. Collect 'em all!"

"All of a sudden, huge pieces of purple armor fall to the ground, assembling themselves into a very large, very purple fighter. Even the helmet is purple. From here on out, our first boss will forever be known as the "Purple Helmeted Warrior" (tm Jeanne). If you think that sounds dirty, you would be right."

Part 3
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Traverse Town and Wonderland

"Aeris tells Junior, "This is from all of us," and hands him 100 munny. Not to be ungrateful, but that's it? I made more munny than that fighting monsters for two minutes and that's all the three of them could scrape up? Squally must have spent the rest of their savings on eye makeup and roses for Seifer. From Squally and Squally alone, Junior receives an Elixir. God only knows why our favorite brunette bishounen is handing out special gifts to little boys, but I like Squally and I'd rather not approach that subject."

"Junior wonders aloud how to get through since it's too small, and the large doorknob answers that he's too big. All three of them jump back in shock since the doorknob is talking, as if they haven't already encountered strange creatures like the Purple Helmeted Warrior and Wakka."

"How nice of the Heartless to leave their evidence (the Footprints) looking so lovely--I have to wonder at this point if Squally's working for the other side, since no one else we've met up to now has that good a feminine touch. He must be their Official Gift Wrapper...Queen Rosie presents one more pink-and-red box, containing her own evidence that Alice is guilty. Squally's gift-wrapping business looks like it's making a mint."

"The hell with this. I'm watching this tape of my gameplay, and I just realized I don't know WHAT the ******** Junior is doing, because I can't tell the difference between him going the wrong way or the right way. Let's compress the rest of this Bizarre Room puzzle bullshit to the following statement: the room keeps moving around, Junior plays with the teddy bear, and the party wins an elixir and some munny at the Mad Hatter's tea party. The rest is just me making an a** of myself by getting lost and @%$#!!! getting knocked unconscious because he's a p***y. Good? Good."

"Junior, @%$#!!! and Goofy now turn their attention to the Knob, who is still sleepy and yawning. What a lazy b*****d. When he gives a particularly wide yawn, they can see the shiny outline of a keyhole inside his, er, keyhole. Gross. As if it could get any worse, Junior's Keyblade starts going wacky in his hands and points itself erectly at the keyhole. Then--please stop reading if you have a weak stomach--a thin beam of light shoots from the tip of the Keyblade into the keyhole. A distant locking noise is heard. That's right, kids. I think the Knob just made a man out of Junior."

Part 4
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Deep Jungle

"The leopard gets the message and runs off into the forest, breaking a window out of the tree house as a parting shot. A window? WTF? Who's going to carry huge panes of glass up a ******** tree? Oh, yes. Crack-addled game designers, that's who. And anyway, why did the freakin' leopard have to jump out of a non-broken window when there are perfectly good things called "doors" all over the tree house? Oh, dramatic exits. Right. Have another bong, game designers."

"Tarzan, who because of his huge dreadlocks will now be known as Bob, repeats that Junior is looking for Riku and Kairi, his friends, and Junior agrees. And I'm not kidding about the dreadlocks. The damned things are the size of snakes! Give him a fattie and he'd be - well, he'd be a game designer, if you want to know the truth."

"It's at this point that @%$#!!! notices the nice little baby gorilla sitting at his feet. Baby Kong screams, @%$#!!! screams, and Baby Kong buggers the hell off. So would I little one, so would I. As Baby Kong leaves, it looks like he craps something red out onto the ground, which begins to sparkle. @%$#!!! notices and says "Huh?" in that annoying ducky way he's got, intent on going to get the lovely Ruby Turd of Fate. Dude, it's Baby Kong crap. I don't care if it's used in curing cancer and could power a small city for a week, I'm still not touchin' it."

"What do you know? It's Mr. p***k! With him are Goofy and @%$#!!!, and everyone's happy to see everyone else. In fact, Junior and @%$#!!! reunite like long-lost lovers, until they realize that they're still fighting and stuff and separate faster than two football players meeting up in the showers. Oh, go have some sake and screw already, you two. Get it over with. And I've just given yaoi fans another pairing to contend with. Anything to keep sweet, sweet Riku from sullying himself with Junior is quite all right with me."

"@%$#!!! tells our cognitively impaired friend that the RToF could mean that King Mickey could have been here and that they have to work together to find him for now. I guess Kingy-poo wasn't being environmentally conscientious when he left his Gummi Litter around for some poor little Baby Kong to ingest and s**t out at a critically important time in the story line. The Sierra Club would be ripping King Mickey a new a*****e any minute, if they just knew where to find the bigheaded fool."

"Here we find Sabor and yet another fight with the Amazing Dunderheaded Leopard. Once again, Sabor gets his spotted a** kicked. Then Sabor passes out in slow motion, which makes me sad for the poor little kitty. As a reward for his deed, Junior steals one of Sabor's teeth for an item called the White Fang. Boy, this world wants to piss off all the environmentalist groups in one go, doesn't it?"

"The scene cuts out and we come back to the campsite with Baby Kong knuckling his way through the Heartless Flying Monkey Squad for all he's worth. He busts through the opening of the tent and lands right on Jane. It's at this point that HG screamed out "Ah! Monkey a** rape! Baby Kong gonna rape Jane in the butthole!" and I spit chocolate chai everywhere. I'll get him back for that one of these days; you mark my words. That was some damned good chai. And that's it for the Monkey a** Rape scene."

"Junior is disappointed, and Bob continues with a lovely speech about the importance of friends. If you don't have friends, the Heartless will come and eat your soul, according to Bob. That's the way to make the loneliest kid in class feel better, Bob. Geez, why don't you tell him all about the Scissor Man while you're about it, you jerk?"

"Not only that, but Baby Kong starts hitting on Donald. Isn't there medication for this kind of thing? I can only take one Baby Kong butthole rape per recap."

Part 5
------
Coluseum

"@%$#!!! says, then, that Traverse Town will be their next destination. Junior, who had not been listening to any of this important stuff, blurts out that he wants to pilot the Gummi Ship of Intense Star Fox Ripoffery. @%$#!!! tells him to cram it, and didn't we just go through this, children? Junior whines that heeeeeeeeeeee's the Keeeeeeeeeeeyblaaaaaaaade maaaaaaaaaasteeeeeer. Therefore he should get his way all the time and get to fly the ship, @%$#!!! and Goofy's sense of self-preservation be damned. What I wouldn't give for that ship to have a roll of duct tape in the glove compartment...Hopefully this time around, instead of letting them crash the ship, Goofy takes matters into his own hands and brains the both of them with the hilt of the Keyblade."

"Admittedly, this isn't quite as ridiculous as the giant lifeboat hanging off of Deep Jungle, but couldn't the coliseum at least be sitting on a round planet? I suppose, if I want to be fanwank this into making sense, the planet could have been blown up and the coliseum is the only thing left, à la that tiny piece of Planet X that remained in that one Duck Dodgers cartoon. But Occam's Razor tells me that the game designers simply think coliseum-shaped planets are okay. Because THEY'RE ON DRUGS!!!"

"Cloud's Kingdom Hearts incarnation has the same spiked-to-high-heaven hair and angsty, the-world-is-out-to-get-me expression as the original. But New and Improved b***h is sporting a ragged, burgundy cape and a claw hand. And a dozen or so extraneous belts, so his wardrobe can be up-to-date with the newer Final Fantasy characters. The impressed group is speechless. Or maybe their respective gaydars are blaring so madly that they can't think straight and therefore can't speak. Finally, Phil dons the Captain Obvious hat to say "Something tells me he'll be a tough one to beat." No, I think he's just going to lie down for Junior and become his b--oh."

"Herc in Kingdom Hearts is voiced by none other than Sean Astin, known to most of you as Samwise Gamgee and Rudy. I don't know how I can not make fun of that. While Samcules Ruettiger distracts Not-Fluffy, he yells at the others to make like a tree and get out of there. For once, Junior doesn't try to be noble and stay behind to fight. There goes the death scene of my dreams."

"After exhausting every drop of magic from all three party members, and after using my Street Fighter II Chun Li fighting strategy (i.e., jump up and down for five minutes straight), Not-Fluffy finally goes to doggy heaven. Everyone goes up a level, and Junior receives the Inferno Band, a nifty magic defense-boosting accessory. Hooray for killing things!"

"Goofy earnestly asks what it does take to be a hero. I was hoping we'd get a Rudy-esque "If you believe in yourself you can do anything!" or maybe a "We fight because there are things worth fighting for!" à la Sam, but alas, it was not to be. Instead Samcules simply wanks about finding your inner hero yo' damn self, "just like [he] did." You mean, just like he did AFTER he was born with divine power. a**. I just realized that Goofy is the one character in this scene that doesn't deserve to have his eyes pecked out by disease-ridden pigeons, and that makes me sad."

""Just between us, I'd already worn [Not-Fluffy] down by the time the little guy jumped in." Phil and Samcules share a laugh at this, though I'm 100 percent convinced the son of Zeus is totally making that up so he doesn't come off like a complete pantywaist. Backed into a corner with a she-male on his shoulder--sure looked like he was kicking some a**. Get bent, Samcules."

Part 6
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Traverse Town Part Deux

"In front of Junior is a rickety old plank fence with a Red Trinity symbol in the bottom right corner. Junior looks at it a moment, considers his options and in a hedonistic orgy of perversion sends poor @#$%!!! running up to hug the wall as he and Goofy pile in behind. Then, in a scene too foul for words, all three of them hump the wall in one huge thrust, breaking the fence. As a parent of eight wholesome, loving pets, I tell you that this filth is beyond the pale. I am hereby demanding that every store, every home, every Playstation 2 be rid of this foul game at once. You're right. It doesn't sound any better when I do it, and my tongue is starting to hurt as it's wedged so firmly against my cheek. Enjoy the imagery of that last sentence, folks."

"So here we are in the "Secret Waterway". It may be just me, but it sounds like a sexual euphemism. My Mom is a big romance novel reader, and if you spend any time perusing those lofty tomes, you'll see just about every pretty word pressed into service to describe genitalia and sex acts. The advantage to this is that you can then make perfectly innocent phrases sound like they're filthy, especially if you're a prepubescent gay male who can't get any. I can think of quite a few fanfolks that wouldn't mind taking a swim in Squally's Love Canal, but I just can't get past the whole raw sewage thing, not even for tight black leather pants and a big gunblade. Junior spots Squally and once on dry land goes running towards him as we're treated to a lovely shot of Squally practicing his solo sword work. See? I told you! Those perfectly innocent words are mocking you with their secret innuendo."

"Yes, my readers, I not only get to feast my eyes on Squally's belted a**, but I now get to indulge in the sight of sweet, sweet Riku. For this I must later endure the saltwater hell that is Atlantica, but for now you've got a happy recapper on your hands. Junior is obviously thinking the same thing I am and as usual is a** at executing it. To show his love and devotion, he runs up to jam both thumbs into Riku's mouth. Um, can't it wait, Junior? What the hell are you doing to the poor boy anyway? Never mind. Forget I asked."

"Now it's Junior's turn to whine. Heeeeeee'sssss the Keeeeeeyyyyyybbbbblllllaaaadddddeeeee Maaaasssssttttteeeerrrrrr!!!!pudding!!11!!! He runs forward, only to fall on his face. Riku returns the precious Keyblade in an offhand toss, nearly braining poor Junior. Or I should say poor us, since Riku missed and Junior lives. Once back on his feet, Junior assumes that Riku will be interested in taking a little trip in the Gummi Ship of Love. They stare at one another with longing until @#$%!!! rains on their parade in a fit of jealous rage. No, Riku can't have a ride on the Gummi Ship of Love, @#$%!!! quacks. Junior and @#$%!!! argue, Junior whines some more, and only poor sweet Goofy notices Riku's sudden absence. Junior doesn't show as much concern as the situation warrants, the frigid little jade. A cut and pan tells us that Riku hides down another dark alleyway where he can view his former friend with longing and slowly mounting evil intentions."

"Cid tells us that he's installed the navigation gummi on the Gummi Ship of Love and what the hey, he threw in a warp gummi for good measure, so we can now warp to worlds we've been to before instead of flying all the way there. Cid, did I ever tell you that I've got a penchant for scruffy older men? I've got lots of tea, too."

"Our reward for this decisive battle is a level up and the Aero spell. We now control the power of wind! Insert your own fart joke here, after the cannon a** you can rest assured that one's implied."

"Now it's time to lock the Keyhole once and for all. As always, Junior steps up, points his Keyblade at the Keyhole and before you can say "Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am", the deed is done. Junior must've made this particular Keyhole very happy, since it turns back into the lovely butterfly scene instead of a mirror with "You impotent b*****d!" written on it in red lipstick. We get another navigation gummi for our trouble....Still, who convinced the game designers that we wanted gummi pieces as our reward? Whatever happened to good old-fashioned munny, huh? Instead, we get lovely gelatinous cubes that can be taken to Cid along with our munny to build a ship that looks like any other gummi ship and flies like a one-winged albatross in a sling. How is that a reward for a good deed, I ask you? Oh, it's because the game designers hate me. I forgot that for a minute there."

Part 7
------
Agrabah

"On one side of the round planet there's a gigantic Arabian-style palace (all the buildings, of course, are p***s-shaped), while at the opposite pole lies the panther's head-shaped entrance to the Cave of Wonders. I think it's really saying something about this game when I can look at the latter in particular and think, "Eh, it's not that cracked." "

"Jasmine is surprised that they don't know who Jafar is, but two seconds ago she didn't think twice about explaining to these obvious foreigners who she is. The inconsistency in this game is so...consistent. Like a constant, flowing river of bad exposition."

"It has been established that the gunblade is the most phallic weapon ever. But I'd just like to point out right now that neither Squally nor Seifer are ever given the opportunity to plug their gunblades into gunblade-shaped holes. Yet here we are, and Junior has already gotten it on with at least FIVE cavities perfect for his magnum-size key."

"Aladdin was treasure hunting in the Cave of Wonders before they found him. His spoils? The lamp and the magic carpet. Wait, you mean the same magic carpet that Junior found trapped under a dresser? Did the dresser fall out of the sky and pin him? Hi, Consistency, the rest of us are over here."

"Yet there must have been several people, at least, who thought this was a good idea. They're now all on my ever-growing list of People Who Need a Good Crotch-Punching."

"Jafar patiently explains to the fez-sporting love of his life that Jasmine is one of the princesses who will open the door. "Open?" Goofy says, and @%$#!!! finishes, "The doooooooooor?" like it needs extra special emphasis. We haven't heard about that ******** door every five minutes for the last eight hours or anything. "But you fools won't live to see what lies beyond it," Jafar says. Just a guess, but JUNIOR IS GOING TO OPEN THE DOOR. WITH HIS KEY. THAT IS ALSO A BLADE."

"This is, for those of you keeping score at home, the fourth boss battle of the recap. And also the easiest, but that's not going to stop me from bitching. b***h b***h bitchity b***h."

"Maleficent says Jafar was "beyond help, consumed by his own hatred." The metaphorical partner of hatred is daaaaaaaaaarkness, in case you've had your head stuck in a jar for the rest of the game."

Part 8
------
Monstro

"As Monstro turns around for another run at attacking the gummi ship, @%$#!!! quacks, "Whoa! [Junior], get us out of here!" It's at this early point that I begin to lose my composure, because WHY DID @%$#!!! AND GOOFY LET THE LITTLE ******** HAVE HIS WAY?! It just peeves me beyond words that I'm supposed to empathize with the kid who stamps his feet and screams until he gets what he wants, like the eight-year-old boy throwing a wailing tantrum over GI Joes at Toys 'R' Us. ********. Little a*****e."

"Flash forward to the secret cave (ew again), and Mini-Mini-Wank is telling Mini-Riku that they totally can because they're cool and stuff. Mini-Riku is...AWW. AWW. I can't continue recapping until I say this. He is SO CUTE. Just AWW. I want to take him home and love him. Not in the same way that Captain Hook does. No. I mean it. Hey, put down the phone. No need to involve the authorities."

"The icky ***** man isn't so sure, but from behind them Junior confirms, "It's true." And then he snaps Pinocchio's head off for jacking their ship parts. Well, he would if he were cool."

"Riku shows up at this exact moment in the guise of the Irony Police. "But [Junior], I thought you liked games." I'm sure all you Junior/Riku fans on the message board are writing this down in your little steno notebooks as "evidence" right now. Just remember: every time you mention these two having dirty underage sex, I kill a kitten. Please, think of the kittens."

"I should start compiling photo evidence of the physical pain this game has caused me (like the big red claw marks on my face right now) so I can sue Squeenix in the future. And before I start getting a bunch of "OMG IF U DONT LIEK IT DONT PLAY IT" emails, I'm joking, so you can untwist your panties and close your email programs now."

"I consult the a**-tastic strategy guide for advice on getting through this place and also collecting all the available treasure; it, as usual, is not worth the glossy paper it's printed on. I don't know whether to blame Dan Birlew and Bradygames for sucking at the one thing they do for a living, Square for designing this ******** nightmare in the first place, or myself for being a whining helpless baby and needing a strat guide at all."

"Maleficent explains that Token's heart was taken by the Heartless. Who didn't see that coming? Show of hands? Riku asks Mal if there's anything he can do to save her. Exposition!Mal fires up. "There are seven maidens of the purest heart. We call them the princesses of heart. Gather them together, and a door will open to the heart of all worlds." People, I've seen magical girl anime with better plot than this. Honest-to-God magical girl anime."

"Oh, and just to end the recap on an extra bitter note of misery, I notice a small note at the very end of the Monstro section of the strategy guide. It reads: "Did you know that you can skip this section? Although you're forced to go to Monstro, you can transport back to the gummi ship and head for Halloween Town or Atlantica..." and so on. Boy, that is dead brilliant of the folks at Bradygames. Tell players AT THE END OF THE ******** WALKTHROUGH that they didn't have to even play through the dungeon AT ALL. Hate. So. Much. God. DIE."

God this site makes me giggle till I cry. I loved the anti-Tidus feel of the FFX recap and the anti-brother comments in X-2...

This was the best so far though. xd

I've never been to this site before... but I've been reading it for a few hours, and I just can't stop. I think I'm in love with Amber too just for introducing me to this site. wink

I don't think I'll be getting much studying done today... *reads site without stopping to eat/drink/breathe*

I did and still am considering posting this in VG main...but I'm not sure how mature people would be about it.

Exactly! Besides, parodies of your favorite games are almost better than the ones you hate, because you understand all of the little details. smile