Well, then basically, what you have here is a fanfic. The first post is best as a foreword, since it serves to explain the layout of your story and such.
On to grammar, just because you are writing 'Alice' in a plural sense does not mean that you add an apostrophe behind it. Doing so shows singular possession:
- the Alice's power
- multiple Alices
- the multiple Alices' powers
Missylissy90
She had been looking
forward to coming back to the school because her favorite teacher, Mrs. Golden was there, and she knew it.
Missylissy90
At the same time, many, many, and even more many miles away, in a little town in Alabama, a little girl of age fourteen stepped out into the hallway as the bell rang for the students to go home. The girl’s golden brown hair was tied back into a low ponytail, as she blew up on a couple of strands that had fallen into her deep blue eyes. Today had been her first day back at this school, since she had moved to Hawaii with her family, several years ago. They had moved to Hawaii, suddenly and just as suddenly moved back to Alabama without any reason why.
Also, in Part Two, you were unclear about the first sentence. At first, I thought that the girl had just entered her home or something, considering the past tense you had been using when she stepped into the hallway. I also thought that the ringing bell belonged to the Alice school, not her own. But according to this:
Missylissy90
Suddenly the blare of the horn, shook her awake and she hurried up on the bus, taking her seat, staring out of the window.
I'm now confused. Had school ended, and she was on her way home? Then why was she stepping into a hallway? Shouldn't she wait outside? Give reason why she's waiting in the hallway instead of outside.
You also switched tenses. Be prepared when using the word 'had'- if you use it in a past, you should use it for the rest of the past until you return to a present tense"
- The boy
had thrown the ball, and his dog
had chased after it. After some time, the dog
returned with the ball.
Missylissy90
The girl
sighed as she stood there, waiting for the bus to come and pick her up. The day
had been a weird day. She
had been looking forward to coming back to the school
, because her favorite teacher [no comma needed] Mrs. Golden was there [the following isn't needed and only confuses]. But when she
had arrived at the school, people
had acted like
Mrs. Golden had never existed. Her classroom belonged to another teacher. She
had even asked several of the teachers that had
Mrs. Golden had known and taught with, but the staff denied the woman's existence.
You really confused me here, too. Especially the last sentence, which was really wordy with the whole 'that had been there when she...'
You use too many double prepositions and your diction's too simple. Use a greater variety of words and use prepositions less. Verbs that need prepositions behind them (ie 'got up' or 'picked up') are passive and should be changed to active or should be replaced with more descriptive verbs (ie 'stood' or 'lifted').
I don't think you intended to reveal the girl's name, but your constant use of 'she' easily confuses readers, especially after mention of Mrs. Golden, because it confuses as to who you're talking about.
- ...Emelia and Christine ran to her house.
Whose house is it? We can't tell because both subjects are female and the pronoun is female, too. For all we know, the 'her' could belong to a different girl altogether. That was the case here:
Missylissy90
She[1] had been looking forward to coming back to the school because her favorite teacher, Mrs. Golden was there, and she[1] knew it. But when she[1] got to the school, people acted like she[2] didn’t exist. Her[2] classroom belonged to another teacher.
I'm pretty positive that you intended the 'shes' as so: [1] is the main character, and [2] is the teacher.
To fix my earlier sentence, here:
- ...Emelia and Christine ran to Samantha's house.
If you want to keep a mystique about your chara's name, don't be so hesitant to use synonyms like 'the girl' or 'the young teenager' and such. Also, for the teacher, you can use 'the woman.'
You denied so much about your chara, too. I get her hair color, her age, her hairstyle, her eye color, and such. But I don't get who she
is. Write about how frustrated or disappointed the girl was when her teacher 'disappeared.' Maybe the girl doesn't even care. Maybe she begins to doubt that the teacher ever existed.
As for Part Three, I think you meant that Sophie's mother parties because her father was murdered, but it isn't clear. You're being too blunt and concise. Everything has to flow together; don't throw in information so carelessly. Like this:
- Edmund jumped the fence. Because he was on the track team, it was a simple task for him- endurance training had treated him well.
To revise that sentence, it might be:
- Sophie disliked her mother, a vile and irresponsible woman. Once upon a time, [insert mother's name] had been kind and caring, and maybe then Sophie had loved her. But things were different now, especially Sophie's mother. Yes, the shock of her husband's brutal murder had victimized the poor woman into a new being, but that was no excuse to abandon Sophie to party.
And after that, I see how Sophie is displaying actions of anger, but she's feeling NOTHING!! She sank to the ground. Cool. She threw the list. Okay. She might be crying. Uh huh.
And what is she feeling?! Hell, this girl's an emotional ironboard, apparently. Her favorite teacher is missing and maybe never existed and her mom's abusing her with chores, but your character won't
feel.
Revision:
- Watching her mother drive away, Sophie waited patiently until the car left the driveway. She half-heartedly hoped the woman would crash and die. Once, Sophie's mother had resembled all the aspects of a perfect mother. The incident had not only changed her, it had scarred her, too.
Fleeing to the small kitchen, her face as blank as the yet-to-be-decorated walls, Sophie inspected the list in her hand. A compilation of twenty-so chores the Cinderalla-stepmother actually expected her to do. Eyes downcast and gloomy, but oppressively blank, the girl slid to the floor, wadding the pathetic paper in a misshapen ball and tossing it aside. The empty thump that the paper emitted as it hit the ground only reminded Sophie of the emptiness in her heart.
She didn't know what to feel. Sad? Frustrated? Angry? Defiant?
Her feelings were like vague wisps chased by cloud-formed fingers. As useless and evasive as mist or morning fog- unable to be caught or molded into solid form.
The girl had never experienced 'emotion,' even now in a situation that should have resembled a pinnacle of sorrow and grief.
The isolated child felt nothing from her isolated heart.
That's just me writing up there, kay? You can make Sophie emotional, if you want. But you're still using too many 'shes' even though Sophie's name has been mentioned. Use 'the girl' and 'the child' or 'the teenager' and such.
It's a blank slate, and it has a lot of potential. Keep working and you're bound to make a good story out of this ^^
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