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Okay, this is guna be a big wall of text, just a warning..

You guys know that i deal with self injury addiction and i'm trying but its sometimes too much for me. Several weeks ago i decided to go back to my old youth group. (back when my parents were together we went to that church, i grew up there) anyways, My youth pastor completely welcomed me, and i made a lot of friends and got to meet up with my old ones. After a bit i told Ben(my youth pastor) why i decided to come. I told him everything, about my addictions, depression and everything. It was weird, he just hugged me, talked to me and texted me. I think he might have even had some other kids text me here and there cause i got texts from them a lot. Anyways, no one but Ben knows. Well, a few weeks went on and things with me werent going so well and they were getting worse. I dont remember exactly why this happened, i just remember that i had an awful day and everytime i tried to make it better it got worse. It was strange, i felt like i just had something pulling me down. I got home from school that day and my dad wasnt guna be home till midnight. You may laugh at this, but when i want to think, cry or anything, i go in my room and hide in my closet..anyways, thats where i went. I tried texting a friend just to talk but he never answered me back..so i stayed in the closet. i dont know why but at that moment i wanted to kill myself and i was going to. I actully tried to fight it too. I thought of my friends, my family, even some friends online, but everytime i had a good thought, i had a bad one countering it. I honestly think its crazy to say this but i got up and i was guna shoot myself. I wasnt even guna leave a note. Selfish. But just as i got up, i remembered a video that i had watched on youtube, the previous night. ( This is the video ) Anyways, it made me stop and i walked around the house a miniut. Then my cell phone rang and i got a text from that friend. He texted me the entire night and i finally fell asleep. That entire week i was just down and depressed about everything. Finally church came. My youth pastor talked about emotional healing, needing God and just worship. At the end he had us scatter and pray. I stayed in my seet and just hugged my kneese while i prayed (i pray that way sometimes) anyways, i sat there balling for 45 min. -long alter call- The music was loud so no one heard me, i thought. Two kids were sitting next to me. A girl and her brother. After awhile Ben came by and started asking if he could pray with me. He kept talking and then began walking me through something. He told me to pretend i had everything in my hands that use to cut myself with, then when i was ready, drop it in Gods hands. It took about 15 min. but i finally did. It fealt great, but i still was depressed and i didnt understand why.
A week or two later an evangalist from Ireland named Graham came. wow..alot happened. His service was over "How big is you God." and anyways at the end he prayed for all the youth kids and everyone else. When he came to me he just prayed a regular prayer of blessing, then he stopped and said this:

"Wow, Jesus really loves you. Look at me, look up here. You have nothing to be ashamed of, the past is in the past. Hold your head high, God has forgotten it, its in the past. As far as the East is to the west so far as he has cast our transgressions. Theres a boquet or flowers and your one of them, you havent bloomed yet, but your about to. There will be some things that you have to let go of, some things you'll be too weak to let go of, thats when God is going to pick you up and carry you himself. The past is in the past. He's telling me he loves you. He's saying "tell that girl i love her, let her know that i love her." He loves you, dont forget that.

After that the pastors wife prayed for me and said "He loves you dear. He hasnt forgotten you, even as a little girl he saw you. He knowtices you." Then she took me to a lady who was about in her 30's and had her pray for me.

The moment the lady touched me she began speaking in tounges, then she stopped and started praying against depression, self hatred, self blame. She told me to love myself and forgive others, forgive God and forgive myself. She prayed against any hex that had been put against me. And then she prayed against suicide.
The lady next to her pulled my hair out of my face and she said "you have a lot of self hatred, your beautiful and God loves you, love yourself. Dont hide yourself"
Then something weirder happened. A woman who is in her 20's but is mentally challenged, not down sendrome really, she just has the mind of a 5 year old. She came up to the lady and said "wow, i'm watching chains fall off her!" Then the other lady was saying something about them running away.

It was so weird, i heard everything i needed to. The fact that God saw my problems and still loved me, the fact that He cared. I'm not too small and stupid for God. It was amazing, i couldnt stop smiling. It was 3 in the morning and i couldnt stop smiling.

When i saw this next part, all of you are going to want to beat me and call me stupid. I dont know whats wrong with me. I'm wanting to be happy, i have been happy, but i dont understand i just keep going back to my old thinking. I try to be happy and its so hard, i dont understand. I think i'm crazy or something i dont know. I keep listening to music that tears me down, and after i do i feel awful and ask forgivness but i just do it all over again. im terrified. i want to be happy. Sometimes i just have the feeling to want everything back, the depression and thats awful i feel terrible saying that because i dont want that. I'll listen to a song that reminds me of my mom and it makes me cry and i get depressed or something and then i feel awful and i'm scared God is going to be mad at me. I know i know, God doesnt get angry for us being sad its natural, but i bring it upon myself. Am i crazy or stupid? Whats wrong with me? I want God to help me and He did, so why am i like this?

I want that so much, i do. I just get so sick of myself when i go to my music. When i'm sad or feel like being sad, i listen to music that makes me that way..then i feel TERRIBLE and i feel sorry and ask God to forgive me, but i just do it all over again. I feel so stupid. I'm afraid He'll take things and close friends away from me if i keep this up.

Man, you guys are amazing! This reminds me of myself after I get home from church camp, and I get further from God becuase I cas so close to Him when I was there.satans just jelous! HA HA satan. HAHA!!! xd

The Up Beat, you should consider being a pastor. That was very moving. I actually laughed out loud. It was very moving.

ROCK ON Up beat!!! X3
How true it is that our generation of Christians is often underestimated! I believe God has so much in store for us and that truly great things will happen during our times. But ah, if only those who doubt us will let us speak! They would hear such amazing messages such as yours, Up Beat, and would surely be knocked off their seats listening to them!

God is going to use our generation in ways that are unfathomable, He will show Himself in ways we've only read about in the good Bible itsself.
Rose, your story is proof. God is communicating to you in so many ways, I can almost see him standing with you everywhere you go, just calling your name. Wanting you to be with Him, forgetting the things of the earth completely.

Too often we, in all our sin- past present and future, tend to forget that God will ALWAYS want us, ALWAYS. And, just so He can have us, He will be with us in fighting ANYTHING that stands between us and Himself!
How wonderful it is to be truly loved like this.